Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

This is very similar to what I went through. My husband ran a sustained campaign of coercive control including sex by coercion and used sex, mainly anal, as a way of punishing any perceived misdemeanor. Gaslighting, manipulating, the lot. Said he didn't hit me so it wasn't abuse.
One day a few months ago, I did a moonlight while he was in the shower and reported everything to the police. They said they had enough to arrest him for rape, which they did. He is now not allowed to contact me. He still doesn't think that he has done anything wrong.
I now have a job (never allowed before), friends (ditto) and my own car (ditto). The liberation is tangible. Please talk to the police, they will be sympathetic and they have specially trained sexual offences liaison officers.
Good luck.

Meanwhile they themselves ended every significant relationship they've ever had within a second of the first red flag no doubt.

Oh also, I found the NCDV really helpful. They put me in contact with a solicitor who organised legal aid and helped me through the non-molestation order process.
It is doable.
My husband relied on the fact that I was too ashamed to talk to anyone. Please seek out a confidante, it will give you the confidence.

Just had another thought. Make a note of all incidences and, if possible, record conversations where he makes his threats. You never know when it will come in handy (evidence).

Hi op, I got chills reading your posts. I'm scared and worried for you. Is there anyone in real life you can chat to? Someone supportive?

I've been coerced into having sex, gaslighted and mad feel like I was the one in the wrong, I did get support through a local DV group set up by victims of domestic violence. He's an abusive rapist. I think it might take a while for that to sink in for you. Just be careful now as he will be on edge that you've called the police.

I thought my ex would never ever put our child in danger. Then he did and I got us both out of the situation. This really affected my son at a young age and we have had a lot of input from services to support him.
Don't be me and leave it too late.

I think it would be more helpful to the OP if everybody stopped arguing amongst themselves

@Identitychange2020 I just remember how upsetting it was to me when people were writing me off or whatever and am imagining how it might feel for the OP.

Jeez I can't believe that previous post!

StressedMum12 wtf? Seriously?

He did actually ask me if I would have sex with him after the police left and we went to bed. I said no and he was ok with that, but said he wouldn't be able to sleep

Your husband is a complete basketcase ... I'm shocked you don't see that.

Did you name change for this post by any chance?

@StressedMum12 I reported your post simply because I think this is extremely inappropriate advice in a situation where the OP is being coerced into sex and her life being threatened when she tried to refuse.

@StressedMum12

Have you tried to spice up your bedroom etc... or have you thought about distracting yourself and him from imminent violence by buying him some balloons or some cake? Or are you just hiding under a bridge??

Ignore it OP, you did the right thing. You are right to be scared of him, and you should plan to leave. It wasn’t that you didn’t cuddle him enough or didn’t understand his needs. It’s his needs to control and threaten you which means you need to get away.

He did actually ask me if I would have sex with him after the police left and we went to bed. I said no and he was ok with that, but said he wouldn't be able to sleep

It's almost as though he enjoys the sex more after he's mentally tortured you/toyed with you. It's very disturbing. The anxiety alone of dealing with a police call out, would probably put sex at the furthest point in peoples' minds. He's clearly a sex addict, I don't deny this but there's something really disturbing about the fact that he'll ask you for sex (like a naughty schoolboy) even after he knows he's done something morally wrong. Very strange behaviour.

I am taking on board all your comments.
But in real life it doesn't feel like anywhere near as bad it looks written down. (I'm not denying it's bad just saying how it feels right now)
He's acting normal, he appears to be a normal person, he has a good job and friends, etc. I don't even know if anyone would believe me.
He says what I told the police is my version of what happened but it wasn't as bad as I thought.

And yes I did name change...
I didn't want to be identified by anyone in real life who might know me. I know it's been said it's not my fault but I still feel humiliated by the whole thing

OP I posted for many years under many user names About my Ex
It took me a long time to get the strength to leave
Just do me one favour , if you don’t feel ready now keep a diary , I put mine in excel and did a timeline
Having a log and a diary helps
Every time something happens , log it
Don’t deny it , write down in back and white what happened

Look after yourself

You can congratulate him for playing a good game. I dare say by the time you get to speak to the Domestic Advice Service then you will have been thoroughly worked over so that you believe that your reaction was of a hysterical woman who overreacted.

Do not fall for it. Do not discuss it. You would not have been in a position to resist this man’s manipulation of you sexually and now he is working overtime to get this police thing dismissed.

He will start to charm your neighbours. You are having a few problems and attacked him in the house. He didn’t press charges and wants to support you at home.

Seriously, he’s a very nasty piece of work. The above story is quite common. Steel yourself but you need to leave. Your health and life depends on it.

It doesn’t matter about his version of events, he is saying this to try and destabilise and manipulate you.

Please call WA and the police.

Oh my love
Just get away

I haven't read the full thread, I will but I need to say this to you NOW.

This man is DANGEROUS. You need to leave, safely, as soon as you can.

Things to do in the meantime.

Keep your phone on you always. Keep it charged.

Keep your car key safe and where you know you can get to it.

Don't hesitate to call the police if you need to.

OP the very fact that you can't see how truly horrific the abuse you're experiencing is, is frightening. He's obviously been abusing you for so long this has become normalised. He's raping you, you do understand that? Every time he harasses you and abuses you until you give in, that's rape.

My ex husband was like this, expecting sex whether I wanted too or not, playing mind games with veiled threats of what would happen to me if I refused. One night he walked in the bedroom & raped me, our 6 year old ds was asleep in the next room, it took me 12 days to pluck up courage to leave him & a month before I told anyone what he had done. I didn't report it straight away & because of this there was no physical evidence even though I did the video interview at the rape centre & he wasn't charged. Please for your sake & your children, leave him or get him out as soon as possible. Try & get copies of his payslips & bank statements, birth certificates & passports for you & your children, have a set of car keys somewhere only you know, if you can stash some cash that is useful, open a bank account in your sole name. Most of all, talk to someone, be it a friend, women's aid, rape crisis, yes what he is doing is rape, but up to now he hasn't injured you, he may do one day.

This woman is never going to leave.

Sadly agree.