Really lovely guy but... I don’t find him attractive

[CheeryCherry]

.. we’ve known each other 18 months but started dating a few months back. Not my usual type but was trying not to be so narrow minded and accept him as he has a great personality and we do get on really well. He has fallen heavily for me - which I suspect he has done with others in the past. He’s now constantly talking about moving in with me, buying furniture for my house, getting married, wants to call me and text me day and night. He does admit to being a little insecure. I try not to commit to future decisions, but he constantly asks direct questions which I struggle to avoid.
I want things to be more relaxed and steadily paced. He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can.
Plus.... although he is lovely, romantic, thoughtful.... I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??

Eee yup, called it

Best to stop replying completely now though op. I wouldn't bother contacting one of his friends.

Thats it, its over. And if he turns up, don't answer the door! If he wont leave, police time.

Please stop replying to him completely op. Adding 'today' to that text will basically just be read as 'but I'll happily listen to your harassment again tomorrow'.

If you want 'I do not wish to remain friends. Continuing to harass me will result in me making a police report. Do not contact me again'. Block and delete.

I just sent a text that I won’t be replying to anything as I’m working today

From that you make it sound like you're open to communication but not today as you're working

Yeh op you really have to put the foot down properly. Because atm he thinks you are an easy target. He already knows he could talk you into dating him for 3 months even although you didn't even fancy him. He thinks you're a pushover and if he just keeps at it, you will doubt your decision enough to give him another chance. He is betting on your dislike of confrontation. Be firm! And final. You can do it! Youre almost there.

Well!!!
He’s sent me an epic email - one poster said he’d do that!
He has been quite eloquent and measured with his words. He has given me a list of questions to answer. He does say he has accepted the relationship is over but mentioned ‘so you can show this to the police if there should be any need’ WTF?
He wants to remain friends - we’ve known each other for 18 months with the odd chat here and there. But limited dating obviously more recently.
He reckons we can still go away together (err... no!) and meet up as friends.
I know I’m pathetic but I’m feeling a tad guilty - but i won’t be changing my mind.
He does say he won’t be turning up unannounced so I really hope he sticks to that- that’s my biggest fear. ExH still does that and it frightens me.
Lucky escape as you all say.
I’m still uncertain it is going to be this straightforward but I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

What questions has he asked? Please don't reply OP as others have said he will then think he can make you change your mind.
Don't feel guilty, I know it's hard as I've been there too. But just think he caused this and had this dramatic meltdown to show you who he really is. None of this is your fault.

I got letters and cards in the post etc.....
I just ignored them all.
Block him on everything now.
All apps, whatsapp, messenger, text, phone, all social media etc....
I really hope he has got the message.
Well done.
Don't sway. You know you've had a lucky escape!

Well CheeryCherry that email also appears to be following a fairly standard script for this kind of situation. My interpretation of the email is that he hasn't really accepted that it's over. Instead, he hopes that by keeping you as a friend he can demonstrate that he is not the person you dumped but is instead a better person. So if you attempt to stay friends with him he will spend several months being a 'changed person' so that you eventually give him another chance.

I was betting rambelling posted letter. But i guess email is close xD

Bet he has had the police called before on him. Otherwise why would he think to mention them?

Oh op you poor thing. Such a stressful thing to have to go through. These sort are bloody vampires :(

Bet if you answered those questions youd see some interesting mind manipulation tactics xD

Onviously dont though.

Think of him as the enemy looking for your weak spot.

After he’s behaved like this you’re feeling guilty?!

Stop all contact. He’s not a friend.

Does he know the history with your exH because if he does, he's an even bigger arsehole as it sounds like he might be using things you've told him to worry you. Don't feel guilty...feel relieved that you avoided another manipulative shit show.

Never settle
It never ends well for anyone

Wonder if he will start with the messaging again soon 'did you get my email?' 'Why arent you responding?', 'you're being so cold/unfair/unreasonable/disrespectful' :/

Dont younfind though ladies once you have been through this before you can recognise the signs and red flags for the future? I'm not sure if I'm super cautious now, however I can spot this time a mile off. Even in a supermarket queue? (there may be unjust but..)

