Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

Please everyone quit with the berating and victim blaming! At its best Mumsnet is an amazing place for support but some people are treating this woman's life like a soap opera.

Some of the posts on here are disgusting.
When I was going though this, as I posted earlier, around 12 years ago, I started posting on an online forum and my gosh I had so much support!
People believed me straight away, everyone supported me and no one berated me even though it took about 8 months of posting before I finally did something about it.
The OP has come here for support and no, she may not leave instantly, she may not leave at all but she just came here to let it all out and get advice.
Be kind

I'm so sorry.

Firstly, this is abuse and is not your fault.

Secondly, plan your escape route.

This woman is never going to leave

OP ran out of the house and called the police. Very few people would put up with threatened with death or even constantly pressured to have sex. After she's called the police once, it's likely that eventually OP will leave. It can take a few incidents etc.

It just takes a while for the reality of what's happening to truly slot into place fully in someone's mind, when they think someone's an ok person.

Oh of course, being told to say goodbye to those you love, an alarm being set, giving you an hour to "change " constantly raped coerced into sex, sounds like the perfect marriage!

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel Maybe some things are so extreme it's almost dreamlike- it's maybe hard to get one's head around that it happened that way at all from someone you trusted (although it did.) It's harder still if that person is telling you it never happened that way- though I suppose he would say that.

@FGTV , as @Ogham said, please keep us updated as to how you're doing. xxx

Have been in DV situations twice. The niceness after the abusive behaviour is by far the most addictive part - he is sweet, contrite, many of you the most loving times in my relationships were when he was making up with me & “being good”.

I think it is really unfair & unrealistic of people to expect someone to leave when they are not at the stage of understanding the cycle of abuse & accepting they are a victim of abuse. I honestly don’t know how social workers do it, listening to the same sorry tales & having to nod + make the right noises but not scream “leave now!!!”

I'm pretty certain I know who you are (username obvs not real life). If you are who I think you are you've posted about this man many times before, and i really do hope that one day you see him for the person he is and have the courage to forget about appearances and go it alone... The part about asking for sex after the police had gone was fucking shocking.

Many posters have given good advice and support without deriding her current inability to leave.

The part about asking for sex after the police had gone was fucking shocking.

Straight back to business as usual.

Even after pushing his wife so far - and threatening her so badly - that she called the police.

He's absolutely entrenched in his behaviour and in the values & attitudes behind it.

There is no fixing that level of crazy.

Op please please do read that Lundy Bancroft book I linked before, I think.youll.recognise him in there;

Here's the link again;

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Skim through it by all means, there's a lot in there.

I've also heard good things about the book by Don Hennessy, "How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser".

Here's one quote from it that seems very relevant;

"Before the abuser initiates contact with a prospective long-term intimate partner he has already developed some very strong beliefs and attitudes. In his own mind he knows what he needs from an intimate relationship and he is convinced that he is entitled to have these needs met. He is also convinced that these needs outweigh any cost to his prospective partner."

Lundy Bancroft worked in an abusers/domestic violence perpetrators program in the US for many years. Do Hennessy worked at the other end in Ireland; they are both have extensive first hand knowledge and experience, they're not academic theorists/bull shitters.

Similar with Pat Craven, author of "Living with the Dominator" and originator of The Freedom Programme.
Real life experience of abusers, who were locked up in prisons, where she ran programmes to get them rehabilitated. Never worked, but she gained such insight into how their warped minds worked

I have previously posted under a different names but things were not this bad before
I was @turtlebay

Reading back on previous posts makes me realise how I'm just completely worn down and the fight is gone 😥
The police have not contacted me yet, I have tried to get through to live chat on women's aid again today but not got connected.
He is working away from home tomorrow so I will hopefully be able to call

Thank you to everyone that's taken the time to message with advice or share experiences. I really appreciate your support. It means a lot to feel that I have people on my side
Thank you also to the eye rollers, I'm glad you solved your situation so easily or have never been through this. It's actually really shit. I'm never been a doormat or an idiot but somehow that's what I've become. I sincerely hope you have never been, or are never in a situation Like this

I will have a look at that book, thank you

You haven't lost all your fight OP. You showed it in calling the police. It is hard and exhausting though to keep that up when someone is pushing you in another direction. See if you can call WA tomorrow. One step at a time.

You wouldn't even be on here if you'd list your fight (and as the poster above said - you definitely wouldn't have phoned the police).

He's a bullying, pathetic prick. He's actually a rapist.
You're better than him, you're a normal, decent person.

*lost

You are not a doormat or an idiot. Abuse can happen to anyone. The only person to blame for abuse is the abuser. Well done for calling the police. You should be proud of yourself for that. You have fight left, he’s just convinced you that you don’t. Call women’s aid tomorrow, and if possible take the opportunity of him being out of the house to scan some important documents.

I know it’s hard but please try not to talk down to yourself. You are so strong and you are not what he is telling you you are.

This is one of the post disturbing posts I’ve ever read on MN. Please OP, for your children’s sake if not your own, get out of this relationship.

Thanks for getting back to us @FGTV. Would you also ring the police station tomorrow and ask them to follow up as promised? Maybe ask to talk to their DV team?

Please think of how good life will be without him (after the initial upheaval of course). You’ve put up with enough from this excuse of a man, please break free.

You sound amazing

Keep going and please get out when you can

So sorry he has done this to you

This will get better and stay strong.

I have been through it and met lots of good people

Also met loads who judge but sod them they have no clue

It's easy for any of us to tell you what to do and immeasurably harder to put in to action.

It's not our life being turned upside down,
We're not the ones who have spent years being told they are wrong,
We haven't got to face up to the fact that we are living with a person who genuinely terrifies us.

Some of us have, however, had experience of men like him before. Perhaps not as bad or just as bad in other ways. So we do know what it is like to feel hopeless and that we are the ones to blame and not know what to do for the best. Many of us here have wanted to leave but thought we were better off staying for the kids sake.

Please don't lose heart OP. If you can't see a way out just now, keep a record of what has happened, read previous posts and the support you've received on here, eventually you will be able to see a way out.

@FGTV

As PP have said, you are doing really well and you certainly have not lost your fight. If you can, follow up with the police again tomorrow and hopefully you will also be able to speak to someone at Women's Aid who can help you with practical advice on what to do next.

If you can bear to (but I know it might be a step too far at the moment), it could also be worth talking to someone IRL - ideally someone who is nearby and can even assist you with your escape plan as and when it comes to that. No sensible person will judge you and the moral and practical support could be extremely helpful to you. If you have RL support, that person may also be able to store copies of important documents and other useful/important items for you so you know you have them if you and the DC need to leave in a hurry. (There is a list of the kinds of things you need to pack at this link: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7).

One step at a time and you will get there. You've made a huge realisation and you've followed up on it. Good on you, OP. Post here again if you need further support. We are all rooting for you.