Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

Sexual abusers of this calibre should also be on the register in my opinion

will this even get any better?

Most likely not.

Mor be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again

Much more likely.

His behaviour is not reasonable, in fact it's abusive. Most abusive men don't see themselves as at fault or wrong and don't change.

You did the right thing when he threatened you. I'm.sure the police have seen the calm, polite, oh so reasonable guy when they're called out to a house because the woman there is scared/threatened etc. They know it's a front.

It sounds like - between the sexual coercion and the threats (and general abusiveness including hij g in about your previous partners .. did he get into the relationship with you a virgin choirboy?) you'd be best to gtfo of there asap. Please be careful doing so, have some support when you do.

Btw - he calls you a slag, yet apparently you're not up for sex with him enough ..
But of a contradiction there; typical of this type of guy, he's so stupid and nuts, he can't even get his logic straight.

There's a word for men who coerce women into sex

Of course he's being nice now, until next time

It's all part of the abusive pattern

He wants to rape you.
Cooercive sex - ie agree to have sex with me or I won't let you go to sleep - is rape.

In order to consent and agree to sex, you have to be able and safe to say no. Saying you consent to sex in order to stop something happening, is not consenting. Its still rape.

Now imagine it was your son doing that or your daughter's partner. Would you be happy with your son? Would you want her to run? To do everything in her power to get away from someone who thinks its OK to rape them, even if it means things getting hard or sofa cramming into a spare room at a relatives?

Your children are listening and normalising this. Your son will think this is OK, you daughter will think that this is how men treat women. Please leave for them as well as you.

I can't tell anyone in real life what's happened!!!

It would probably be a great help to you to someone and get support, even if it's women's aid.

They now have an online chat thing as well.as phoning them and making an appointment.

There's a word for men who coerce women into sex

Of course he's being nice now, until next time

It's all part of the abusive pattern

next time he will also make sure you cannot phone for help ... he has learned this now.. you are still in danger OP.

YOUR HUSBAND IS A RAPIST.

The police should have arrested him. You need to get out. He threatened you for not having sex with him. You called the police. The police came, then left. He then started up again about wanting you to have sex with him.

God almighty.

I have a job but I wouldn't be able to do it if I left as it's shifts and can't get childcare for early mornings or nights.

Is there any possibility of a child minder who'd cover these. As long as they're a registered childminder, you get 85% paid as a single mum.

They may even be willing/able to mind your kids in your/their home, and do drop offs to a childcare place if that suits.

OMG this is horrific and just not normal. My view is that you need to leave this man as soon as possible and do it without him being aware that your leaving. Pack a bag and flee when hes not there. I feel you are in real danger.

Wow he really is a monster. I can’t believe they didn’t arrest him.
And this whole not telling anyone out of shame is a dreadful idea. You have no support and he gets to carry on until he kills you.

WTAF? This is absolutely horrific. Please contact Women’s Aid, you need to leave this man, he is just so vile, so dangerous! This is no way for you to live. You can have a happy and contented life away from him, with your children.

I’m open-mouthed. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Have you got friends in real life you can confide in, who can help you?

Please keep posting.

He still asked you for sex after the police left!?! What a repugnant piece of shit.

^^This.

He threatened to kill you. You called the police on this piece of shit. He then asks you for sex. He really is an abusive piece of shit. He obviously doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I don't understand why the police didn't arrest him.

You really need to be careful. Anyone who threatens to kill you because you wont give them sex is a person who is not in control and is capable of anything.

Btw you haven't overeacted at all.

He's been coercing you into sex - using sleep deprivation/preventing you from sleeping (which is used as a effing torture method) to make you give in, and hiding your car keys (!!!) thereby obstructing you from going to your work on time or at all; to earn your salary and be seen as reliable and stable by your employer etc. That obviously causes you quite a degree of stress too, as it would anyone needing to get to work and being late. Maybe you worry about letting people down there as well as how it looks. You could easily have an accident.rushing to work because he's made you do late.

Both things are crazy.

Look, he's just not right in the head.

His fixation/obsession with having sex - you giving him sex, you wanting to have sex with him .. however you want to put it; is not normal.

His methods for getting sex - from badgering & nagging to emotional blackmail to stopping you from sleeping to obstructing you from getting to your work are utterlynwring, they're abusive.

He's sexually coercive, and since he knows he has badgered, guilted, pressured, nagged, tortured, blackmailed etc you into having sex, he is - in essence ; ax other people have said, a rapist.