The debts, the gambling (projection), the police being called (happened before no doubt) living in shared accommodation age 50. The desperation and threats now the bargaining and wanting to be friends. He is following the script to a T. OP the guilt is normal, you're human and caring. Go back, and you will be in the same place a few weeks down the line. You dont fancy him, you dont want him, hes not your problem. Be cruel to be kind

He does say he won’t be turning up unannounced so I really hope he sticks to that- that’s my biggest fear. ExH still does that and it frightens me.
If you haven't already, OP, I'd suggest getting something like a Ring doorbell/camera (check Amazon) to give yourself a little peace of mind to know who's at your door.

Please don't respond to him except to block and delete him on ALL platforms. Set up your email so any further emails from him go into a separate folder do you don't have to see it in your IN box but you have evidence in the new folder should you need it later...

Hi Cherry, have been following with interest. While I didn't have a short term flame turn so quickly, I did have an ex-boyfriend that also refused to believe it was over. There was constant peppering emails and messages saying that additional meetings and explanations were "owed" to him. What this really meant was 'I don't agree with your reasons, I'm going to try and convince you that a breakup was groundless'. When I did meet for re-hash meetings (foolish!!) we inevitable didn't re-hash, it was him being charming and chatty and when we parted ways he'd remind me that we still hadn't had 'that talk' so it was all dragged out over and over.
You've been as firm and clear as you can be, I'd recommend stopping messaging as the subtext to continued conversation truly is that you're open to being convinced. What else is there to explain more than you've said?
I understand not wanting to be 'brutal' or 'unfair', but speaking from experience, making a long, belated and messy drawn out affair is ultimately bad for everyone's peace of mind.
Good luck, I know it's horrible and you can feel guilty, but truly, you've done nothing wrong!!

Cut all contact & don't look back. Don't feel guilty, you need to extract yourself from this one pronto before he works his way back in. Protect yourself, you're obviously still vulnerable to his manipulative ways.

Okay, message him ONCE and once only. To say "you are now harrassing me. This is me formally asking you not to contact me ever again. If you attempt to contact me after this message I will report you to the police for harrassment."

And follow through on it.

You have enough messages on your phone (including the suicide threats) in a really short space of time to show that this man is seriously unhinged. The police will take it seriously. Better a swift kick up the arse now from the police in the first couple of days than him turning into creepy stalker from hell.

Here here! Bare in mind 'because I don't want to be with you anymore' is actually a perfectly valid reason in itself not to stay with someone anyway. You dont need to explain it or justify it.

@lockdownmadness Ooh I dont know about in a que (suspicions definately though xD) but I recon the majority I could spot in and around the first date now. Think once you see a few, the patterns become clearer. And mumsnet really is brilliant for helping you spot them :)

Sod the questions and being friends. That's all to keep you on the hook.

I would send a message saying "I need to have a clean break so I won't be responding to any more messages. Good luck for the future, all the best cheery"

@Bunnymumy yes I was probably being rather unfair my radar has gone into overdrive. The is certainly a pattern and personality traits.

He has given me a list of questions to answer
Oh yeah - like what??
Please don't answer his questions - any of them.
STOP feeling guilty - us little wimmin are expected to pander to the poor hurt 'man'. Fuck that - it needs to stop.
Simple reply...
NO - please leave me alone. (I would probably leave out the 'please' but you are still a people pleaser at the moment so go with it if you need to)

I’m surprised people are saying 18 months and wanting to move in is moving too fast, I don’t think it is.

Someone once said to me ‘if it’s going well you shouldn’t be confused’ and that stuck with me.

You don’t like him, you don’t have to wait until something goes wrong to split up with someone. For his sake I would end it, how would you feel if he was saying this about you?

Haha it happens. You never know though. Im adamant I have spotted a few in the past in the workplace (because they are the sort who bully). from just a look they've given me. Like a shark sizing up its dinner.

Probably the same thing some of them do during dating. Intensity, you know. Only in dating we mistake it for lust or chemistry or something.

So I wouldn't be surprised if occasionally there were actually small things like that we could pick up on quickly sometimes.

@Bumble84
They had only been dating 3 months of that though.