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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really lovely guy but... I don’t find him attractive

252 replies

CheeryCherry · 26/05/2020 08:55

.. we’ve known each other 18 months but started dating a few months back. Not my usual type but was trying not to be so narrow minded and accept him as he has a great personality and we do get on really well. He has fallen heavily for me - which I suspect he has done with others in the past. He’s now constantly talking about moving in with me, buying furniture for my house, getting married, wants to call me and text me day and night. He does admit to being a little insecure. I try not to commit to future decisions, but he constantly asks direct questions which I struggle to avoid.
I want things to be more relaxed and steadily paced. He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can.
Plus.... although he is lovely, romantic, thoughtful.... I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??

OP posts:
PerditaProvokesEnmity · 27/05/2020 07:22

(What am I saying? 12 weeks!)

justilou1 · 27/05/2020 07:25

Was waiting for the fake suicide threat. This guy is reading the controlling abuser’s song book...

lockdownmadness · 27/05/2020 07:26

I agree, its probably bollocks about his ex. He is incredibly insecure isnt he..a grown man unable to control his emotions, just about begging to see you, not respecting boundaries etc. when you say no, he takes it to the next level to get your attention. He needs to be stopped. Things is, with nice people you start to doubt yourself and of course will have some feelings for him. But you must stay strong as ultimately by doing that, you are being kind to him. He needs to get over it himself, he shouldn't be sharing with you

summerrose11 · 27/05/2020 07:32

@cheerycherry this is all part of a manipulative person's script. Threatening to end his life. What you do is this. You call an ambulance to his house to check on him. I sure bet he will stop with these stupid threats

lockdownmadness · 27/05/2020 07:34

best case scenario is, he is in shock and will calm down over the next few days.

wallywonker · 27/05/2020 07:35

Sorry, I think the history about the ex is bollocks too. There seems to be so many men out there that have been cheated on/shafted over the money/had a wife who ran up large credit card bills.

I would be very wary of someone who was living in a shared rented house at the age of 50 too.

I think you just know whether it's right or not. I had known DH for about 18 months. We'd only been going out for five months when he proposed. There was no doubt in my mind he was the right one having had lots of half hearted relationships previously. 14 years on it's still good.

Stay strong. Don't over explain yourself. Just tell him it's not working for you and you want to be single.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 27/05/2020 07:40

Thank you.
I have been through all this shit before with exH who took an overdose and disappeared- police involved etc- he admitted later it was attention seeking but the effect on my dcs was horrific.
Can’t believe how much this has spiralled.
I’m wary of wasting police time and wondering if I should contact one of his friends.
I’ve just blocked him on fb as I don’t want him spouting off on there - most people don’t even know about him!
I do expect him to contact my kids,or my friends but we’ll see.

OP posts:
wallywonker · 27/05/2020 07:49

No second chances for this one, op.

"We want different things. I want to enjoy being single. You want a relationship and you are suffocating me."

Rinse and repeat.

Don't worry about him. He will soon find another victim to attach himself to.

bettybluenose · 27/05/2020 07:50

A friend of mine had a relationship which followed almost step by step what you have described here. When she split up with him and he was threatening suicide actually what he really wanted was some attention because he was very emotionally immature. She rang a mutual friend who got in touch with the ex and the friend spent hours and hours listening to the ex go on and on about how he would never find anyone else etc etc. However, it was clear he wasn't actually serious about suicide he just couldn't control his emotions.

If you know his friends, I think contacting one of them to check in on him is sensible rather than possibly wasting police time.

CalmConfident · 27/05/2020 08:00

You have really dodged a bullet here Ozp

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2020 08:03

Good idea about the friend.

Going to block him on everything now?

TorkTorkBam · 27/05/2020 08:04

I don't think it is a waste of police time at all. He has made a threat of suicide today. You think it is bollocks but can't be sure so you are thinking of calling his friends.

Let's assume it is bollocks, I think it is an excellent use of police time to have a firm word with him. Less chance he will do it with anyone else in future. Less chance he will stalk you now.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 27/05/2020 08:05

Fancying likely matters less when you're older

What an incredibly sad and depressing thought.

Why does it matter less? Are you implying women in their 50s dont deserve good sex? or that women in their 50s should just lie back and think of England and just be grateful any man will have them?

