Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

I haven't got anywhere to go, I can't tell anyone in real life what's happened!!!
Our house has a joint mortgage but he pays most of the bills as he earns significantly more than me.
I have a job but I wouldn't be able to do it if I left as it's shifts and can't get childcare for early mornings or nights.

I don't feel scared or threatened at the moment, he's being really attentive and is sorry

Phone womens aid for help. He is dangerous.

Even him being nice is part of the abuse - it’s a cycle, and the nice bits lure you in, confuse you and make you let down your guard so that he can abuse you again.

He sounds like an absolute monster. The coercion is appalling and the death threat - make no mistake, that’s what it was - is terrifying. I’m surprised the police left you there with him still in the house after that. Did you tell them everything? It might be worth calling and trying to speak to someone else who knows the law on coercion better than whoever came out to you.

Please cover your tracks, if he gets a whiff that you’re planning to leave him he could get even worse. It’s a dangerous time and even those who hadn’t been physically violent* before can flip once they lose control.

*not to diminish the severity of forcing you into sex you don’t want and depriving you of sleep and work etc

RUN!

The fact that his behaviour is escalating means the risk to you is escalating as well. You’ve stood up to him now, so you need to consider the very real possibility that there will be retaliation for this. The most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when they try and leave. Why not speak to Women’s Aid and see what they suggest. Be careful about leaving evidence of plans to leave on your phone/other devices and try to get copies of important documents and financial info.

I can't tell anyone in real life what's happened!!!

Why not? This is not your shame to carry - it’s his.

So he’s left alone with the kids both mornings and evenings

I don’t think I could do that knowing this has all happened

I’m sorry this is happening to you OP.

Your husband is abusing and raping you. It’s very serious. It will escalate.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ Details of how to contact Women’s Aid

National Domestic Abuse Helpline - 0808 2000 247

He did actually ask me if I would have sex with him after the police left and we went to bed. I said no and he was ok with that, but said he wouldn't be able to sleep.
Thanks for your replies and advice. He's going to be home shortly so I probably won't be able to reply this evening but will check messages again tomorrow.

We’ve seen many many cases where men have harmed dc as an act of revenge

Too many

He’s at the point now where he’s threatening your life..... that didn’t work, you called the police

What’s his next move going to be?

Did the children wake up when the police arrived? Do they know their father rapes their mother on a regular basis?

My god that's a horrible way to live, please op seek help.
He's not a well man, this is not normal behaviour, you poor thing

So you aren’t allowed to be online in the evenings either?

He still asked you for sex after the police left!?! What a repugnant piece of shit.

He is so very abusive. I’m shocked. You really need to leave. Contact Women’s Aid. They can help and please do tell someone in real life. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of.

He asked you to have sex with him when the police left as a way to asset his power. This is really disturbing.

There is no way that your children are not hearing what's going on.

Not only do you need to leave because he's abusing and possibly raping you. You have to leave for the sake of your children who are witnessing his anger and sexual demands of you. How can you even think of staying with this man? Someone who has so little shame that he asks for sex when the police you called on him left - and guilted you when you said no.

Who cares that he earns more

Who fcking cares about the mortgage

Social services will go to town on you if you stay

I mean this in a caring kind way
I stayed
Let him abuse me

And the innocent children suffered
Ughhh I hate this fcking man

Terrible !!!

My husband gets moody and calls me names etc after 1 week. Even acused mr of cheating on him with his dad!!! As if I've said numerous times if I was gonna have an affair it would be with a young lad lol I'm 30 husband 35 how old r u and husband. He isn't normal and u need a good chat about consent

You did the right thing calling the police but it's time to have two strategies in place:

1. a long term plan about where you and the children can be safe without him. Where can you get help, contact women's aid, what documents do I need

2. a short term plan for another risky situation - are their family to take you all in at short notice?

From my experience you don't know when he will flip again.

Money aside - if you had the cash - do you really want to stay in this relationship?

Abusers are not abusive 100% of the time. They act nice, and caring and ashamed so that you don’t leave and the cycle begins again.

You are being abused horrifically and raped regularly. The fact that he still asked you for sex after the police left shows you that he has no remorse, he doesn’t care.

You need support and fast, this will escalate.

Be careful op. Keep a charged mobile on you.
You did the right thing be ready to run again.
Make a plan

I’m quite shocked that the Police left him in the same house as you, did you tell them he’d told you to say goodbye to people?

I cannot believe he then asked for sex again after they left.

It sounds as though you possibly don’t realise just how horrific his treatment of you is. Please seek help from women’s aid. Also, there’s no reason you cannot tell a friend or family member what’s going on, you don’t need to protect him.

what a repulsive controlling manipulating bastard.... OP you are not a sex slave.. you can say NO... and he needs to accept that

OP your post chilled me to the bone. Absolute DISGUSTING abuse and behaviour. Please leave the piece of shit

@Healthyandhappy

My husband gets moody and calls me names etc after 1 week. Even acused mr of cheating on him with his dad!!! As if I've said numerous times if I was gonna have an affair it would be with a young lad lol I'm 30 husband 35 how old r u and husband. He isn't normal and u need a good chat about consent

And you need a new husband too. That isn’t normal or OK. Sulking and calling your wife names because she won’t put out is not the way a decent man behaves. It’s only one grade up from the coercion and control the OP is suffering. Please don’t feel like this is just ‘men’. You deserve better.