Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

OP, these men always have two personas. The one that gets presented to the outside world and the one you see at home. How many time’s do you see on the news when someone has murdered their wife/family the neighbours being interviewed looking shocked because ‘they seemed so normal’. Every single time. It’s a mask, a cover.

I’m a nurse and a few years ago we had a family who were being kept imprisoned in their home by the father. The mum thankfully escaped with their children. The community had no idea. He had a good job, was well respected. But at home he was abusing his family and locked them in a room.

It’s a way of keeping you trapped. ‘No one will believe you’. We believe you. Other people/agencies will believe you. But the only person to start to change what’s happening is you.

But in real life it doesn't feel like anywhere near as bad it looks written down.

Oh of course, being told to say goodbye to those you love, an alarm being set, giving you an hour to "change " constantly raped coerced into sex, sounds like the perfect marriage!

He says what I told the police is my version of what happened but it wasn't as bad as I thought.

It was as bad as you thought. It's worse. He's gaslighting you.

I'm sorry you are in an abusive relationship op. I hope you can get the strength to leave safely soon.

As you say, he's an intelligent man. He knows how far he can go while still preserving appearances.
I would imagine that after such a long time of this treatment, it might be pretty normal to have suppressed your feelings so far that as long as there are no broken bones and the children are not obviously distressed, you can convince yourself it is not that bad.
Glad to hear that you are still making enquiries. Just ask around a bit, describe what's going on to people who know about abuse, and see what they suggest you can do. Ask again here if you need a bit more encouragement.
There's a life out there for you in which you don't have to endure marital rape.

It's much worse than you think, much worse.
You are beginning to read lose he is not a nice man but what you still can't admit is the damage he is doing to your children.
People learn how to 'relationship' from their parents, your children are learning from this rapist. It is a damaging environment.

He is manipulating you.

I understand the feeling of embarrassed but it isn't you who should feel ashamed.

I guarantee that if you open up to people they will start to tell you about their doubts about him and your relationship.
People will have felt things or seen something but will be taking their cues from you. Not everyone will think he is lovely.

So should be an equal partnership, both parties should want it, it isn't anyone's right, it shouldn't be because you want to sleep or stop being nagged or to feel safe!

Hide the spare car key and door key in the garden or by the car, have a spare phone in the car. Post your passport and you kids passport/ birth certificates to a trusted family member - write them a letter and ask them to to mention it on the phone.

He's acting normal, he appears to be a normal person, he has a good job and friends, etc.

They nearly all do - Lundy Bancroft highlights that in that book.

The police and WA and other agencies are more than used to this - they know that many many of the abusers they deal with also appear normal, respectable etc. And while the general public tends to be more naive; plenty of us know this too.

Also very sadly sexual coercion and violence (of threats of violence) a d controlling behaviour is all too common among (mostly) the male of the species.

I don't even know if anyone would believe me.

They would.
Hundreds of us have read this thread s d believe you. Everything you've said in this thread is believable, in fact a lot of of it is text book/classic because while every women thinks she's in an exceptional situation that's somehow her fault; it's not and she's not.

He says what I told the police is my version of what happened but it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Really?

I can't imagine why he want to believe that, or make you believe that .

Incidentally I can think of two or three examples of men, just off the top of my head, who appear perfectly respectable, decent jobs, affable, articulate, active members of sports clubs etc. who have been seriously violent and abusive in their homes. Many of us have had experience of this. It's no shock, it's not unbelievable to anyone who's not naive and foolish.

You may not realise how bad things are or feel ready to leave yet but consider preparing for leaving in the future. You'll see people on other threads "getting their ducks in a row".

That means doing things like making copies of precious photographs that he might destroy out of spite, getting copies of everyone's important documents (birth certificates, marriage certificate etc.), other documents such as mortgage and both of your pay slips and having some money set aside incase he takes all money out of a joint account to punish you. I'm sure another poster will be able to link to a more comprehensive list.

There is no harm in doing these things now but do them in private, being off for half term is a great time to do it if he isn't around too.

I hope you get the support and strength you need to leave this man. He is dangerous and I hope you are beginning to understand that.

I actually would complete disagree with you OP,

I think people are no longer surprised when they hear that a very nice, friendly, respectable man, is abusive at home.

The world has changed.

People are no longer surprised when someone turns out to be vastly different to his outdoor persona.

People will believe you.

Telling those that love you what you are going through will be a huge release and support for you.

