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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really lovely guy but... I don’t find him attractive

252 replies

CheeryCherry · 26/05/2020 08:55

.. we’ve known each other 18 months but started dating a few months back. Not my usual type but was trying not to be so narrow minded and accept him as he has a great personality and we do get on really well. He has fallen heavily for me - which I suspect he has done with others in the past. He’s now constantly talking about moving in with me, buying furniture for my house, getting married, wants to call me and text me day and night. He does admit to being a little insecure. I try not to commit to future decisions, but he constantly asks direct questions which I struggle to avoid.
I want things to be more relaxed and steadily paced. He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can.
Plus.... although he is lovely, romantic, thoughtful.... I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/05/2020 08:55

Don't call his friends. That is still engaging with him. Call the police re: going to kill himself today and have nothing further to do with him.

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2020 09:18

You can unblock easily enough.

JackiFazaki · 27/05/2020 09:25

I agree about calling the police re suicide threat.
Don't chase round his pals, don't engage directly with him any further.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/05/2020 09:27

Don't call the police about the suicide threat, it's bollocks.
Just ignore now.

lockdownmadness · 27/05/2020 09:33

For now, I wouldn't call the police or contact his friends. This will fuel him and show him you a rising to it. I would ignore, keep the 'its over' on repeat if you must reply and get on with your own life to manage the stress of it. Get out in the sunshine and into the calm. You have dodged a bullet and know it.

JudyGemstone · 27/05/2020 09:37

I assumed you had mutual friends, if not then maybe don't contact a random.

You could ring 101, explain the situation and let them decide if they wanna do a welfare check or not.

Oh and turn off your read receipts if you haven't already, you can do this with iMessage and WhatsApp

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2020 09:46

He won’t kill himself, but if it feels right to you then contact police and explain the situation- including the fact that you’ve only been seeing him for a few months and have ended the relationship as he showed some signs of being controlling and unstable. No point in letting any narrative of his creep through and you ending up feeling judged for dumping him!

But you could just as reasonably ignore him completely. He will not lull himself. The manipulation is classic, it’s exactly what he would be expected to do. More clarity- this man doesn’t love/care/respect you, he is simply determined that you WILL take him on as your passenger.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2020 09:47

Kill not lull!

CalmConfident · 27/05/2020 11:31

@FizzyGreenWater and @JudyGemstone approach re 101 sound sensible. Useful also if things get a bit weird later.

Bunnymumy · 27/05/2020 11:49

I think 101 is a good idea. Let them know what's what and leave it up to them. Then block him on everything.

If the police show up to him it will show that you have no trouble calling them to protect yourself. That coupled with you not replying shows that his texts will simply be met with authorities in future should they continue.

But please get him blocked on your phone fast. Even if he does then show up. In which case you call the actual police. And 101 will already at least have note of his behaviour towards you.

Please take this very seriously. 101 asap. And get him blocked.

Bunnymumy · 27/05/2020 11:54

But know that the longer you engage with him, the more he will think your resolve is weak and you can be manipulated into taking him back.

Showing you are not afraid to call the police is always a good move with these sorts. It shows you are not alone. You are protected. Remember, he is a predator after all.

Crikey0000 · 27/05/2020 11:55

How are you doing OP? I hope you're staying calm & strong. Glad you saw sense & are dealing with it. The advice about 101 is good please log it as a concern and get support from your friends & family . You felt it wasn't right, well done for questioning it & asking for advice from MN. Flowers

lockdownmadness · 27/05/2020 11:59

Hope you're doing ok OP. I've been thinking about you.

Bunnymumy · 27/05/2020 12:05

Hope op hasn't gone to meet him. Eek.

Fleamaker123 · 27/05/2020 12:56

You've told him it's finished... Stick to your guns.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/05/2020 13:03

If OP calls 101 and they do a 'welfare check' it will give him the belief that she cares and likely lead to more texts/harassment.
She needs to develop a more 'if you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet? approach.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/05/2020 13:09

Threat of suicide today? Call the police to do a welfare check

This ^^ With any luck they'll give him a complete roasting for wasting their time

Give him his due though - he's even more determined to get his hands on that house than anyone suspected

Bunnymumy · 27/05/2020 13:17

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

No it wont. It will show him she wont respond herself - but will have the authorities deal with his nonsense. Coupled with blocking all contact, it is her best course of action.

I dont think you understand how resolute these sorts are. If she were to text him along the lines of 'go ahead' not only would that be responding but it would give him the opportunity to claim to have taken tablets or some other shit. Perhaps even inflict superficial wounds on himself. Replying herself in any way us the green light to him to carry on.

101 are there for this very situation. Please do not discourage op from reaching out for such support. Considering the way this means behaviour is escalating, it would be wise for op to let them know anyway.

Bunnymumy · 27/05/2020 13:18

*mans behaviour

Bunnymumy · 27/05/2020 13:32

Lol just caught your post title again 'really lovely man...' jeez how the tinted glasses have fallen off now huh xD

Make sure to tell 101 everything if you do ring them. Like that you were only dating 3 months and that you feel harassed. Then they will know it isnt just a case of a welfare check but that he also needs told to back off.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/05/2020 13:51

I wasn't suggesting for one minute she should text 'go ahead' Hmm
I've maintained disengagement on every level.
And as for not understanding how resolute these sorts are?
You know feck all about me.

Bunnymumy · 27/05/2020 14:00

Ok. Cool. Just dont put her off seeking help. If you know these sorts well im sure know she may need all the help she can get getting rid of him.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 27/05/2020 15:44

Well after the flurry first thing this morning his last text was to say he realised our relationship was over but he wanted to remain friends. I just sent a text that I won’t be replying to anything as I’m working today.It’s been suspiciously quiet. I haven’t contacted the police - yet - not his friends as i had blocked him - was going to unblock to find them but it says I wouldn’t be able to block again for 48 hrs or something. And I’m not having him post stuff online. I am either expecting it all to restart later, or that he turns up.
I do appreciate all your support, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 27/05/2020 15:49

Initial tactics failed. New tactics being tried. Being friends keeps your house in his world, oops I meant keep you in his world.

CocoR · 27/05/2020 16:03

Fucking hell OP, lucky escape!

How long did you say you'd been seeing him?

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