Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

He was shouting at you to come back as you were going down the stairs - there is no way your kids aren't waking up and hearing this.

You are in danger. Your kids are in danger.

I think you are in a bit of controlled shock or something. I think you have had to navigate around this for a long time and as you are coping, you have become numb? to it. I think that might be a protective thing going on, but the point is you shouldn't have to exist like this because of another person. This isn't life as it is meant to be lived.

Are you reading this and wondering if things really are so bad? Now that he has calmed down? The whole situation is wrong, OP. Good times don't equalise out bad times when they are this severe.

This is not healthy. He didn't just loose his temper he constantly badgered you getting more and more threatening when you didn't do as you where told. He's being mr nice guy now because the police came. What if they hadn't ?

Read your story back and if it was a friend what advice would you give them? It’s going to be hard but your going to be living your life watching over your shoulder. You said your kids didn’t hear, maybe that’s so but what about next time? If you have daughters they will think it’s ok to accept such behaviour.

Leave, before he kills you. Your kids will grow up thinking it's normal. Teach them how to live well.

You can do this!!

He is going to kill you.

Wake up. Get real and get out.
Your children need their mother. They can not grow up with their mother murdered and their father in jail. It will destroy them.

There is no going back from this.
I am praying the police have notified social services.

Are you there, OP?
Are you Ok?
Please talk to us.

Please leave

Leave. This was my father. One night he started strangling her and then when my brother tried to call the police, he attacked him too. He had been ramping up and the police had chatted with him a few times.

This won't get better. I almost lost a mother as she fell for the repentant anger management promises.

OP please listen to everyone on here. A lot of posters will have experienced similar things to this.

He is abusing you. He is raping you - he is forcing you to have sex when you don't want to and then threatening you - that is rape!

He will not change. There will be cycles of him being 'lovely'. He will tell you that he didn't say what you say he has. He is trying to change your perception of what's happening, trying to make you doubt yourself and trying to make you think you're going insane - this is gaslighting. It is a behaviour used by abusers to control and overpower their victim.

He threatened to hurt you by saying there would be consequences, and told you to text anyone you love while you've still got the chance. I think this was indirectly threatening to really hurt you, or maybe attempt to kill you.

Please get help. Speak to womens aid or refuge. They can and will help you. They can get you and your children to a safe place, if you can't go to family or friends. Remember that even though we are in lockdown, we can still move house, or get to a safe place if domestic abuse is happening.

Do not ignore everyone who is saying that he will get worse - because he really will! He may be calm for longer than usual, or he may get worse very quickly. But he now knows if you get too scared that you will call the police. It is likely that he will attempt to stop you from being able to get help when something happens. Or he will react quicker and hurt you sooner. He will eventually (probably quite soon) end up really hurting you, or your children.

Please get help in the morning if you can't now. You really need to get yourself and your children away from him!!

I'm glad you posted, reading it made my blood run cold. You might not leave right away but please do keep posting for support and so you have a record of what has happened and you can read it back. He has escalated and I fear it will get worse. He will not change, it will all happen again.

,and wants us to go to marriage counselling

Ffs
No! Why do you need counselling?

An abuser.and then a Mr nice guy, is the pattern he will always follow. It is a despicable way to treat you. He does not deserve to be in your family unit.

Mr Nice Guy is manipulating you: can you not see that. He is silently seething at your utter disobedience. The next time, and there will be a next time, this pent up anger will unleash itself. You definitely will not be safe. LTB. Now is the time to get your ducks in a row. He should leave the house, not you and the children. Could you speak to your employer as to child care options that other staff may have? Also, your children will hear these arguments and if you have a son he could normalise rape.

This is a terrifying read.

It is not normal behaviour.

Please tell someone in real life. A friend or relative. Perhaps your GP.

It’s not normal to want to be intimate with someone who doesn’t want to be intimate with you. He is threatening you and this is going to happen regularly as I can’t imagine you now want to kiss him let alone anything else.

As others have said your kids will know a lot if not all of what is happening, they probably don’t know what to do about it or are too embarrassed to speak to you about it or too scared to ask their dad about it.

If he is this much of a selfish rapist, I wonder what he is like in other ways? Not with your neighbours or colleagues and the people who don’t see him all day everyday, but to you and the kids?