The other very important point is;

What dies it even matter if people don't believe he is controlling, sexually coercive, and makes violent threats etc.?? It doesn't affect whether you can leave him!! You don't need anyone's permission to leave him, including his (he'll never admit to what he's like .. he's not right in the head, that's clear from every bit of his behaviour you've mentioned here).

You can leave him and become a single mum anytime you like for any reason you like. That's the beauty of our society and legal system. You don't even have to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour if you don't want to, all you have to do is be separated two years and have his agreement (which admittedly he may not give because he's controlling, malicious, will never admit to what he is) or five years without his agreement. He can't do anything about it if you wait five years, which may sound long but will fly in.

And that's talking divorce; you don't have to divorce until you choose to, you could just remain separated.
He can't do anything to keep you in that house, or keep you in a relationship with him if you don't want to .. welcome to the UK. You could have moved out with the kids (and you're their main carer) because he farted too much or didn't like the way he chews .. and he can't do anything about it (nor could he do anything about you divorcing him after five yes separation).

If he harassed you, you record and report every single incident and he'll end up with s non mol order.

he appears to be a normal person, he has a good job and friends, etc.

So did Ted Bundy and Joseph Fritzel ... Just saying.

I'd guess his mates don't know he puts lights on at night and won't let you sleep or hides your car keys and stops you from.gking to work until you have sex with him when he considers the next session overdue ... Or says you better say bye to your loved ones while you still can.

(Even then some people have such low standards and are so stupid they'd still be friends with an abuser esp. men who dislike women.

My uncle, who can be rather clueless told me that he has a friend, acquaintance I suppose, who basically thinks women shouldnt be allowed out of the house or should be wearing burkas .. it didn't seem to occur to him to end their acquaintance due to that, I don't know how much he challenged him at the time or not. Lots of people take a "that's their business" attitude to really quite disgusting attitudes and behaviour, sad reality. They're not worth worrying about.

OP I get why leaving now seems huge and that it can take a long time to get your head to that point.

Please do start planning and prepping to leave though, because I'm sorry to say this isn't going to change. What you're experiencing now is all part of the standard cycle of abuse. That he is still blaming you for "overreacting" shows this hasnt been the shock you tentatively hope it would be.

Please don't try to go undergo marriage counselling - in an abusive relationship it can cause more damage. You don't need to change here.

Start making plans, please do talk to a family member or friend in real life as you'll need support as this escalates.

Further on the subject of people believing you.

It's very wise that you let the police and WA know how what he's been doing (for yourself and your kids on an ongoing basis/for the future) and they will believe you. They've seen it all before, sadly. Including the man who thinks he's done nothing wrong, that his partner is overreacting, is charming, and that they're his buddies. (They didnt say bye to you because they're not your buddies mate).
Butnfor the sake of argument, even if they didn't believe you (about his behaviour to date) that has absolutely no bearing on whether you can leave him. That's a private, relationship matter and entirely up to you.

If he then harassed, threatened etc. you, you'd record & report everything and there'd be no believing or not believing. You'd not leg him into your new home so anything he did or said would be in the street or by email/text etc. (Also you wouldn't communicate via phone unless you were recording it).

In terms of people who are not police or WA believing you - they don't matter.

That's just the way it is. It's very likely his family will back him no matter what.

Other people ... It just depends, as I said even apparently decent people can take a "their business" view on abusive behaviour. Sad and angering but you're not going to change people. The reality is you don't have to tell anyone anything unless you choose to .. you can say nothing at all, you can say you weren't happy in the marriage/relationship and wanted to leave .. people do that every day of the week.

There is no public jury about what happened in a relationship and who was telling the truth. Noone really cares about,b its old news very quickly. The only thing that matters is your happiness with your kids.

Op, have you got someone you can check in every day with in real life? If not, a poster on here (probably not me as there are far more experienced people on this thread who can advise as needed). It doesn't need to be anything long, just something to say you are ok. Maybe set up a something you can innocently text if you need help.

The idea is that if they don't hear from you by a certain time they can go round to help. I know it sounds melodramatic and will probably feel it too but it is a safety net just in case. If it is someone on here unless they are local they would need to call the police in the first instance so a friend or family member would be better. I know you don't want to tell them but I promise you they would rather know than find out afterwards that you were suffering alone.

Please consider doing this while you are with this man.

You only have one life.

Your children only have one childhood.

You are not happy so even if dc don’t know the details they are being deprived of what you could be, a really happy mum enjoying life.