Bull. Shit. Chemistry matters no matter what your age. If you dont fancy your partner then essentially, youre just friends arent you? Nothing wrong with that at all (if thats what you want) but if a person wants an entire relationship which includes sex and intimacy then its perfectly reasonable they should seek out someone they fancy.

Life is too short for bad sex or to put such awful negative limitations on your life. Dont live a small life of lack and frustrated desire- go out and get what you want. We only have one life - grab it with both hands.

Happynow001 · 27/05/2020 08:05

He is incredibly insecure isnt he..a grown man unable to control his emotions,
Actually I'm not sure he IS insecure He sounds very in control to me, as well as highly manipulative. If, OP you get any further involved, past a possible request for a police safety check, he will ramp up even further and he'll be even harder to escape.

Do, please, block and delete him on ALL platforms. I'd also report him to the police for harassment.

JudyGemstone · 27/05/2020 08:05

I was going to say the same, if you've been friends with him 18 months do you know any of his friends/family? I would contact one of them, tell them you've split up and he's upset and ask them to check in.

Healthy people do not become suicidal over the end of a 12 week relationship, he clearly had issues before you came along.

TorkTorkBam · 27/05/2020 08:09

Don't contact friends. That makes his hoovering successful.

He can contact his own friends of he needs a shoulder to cry on. If he's too far gone into a ludicrous pit of despair to contact friends himself (like a normal person after a short relationship ends) then the police is the best option because he's in a crazy place.

BecomingMe · 27/05/2020 08:16

Be careful as in my experience, the next stage is anger and he will get nasty.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 27/05/2020 08:25

Well I messed that bit up - as I’ve blocked him on fb I can’t access his friends list.
He’s rung 3 times and text more. I’m not picking up.

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 27/05/2020 08:29

If you have already dealt with an abusive, stalking ex then you are strong. So pleased to read that you have done the smart thing and dumped him.

Agree with pp about calling the police to do a welfare check. That has the double benefit of ensuring his safety and making sure there is a record of his batshit behaviour. Not that I think this is anything other than a manipulative tactic.

OP, have you read The Gift of Fear? Amazing book, and if you read it you will be clear that you dodged a bullet here. The writer also has specific advice about dealing with this type of behaviour.

Say no, once, then refrain from all further contact. If he sends 1000 messages afterwards and you text back again to say "leave me alone like i already told you" then you have taught him that it takes 1000 messages to elicit a response. You can then expect 1000 more. Every time you respond after you have clearly said that you won't teaches him that your mind can be changed, and that your NO was a negotiation not a full stop.

Kit19 · 27/05/2020 08:31

Jeeez definitely dodged a bullet!! Don’t respond at all to anything he sends. He is not your responsibility

I’m so sorry - this sort of behaviour is incredibly stressful xxx

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2020 08:35

Police then.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/05/2020 08:36

Is there any way you can change your number?

Beware of him turning up at your door with flowers, extravagent gestures of any kind. He thought he had you hooked and was looking forward to his comfortable future in your house. HE may not even know that's what he was doing; giving him the benefit of the doubt he may lack the insight to realise that this was probably his last chance to get out of shared rented and into a nice home of 'his own'.

But after such a short time of dating - yeah, he really should have the grace and decency to bow out. Acting like this just shows that he really never was relationship material.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 27/05/2020 08:44

I once read that no one falls in love quicker than a guy with no where to stay...

Oh so true! Grin

bet he was the one with the gambling problem.

Yes i thought that straight away

his 16 phone calls

Confused

Don't engage, call the police and leave them to deal with this...if it's genuine he needs help and they'll get arranged for him, and if it's not, he's just proved multiple PP theories that he's an abusive arsehole.

This exactly. Stop texting and stop reading his texts, he's seeing this as you're still Interested!
Please don't meet up with him either!

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/05/2020 08:49

You are absolutely right to disengage, all that 'sorry I'm not good enough for you' crap is to hook you back in because the temptation is to reply 'no it's not you ' etc etc..
You are well rid. Keep strong!

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/05/2020 08:51

Also beware of all messages designed to open a dialogue by making you contradict him, like 'I always knew you were seeing someone else at the same time - I've got evidence...' and suchlike.

The SECOND you re-engage he thinks he can talk you round and you will be bombarded. Radio silence is the only way.

And I doubt, in the extreme, all suicide threats. See above re messages designed to get you to re-engage.