For what it’s worth if either DH or I were too tired or not in the mood for sex and the other tried it on, it would be totally fine, we would wait until we were both in the mood with no pressure, no moans and no guilt.

"He then started getting all weird and asking me whether it was more important to protect his family or stand by his word even if it meant the people he loved got hurt. "

This reads like a threat to your children, it wouldn't be the 1st (by a long way) time this year a man has murdered his kids to punish the wife. Sounds dramatic but your husband appears unhinged, you have no idea what he might be capable of.

Please call a DV helpline and get some help to get you and your children out.

OP please let us know you are all right.

The most important thing in your circumstances is to make sure you and your children are safe. Literally nothing else is as important as that, and you are NOT safe where you are with him. Please listen to the many experienced voices in this thread.

He is a vile, dangerous, calculating rapist. He is not your friend.

Get yourself some help today please. x

OP... when you come back to this thread please don't feel like you've made a mountain out of a molehill. You have every right to be scared, you did such a good thing calling the police.

Is your husband going out today at all? Is there any chance for you to go out with the kids? You need to make an excuse and find a safe place to go. Honestly wherever you are I'm sure somebody would help you - even people on this thread would probably help you!! You're not alone. You're not crazy or stupid. You won't be hurting him but he IS hurting you.

Please leave today don't think about how angry he'll be, don't think about how hurt he will behave or how he'll tell you that you're kidnapping his kids or he'll take his own life or whatever he says to try to make you stay. Even if he believes that's how he feels he will still turn on you again. You have seen what's to come with him. but don't stay living under the same roof with this man, please

Let us know you are ok, OP. Your posts are very worrying.

I hope you can ring WA for advice at some point today. You need some clarity from a person who is not involved.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. He has wrecked your confidence. He is using coercion to get what he wants. You describe a pattern, or a circle of behaviour common with abusive men. He has made this normal and it's not normal at all.

You deserve to live your life with love and respect. Not having this man threaten you for sex. I cannot imagine the pressure you are feeling.

If you have anyone IRL to talk to please do. You need their support.

Just keep us updated.

I just wanted to add

Abusers all follow a pattern of abuse

No abuse is 24/7, there are 'nice' moments to keep you there and question yourself.

He won't change, because he believes he has 'a right' to behave this way, anyone else who says otherwise 'doesn't get it' he will speak differently around these people.
He believes this all so strongly that it would be like trying to convince the pope (or equivalent) that there's no God.

There's been a lot of research/studies about this Pat Craven has published some books and there is a group she's worked with relevant offenders and used her findings to help victims. It's very enlightening.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Also, please LTB. He's only being nice long enough to keep you, it's a tactic, you are worth more than this, you have the right to your own dignity and to be treated with respect.

Christ op. You're deluded of you think your kids have no idea what was going on. He was shouting at you, you were running out the house. Of course they are aware.

He threatened to kill you for fucks sake. He still tried to have sex with you after frightening and hurting you and the police being called. He's wrong in the fucking head and is going to end up murdering you.

Please leave. Do you have any friends or family?

Please do seek advice from your local domestic abuse service (details will be on your local council website) or the helpline on 0808 2000 247. If you do look anything up on line make sure you delete your browsing history.

These services won't tell you that you have to do anything, they will go through options and support your choices. They can advise where you could go if you choose to leave.

Please don't do marriage counselling, it could be dangerous to you. You've seen how he behaved with the police, he is likely to try to manipulate any counsellor you go to. He also doesn't need anger management, he is not angry or he would behave like this with everyone. He needs a perpetrator programme.

The police officer filled out a questionnaire and said that someone from the domestic abuse team would phone me.
So I will tell them about what's been going on when they call.

You don’t know where to go from here? The answer is out the door!

You feel humiliated....why? You haven’t done anything wrong!

You say you have no one to turn to or nowhere to go- I bet you £1000 the first person you told what happens to you would offer you a place to stay for a while, no one would know someone is going through something as horrid as you are and not try to help.

My biggest fear is something like this happening to my children as adults and them feeling they can’t talk to me....do you have parents? Go and stay with them, they are on your side!

Please don’t stay, your not living anything close to a normal or happy life