Please don’t have sex with him again. In normal relationships men and woman are allowed to say ‘not tonight‘ - and for weeks or months at a time if they have a problem. Couples usually discuss stuff. You’ve been through a lot. I know it seems like too much has to be done to get free of him and it’s daunting but it can be done and you and dc will reap the rewards.

We’ll soon see if his nasty behaviour returns when he doesn’t get sex.

I think you will find his Me Nice Guy facade disappears and the demanding and punishing cycle returns. Perhaps that will let you see that he won’t change. He doesn’t want to.
You deserve better.

I agree with the poster above that you need to set up a safety net (and an emergency exit/escape plan).

Maybe his threats towards you and others close to you are "talk"/bluster but I don't like the sound of them at all, and I think many posters on this thread are very worried they're not and something could happen to you or your loved ones.

You need to set things up in case you have to get away quickly (ideally with the kids) or get him out, with the help of WA.

Some posters have also mentioned good ideas here.

Just to point out, though, that even if you are planning for an imagined situation when it gets worse, that doesn't mean you should be waiting until it gets worse to think about leaving. Even if it doesn't get worse, please describe the situation as it is to some professionals, and listen to their advice. You are no longer sure how to assess the situation because it's been normalised, and because your judgement has been questioned for so long. You need to ask other people in real life how serious they think it is, or what they think someone in your situation should do.

OP you know you can meet up with one other person outside your household (socially distanced!). Do you have someone you trust you could meet up with to talk things through irl? Seeing a friend/family member in person might help you to go over things and put it into perspective with someone you are happy to confide in. They can also then check on you daily x

Just to point out, though, that even if you are planning for an imagined situation when it gets worse, that doesn't mean you should be waiting until it gets worse to think about leaving. Even if it doesn't get worse, please describe the situation as it is to some professionals, and listen to their advice. You are no longer sure how to assess the situation because it's been normalised, and because your judgement has been questioned for so long.

Very very true.

You need to ask other people in real life how serious they think it is, or what they think someone in your situation should do.

As long as they are not minimisers/foolish.

Also professionals can sometimes be quite neural in order for someone not to feel pushed/bullied/overwhelmed and like they can't keep coming back to them if they don't leave at that particular time.

I’m going to be very blunt here, OP.

If you do not leave him you will run the risk of losing your children - it’s that simple - and if that’s not bad enough, you run the risk of losing them to this bastard who is their father. Let that sink in. It’s what happened to me.

OP I had major guilt for not ending things sooner
I started many threads
Was berated here many time’s

And you know what one of the KEY rules of the freedom programme is to NOT berate women

So once I said to her
‘ I feel so guilty to still be here ‘
And she said the most amazing thing
She said ‘if it was easy , people would leave . But it isn’t easy ‘

And eventually I did , and was it easy ? NO

So all the people that bash women and write snippy comments , back the fuck off

OP will be back and we need to support hey not scare her from coming back

I think this is SO important to say

It’s a lot for the OP to take in and there is a lot of information for the OP to process. I’m sure her head is spinning at the moment (she also has a pending follow up visit from the Police) and will be back to reassure us that she’s ok later. She certainly does not need MNers berating her, she has enough to deal with.

It’s a fucking own goal

Berate and threaten OP
Then they don’t come back
Yay

Really fed up of this
We should be better

OP, your husband is a rapist and an abuser.

He is being nice to you now because abuse is a cycle. It’s a cycle where you’re abused, then treated nicely for a while in order for the abuser to convince you that it wasn’t as bad as you remember it. They convince you to doubt your own judgement. They convince you that what happens when he isn’t being nice is your fault. It is not your fault, I’m going to say it again because it’s the most important bit.

What he is doing to you is not your fault.

The blame for his behaviour lies solely with him. You do not deserve this. You are worth more than this. Right now leaving seems like the hardest thing in the world, and it will be hard. But it won’t be anywhere near as bad as continuing to live your life under the threat of this man. You are worth more than this and your children are worth more than this too.

You deserve a good life. You deserve to raise your children without the input of an abusive man. And you deserve to live your life on your own terms. You deserve happiness.

Please seek help. Don’t listen to the people on here berating you for not leaving. You have been abused and gaslighted for years into believing that this is the best you can hope for, but that’s not true. The first thing you need to do is accept the support thats available to help you realise that. Listen to all the practical advice other people have given you and start making plans to be able to leave at short notice. Start cutting those strings of control he holds over you.

And please please keep coming back here for support. There are people who have your back. We believe you, absolutely and unequivocally