Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this, what a nightmare. It made me cry to hear what you’d been through. I actually came on here to get some advice myself and saw your post, I haven’t been through anything as bad as this but I saw my Ex today, who did rape me, gaslight me and I was with him for 8 years but it took five years for me to leave his house and then he told me he’d rather kill me than let me go. I carried on being his partner for a further 3 years as he also had a nice side. During that time he continued to force himself on me, he was insatiable and constantly groped me out of the blue and then I started to tell him he raped me or that he had just sexually assaulted me to which he replied “well you enjoyed it!” Or laughed at me. Many times I asked him to leave my house and he wouldn’t go till eventually he left by ghosting me as he’d already lined up someone new. It hurt so much and I Couldn’t understand why it hurt so bad. Almost a year later I am relieved and not as anxious.
I saw him today to ask him for something of mine but while I was there I couldn’t help but ask why he’s told his new partner lies about me, ( I already worked out a couple of years into our relationship he’d probably told me Lies about his previous three partners)
He was so arrogant and I felt angry for letting him get away with what he’d done in the past, it’s so unfair that these people get away with so much.

@FGTV
There is some really good advice here. You already took a very brave step by calling the police. Lots of love to you.

@FGTV is he really working away from home?

If so that gives you plenty of time to start planning etc. Good luck.

Keep on trucking OP

I also got a lot of the
‘You are a bad mother , do this for your kids ‘ posts
Which are fucking awful To read

THIS IS NOT EASY
If it was easy you would have left when you had your first inkling

But you are making steps , and the toll this will have on your MH is enormous and makes it harder

Keep positing here till you can get through to women’s aid
And do NOT hesitate to call police again
It was actually the police visit that made
Me ex realise it was over !

Keep posting

Hi lovey , what a horrendous time for you , my heart truly goes out to you .. don't give up , you can get free from this life with help and support - it's wrong on every level what he's doing to you , and it's wrong on your children.
Please also Google rape crisis , they give brilliant support , an also Google for a local IDVA for help , you need to plan to leave safely. It's when they are at their worst if they find out , so please keep trying all the support services whenever he's not around - you're not alone. X

He'll be downplaying his behaviour too, an the mind games over the years you've been with him will have left you doubting even your own perception of reality. To the point that you'll even start reasoning with yourself that " it's not that bad " " it could be my fault " " the nice side to him is good "

If you have a daughter would you want a man like him as a partner for her .. if no , then it's not good enough for you either. Coercive sexual control and abuse is a crime, an eventually you will tell someone who will step in and help you. Because what you have now isn't living. Please don't let him twist it to be otherwise. X

@FGTV hey op, did you manage to get some advice? Hope you are ok?

@FGTV how are things today?

I got through to women's aid live chat, they confirmed what's already been said here, that this is abusive and gave me some info for local support services.
I have told friends what happened and met up with a close friend who lives nearby who already knows some of what had happened in the past (although not the extent) . She's concerned that his behaviour is escalating and said I'm always welcome to go to hers in an emergency if I need to.

He's being over nice, almost needy, constantly asking if I still like him, etc.
Also i am reading the book that was recommended, there are some parts that really resonate.

Next week the kids are back at school so it will give me time to think and sort some things out.
Thanks for all your support

I have told friends what happened and met up with a close friend who lives nearby who already knows some of what had happened in the past (although not the extent) . She's concerned that his behaviour is escalating and said I'm always welcome to go to hers in an emergency if I need to.

That's brilliant op. I'm so glad you've broken the silence about his behaviour and have done real life help and support.

*some

Great steps

Next step
Pack everything you need and get out ASAP

Well done that took a lot of courage. You are a strong lady that will get through this & on to a better life. Take care.

I know who you are as well...you’ve had a lot of support for a long time chicken. You need to leave now. It NEVER gets better. It only gets worse, as you are seeing.

Well done for telling friends.
This is great.
You are not stuck.
You can leave.
Assemble key paper work of family finances, certs, slips, passports.

Perhaps see if you can leave stuff at your friends.

You have got this.👍

Great to hear you have RL support. And also that you are keeping your counsel and planning your departure carefully. One step at a time and you’ll get there.

Oh op I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You know deep down his calm won’t last.

For your children’s sake, get out as soon as you canz

Thankyou for keeping in touch with us, I'm so pleased to hear you have some help in real life. Please keep coming back with updates.

Glad you are beginning to find allies and are starting to plan. I'm also glad you got to speak to someone who confirms this is abuse.

Sending hugs 🤗

@Luckybe40

I know who you are as well...you’ve had a lot of support for a long time chicken. You need to leave now. It NEVER gets better. It only gets worse, as you are seeing.

What do you mean you know who I am?! From previous posts or real life?! I haven’t posted on here in a long time

I'm so pleased you are getting support op. Did the police ever follow up?

Him being nice is part of the cycle. I'll bet he's still pestering for sex though.

Stay safe op.

I really hope you find the courage to leave. This is absolutely no way to live your life, it's such a waste of your life and it's not fair on you or your children who will pick up on the way he behaves and think it's acceptable, and could end up treating women the same way.

I read one of your old posts from nearly 4 years ago

Getting angry if your clothes are not washed or I haven't bought the right food or the house is not clean on my 'days off' which are also spent looking after a two year old

Yes,I know that I'm lucky to have you and there are loads of women lining up to take my place. Yes, I also know that I owe my lovely existence to you and if you leave me I will have nothing. I know this because you tell me frequently, particularly when I haven't had sex with you as often as you expect.

This is disgusting. I hope you can see how wrong this is. He's been manipulating you into having sex with him for years, that's awful. Sounds like he's been chipping away at your self confidence too.

I know it's hard to leave your family home but you need to weigh up what is more important. Sending you lots of strength OP and a big un-mumsnetty hug.

Wow this is horrific, he basically wants to rape "his" wife because he thinks it's his right to have sex with you.
Don't go to counselling with an abuser, get a divorce. Nobody deserves this nobody.
Well done for reporting him to the police, tell him you will call the police everytime he tries to rape you.

I’m so sorry he’s treated you this way, he’s an abuser and sounds quite unbalanced. I know it’s so easy for everyone to say leave but I do hope you find the strength to leave for your sake and your children’s. Good luck!

Sending love to you OP.

You’ve picked up on one of the things that’s rarely discussed - real life abuse, even the severe abuse, never looks like we expect. We are fed narratives of abuse by TV and films which don’t match reality. You say it reads as worse than it is because in your head you have all the context that comes with a long relationship, you know him as a complex person who at times will have been nice to you.

But the truth is that doesn’t matter. The cold hard facts show this is abuse, and there are no mitigating factors.

You’ve made some amazing steps towards being free. Keep going. This does not have to be your life.