Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

"Yes I can see what is happening is not right and I may need help".

I think op has pretty much said that, but that at this point she doesn't feel she can leave him.

Her posting on here is evidence of the former.

(op wouldnt have posted of she didn't feel she needs perspectives and help, and she hadn't disappeared after a few people posted like many posters do).

You’re old enough to know the nice guy act is a facade.

You need to break up with him and leave ASAP. That’s easier said than done, but you have to protect yourself. He showed you the real him.

To be honest, if you want to stay than that’s your conscious choice at this point. You know what he’s like. This will happen again.

Personally I feel like it’s better to be poor but safe instead of staying and dealing with whatever he throws at you next, but you clearly don’t

OP has a job that she drives herself to. Possibly uses childcare during those times and presumably doesn't work alongside her husband if she needs to drive herself there. She has opportunities to think away from him and come to her own decisions.

I am off work this week (previously booked as it's half term) He is working from home today so it is more difficult to make any calls. I tried to use the live chat to women's aid but I was in a queue and didn't get through.

I will try again tomorrow

You did the right thing he's a borderline rapist based on your first post.

As it's 11 pages long I imagine he probably is a rapist.

Please stay strong and make plans to leave. No one should have to live like this

@GilbertMarkham ...

*"He is trying really hard at the moment, I think this is maybe a wake up call for him as he's being very nice and is going to try and get some help for him.

I don't feel unsafe now. I can't face the upheaval of leaving over this and I have nowhere to go. I genuinely don't believe he would harm the children."*

That's actually the complete opposite of saying I need help. Of course there could be subtext, but it's difficult when you're trying to give advice and not being heard. The police can't break into her house to help when she doesn't want it. She feels she is safe now and people trying to help are basically just harassing her at this point.

Absolutely shocked and disgusted that the police haven't protected you

I was in a sexually abusive (and other abuse) relationship with my children's dad, he raped me. I was on here like you and was shocked and scared. But I left him, I went to the police, yes it was fucking awful for a while but the freedom and release of not having to worry about his abuse, not going to be anxious every night, and being able to love my children and focus on them was well worth it in the end.

it's important to understand that when you have been living like this for a long time, the first battle to get out and get safe is with yourself. You have been living in survival mode OP and the journey out will be difficult but can be done. A good life waits on the other side. Posting here and seeing what other people think is a huge step forward. Do not let him know what you are thinking. He is a dangerous man. imagine where you want to be in a year, or 6 months, and plan in your head how to get there. Other posters have given you phone numbers and so on, you need an emergency escape route, planned out in your head, and a phone, that you can always access and he cant take from you, as a first step ,Maybe buy a cheap pay as u go phone, with credit on it and charged but only if u can do this without him finding out. pay in cash is best, if u can pack an emergency bag with bank details, and other vital documents that u can grab if u need to do that. Keep coming back her if only to read, it will give you strength.

Poor you

You do sound strong by the way

And well done for posting on here

So many wonderful people on here so please follow the great advice I have seen on this thread

Stay strong

I am on the other side of this
Safe and happy

He is taking us to court but he won't get the access he wants 50/50 due to all the things he did to us

So sorry you have been through this

That's actually the complete opposite of saying I need help.

I wouldnt agree.

Of course there could be subtext

Yes.

but it's difficult when you're trying to give advice and not being heard.

I wouldn't assume you're not being heard. Not acting in something immediately does not mean the person is not hearing. This guy has been conditioning op for years, at this point, as in any abusive relationship there's an element of Stockholm syndrome and many other facets too.

It's not a great analogy but remember when you were a young person and your parents were trying to impart their wisdom & advice .. you may have appeared to be disregarding it but you were still absorbing it and processing it, it was still going in.

There an awful lot for op to absorb and process against the context of the conditions her DH has been doing to her for a long time.

*conditioning

The fact that op has been trying to contact WA also belies what you've said.

*I tried to use the live chat to women's aid but I was in a queue and didn't get through.

I will try again tomorrow*

It might be worth trying to just phone your nearest branch. What they usually do is take your details and get a worker/counsellor to phone you back, which may take a few days .. suppose it depends on the office and how busy they are etc.

That's if you can make a private phone call of course.

You may also be able to email your local office.

This is abuse. He is subjecting you to a form of violence. You need to leave. He will hurt you. Have you got anywhere you can go?

People berating the OP need to understand that she has been controlled abused and disrespected on a wholesale basis by the one person she should be able to trust. The damage is not just physical. Effectively telling her off for not leaving immediately is again denying her agency as an adult and is at best unkind and counter productive. Help is there when you re ready to grab it OP but you have to be ready to rescue yourself.

Heart-breaking to read this. I've struggled with relationships for most of my life. I often wonder if anybody will love me. I'm 35, single and have all but conceded defeat in my desire to be a mother. Reading threads like this make me feel like the lucky one.

This is not a relationship. You are worthy of so much better.

People behave made a good point about having a second phone somewhere.

I think that if/when he escalates again, he's going to be very motivated indeed to stop you from calling the police. One time night be seen (by him) as an excuseable misunderstanding/something that got out of control/a storm in a tea cup (insert bullshit here) .. two times is the start of a pattern and indicates an undeniable problem. He already sounds concerned about the neighbours knowing .. and no doubt wants to totally avoid family, work colleagues etc. knowing. It sounds like he's been v successful at getting you to keep everything to yourself so people don't have an inkling yet of what he's like.

You need to plan carefully.

I made a thread once and one (male) poster was saying I wasn't listening by page 5! And others a few pages on- this was only a day or two and they were getting stroppy that I hadn't dumped someone I spent half my time with instantaneously because it took me a few more days to fully realize what was happening, be assertive and start to get out of it.

Within 9 days from starting the thread I'd blocked the bloke on everything. I personally think it's an amazing credit to MN that everyone got me to do it so quickly.

I wasn't married to him and didn't have children- obviously women in that position might take longer to leave.

Never give up on an OP. Especially after only 24 hours or something!

Effectively telling her off for not leaving immediately is again denying her agency as an adult and is at best unkind and counter productive.

Exactly - in every fkg thread these people do this. "You're not going to leave, are you op", "you're going to stay with him, aren't you op", "you're failing your children op".

Don't get me wrong- I know OP needs to leave ASAP for the safety and health of herself and her kids.

I think it would be more helpful to the OP if everybody stopped arguing amongst themselves.

OP, I’m glad you came back this evening, I was worried you wouldn’t. Keep trying with women’s aid, don’t lose heart. I’m sure you’ve heard how busy these charities are at the moment.
I hope the posts on here have helped you to realise what’s happening to you. I saw you said that it doesn’t feel that bad and that maybe you’re just “used to it”
Well that’s exactly it, you’ve been conditioned to believe that this is not that bad and perhaps slightly ok. It doesn’t feel that bad because you’ve agreed right? He’s not physically holding you down so how can it be rape? But it is rape. It is.

Please continue to come on here when you need to, don’t let some posters out you off.
I completely understand you not being able to leave straight away. I’ve been there, but I urge you to try.
For yourself and for your children.