He had psychological problems; he strikes me as the type of guy who sees a woman as a possession, hence his issues with your previous partners, and emotionally beating you up about them and his attitude to you owing him sex.

He threatened to kill you because you wouldn't have sex with him.

He threatened to kill you.

Please call and speak to Women's Aid - even if you feel it isn't "abuse", they can advise and help you.

Please also tell someone you trust in real life about what happened. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you need support. You have every right to speak up.

Wtf. What an absolute loon.
I'd been gone ASAP

Really why even bother posting

OP I also called the police and it felt so empowering

Like you it was the same old row and same old shit

So well bloody done ✅

Change doesn’t happen in 24 hours but they will hopefully refer you into SS who in turn can advise you

Please keep taking steps forward

This is horrific abusive behaviour , he won’t change . That I can almost guarantee

Don’t think twice to call again xx

I have name changed for this.

My ex was exactly like this. Exactly.
He would threaten and coerce me until I gave in and had sex with him. He would make me sign contracts to say I would have sex X times a week or give head X times.
Then I got brave and would continue to refuse (on my period or genuine headache etc) so he started using a knife to persuade me. Just in his hand until I agreed.
Then it progressed to the knife being held to my throat, first for me to agree and then during sex.
I no longer wanted to have sex with him at all, ever, but I felt I couldn’t leave the relationship. He made me feel no one would ever want me and that I was a terrible mother.
OP, this will get worse.
One night our toddler had woken up at the wrong time and ex ending up punching me in front of our child.
This was the last straw for me, I went to the police and long story short, my ex spent 8 years in prison for rape and is now not allowed to contact us.

Please find a way to leave, you will be ok.

You will be ok

There is a very very VERY tiny chance that he actually feels sorry.

If that's the case, he will spend a lot of time rationalising how he behaved in order to make himself feel better and to process the guilt.

That means that next time he attacks you (and he will. Even if it's because he's 'not himself'), he will blame you for taking it so seriously and tell you you're overreacting by calling the police on him. Because you won't have anybody there in that heated moment to validate your fears, you will almost certainly believe that you are overreacting and choose not to progress to the police.

Then he will focus on how it clearly makes you irrational that you would even think that way, and make sure he does the thinking for you. He will attack you. Worse than before, and as this cycle continues he may well kill you.

I'm really sincerely not trying to be dramatic or scare you but I need you to see that this is a pattern of abuse. It's sad and scary and you don't owe him your life or the lives of your children.

Please contact women's aid, tell a family member, do anything you possibly can to come to terms with the situation you're in, and then please, please leave. You don't deserve this, nobody does

I think sex for him about him confirming/reinforcing his ownership of the woman he's with. I think that's why he's so obsessive about it (and so unaccepting if his partner's past partners, that detracts from his ownership).

There's no fixing guys like this. I wouldn't put money in the world's most shit hot psychiatrist fixing him. You can't really do anything but get away from him, I'm sorry.

There is a very very VERY tiny chance that he actually feels sorry.

If he went back to pressuring op for sex after the police left, sounds like he wasn't, and isn't.

He thinks he's right, the police call out was just an inconvenience to wriggle out of.

OP, he's being nice because you shocked him by calling the police, probably didn't expect you to ever do that as you usually ultimately comply to his demands. His niceness won't last. An abuser like him will not change.

Do you have a friend, parent or sibling you can talk to? Do not feel ashamed to talk to someone, he is the one that carries the shame, not you.

He threatened to kill you.

I may have missed something but I thought he told op there would be "consequences" thereby threatening her and implying he's hurt her or something ..

That doesn't change the only solution to this being for op to get away from him, but I think its important not to undermine our advice to op here with hyperbole.

You have been coerced into having sex with him before?Now this-please please leave- he is only being nice because you called the police-
Leave him and be safe.It’s horrific and if he really wanted to change -well he could start by leaving first- getting help and then seeing if you would consider joint counselling- but I honestly don’t think that will happen- do you?
Stay safe

He asked for sex you said no he was ok but said he wont be able to sleep? That's coercive

On the freedom programme we were told about men like these the woman who ran ours called him mr big balls after a man who claimed his testicles would quite literally explode if he didnt have sex he was quite serious most of us laughed we are all adults we know better than that surely? I was talking to one of the women afterwards up till that point she genuinely believed she was obligated to provide sex on demand anything anytime anywhere literally because it would make him sick if she didnt masterbation was for men "without birds" or ones who couldnt afford a whore it was one of the saddest things I had heard