How much does your DH do? Am I asking too much?

[Tiredmummy2020]

Before lockdown, husband works 5 night shifts a week, I work part time school hours. So I do drops offs, work, pick ups, homework dinner clean up baths stories laundry cooking etc on a daily basis. Husband works Wednesday-Sunday so I spend all weekends alone with dc, food shopping, visiting family, activities etc. I was feeling burnt out. But his day is work 8pm-6am, come home sleep then up and study for a work related course he is doing, then he makes a snack for himself, exercises, watch news, talk to work friends on the phone about work and his course. Then work again. On his two days off he does load the dishwasher those two days and since lockdown on those two days takes the kids on an hour bike ride. I should feel less tired since lockdown as I have been furloughed (he hasn’t) but I feel overwhelmed doing everything by myself with no adult contact, spending all day with the kids then evenings alone while he is at work. On his two nights off we do watch a movie together once I have put the kids in bed. I feel bad to ask anything more of him as he works for the nhs (not front line but still has to wear a mask all shift which I know is hard). I just feel lonely, tired and at breaking point but feel guilty for feeling like that. I hate him working nights but he prefers it. One for money and one because their is less patient work to do in the area he works. I just feel like I parent alone. But maybe that’s justifiable considering his working hours?

Tired mummy here too.
I'm not going to tell you whether DH should or should not be doing more as we are in a similar position, and don't feel like we have the balance of jobs quite right either.
What I will say though is where you say he prefers to work nights - this surely needs to be a family/ team decision.
Great so he brings in more money, but it sounds like you have next to no family time together, and you're probably both burnt out by that time anyway! Maybe time to look at other job options once lockdown is over- then hopefully he will have more time to help you with general family life, it's exhausting and lonely to do it alone.

We’ve had that discussion about not working nights but he doesn’t want to cut back on expenses. He has a fancy car, spends on takeaways etc, I think we could cut back but he handles the finances and says we can’t. He said maybe in a few years. But it’s been 11 years like this now with night shifts. Since the oldest was born. But I feel I’m ungrateful and asking too much. But I’m lonely 😞

no you are not asking too much

Does he know you're lonely? I don't think working partners necessarily know the loneliness of just having the DC to talk to all day, or the boredom of sitting alone in the evening while they're at work.
It is nice to have a nice car, spending money etc but surely family time is worth 1000x more! I bet your kids would rather he were home more and couldn't give a monkeys about what the family car is or having to have a few less takeaways. In which case is the extra money your DH earns for the good of the family? Or just himself.

My husband works slightly more than yours so he does 6 to 6 monday to friday and also some Saturdays.

He turns the dishwasher on every night and unload every morning which yours could do it you just swap the timings of turning on and unloading that's what he does every day.

If he sees washing needs doing then he will put a load on and put clothes away he will also wash the shower every now and then.
He will also vacuum every now and then and empty all the bins and do the rubbish.

I think that's fair, he could still do more as I have all of the school on me having to remember every little thing about school is so much remembering the £1s for this and that and making sure uniform is ready.

The main household chores fall to me and dinner and the kids etc but he will cook on a Saturday if it's his weekend off.

I've also had the conversation about all pick ups etc would yours do pick ups on his days off?

The car is his I have my own which I pay for and the takeaways are his so it’s to benefit him

I can ask him to do extra things but he seems resentful and will do them for a bit then stop. Like the bins, it will last a week then he will ask me to do them as he said I have more free time than he does. I don’t feel I do though but he said I don’t manage my time properly. Maybe I don’t but I think I’m depressed from spending so much time alone. Maybe I would be more productive if I didn’t feel so down

2020hello wow they are really long hours. You must have a lot of alone time?

How do finances work? You seem to lead separate lives apart from the fact you do all the housework and childcare.

What is his part of the relationship other than doing his own thing

I’m wondering if I’m just being negative and selfish but I just feel his life is so separate from the rest of the family. He even takes the dinner I cook to work with him in a tub as he likes to go jogging at the time I cook dinner and said he prefers to eat later at work. But I feel sad eating alone with the kids every night

Why does he handle the finances? Why not both of you so you can see exactly where your money is going and whether the extra money from nights is worth it. From what you've said it's being spent on unnecessary items at a great cost to you.

quartz2208 he pays mortgage, utility bills, food, his car phone etc. I pay for my car and phone and anything the dc need, clothes, shoes, activities, days out, school stuff, birthday and Xmas presents for dc and family and friends. He prefers it like that he doesn’t want to pool resources. We tried it before but he didn’t like me buying anything for the kids. Used to say we can’t afford for them to have swimming lessons etc

It seems like he has used his shift pattern as an excuse to carve out a completely separate life for himself. I would not be happy.

If he starts work at 8pm, what time does he get up? Surely there is plenty of time for him to contribute? Plenty of posters say shift work is pretty grueling so I accept some slack should be afforded but he has run off with the rope.

Yes exactly he pays for all the things that benefit him and nothing else.

He is spending money on stuff he wont but not swimming lessons for his children.

Your posts are littered he he prefers/he said/benefits him.

Everything benefits him doesnt it. He basically gets to do what he wants, spend what he wants and live the single life apart from having you to do all the housework. His life is separate to yours. This isnt a relationship OP and it certainly isnt equal

He’s leading a single life really

There are more issues here than him doing more grunt work.

He's controlling the money. He's choosing to work a shift pattern that suits him, benefits him and leaves you lonely, burnt out and unable to say anything about it.

It's like he doesn't have kids isn't it?

Do you like being married to him?

I think it's time to start thinking about your life your quality of life and where you want to be in a year, 3 years and five years.

Doesn't sound like a marriage or family life to me.

He does what he wants when he wants regardless of what anyone else would like... you don't even have an oversight of whether you have equal spending money!

Came on to say what @lovinglola said
He is living a single life. And appears to have no interest in changing that.

Work out what you want and how you think it can be achieved. Take notes (I feel like he bamboozles you any time you try to talk to him so noted might make sure you remember everything) then talk to him. But remember if nothing changes then nothing changes.
You need to consider whether an ultimatum is required and be prepared to follow through. Would counselling help??

Ps at the very least he should be eating dinner with you.
You’re a family not a maid service. That is really disrespectful and shitty

I have thought about separating but feel guilty for taking the kids away from living with him everyday. And also worried I’ll be even more lonely. At the moment I see him two evening a week after I put the kids to bed. The other days it’s a quick hello in the morning, he wakes at 3pm while I’m picking the kids up after my job, when we get back he is usually on the phone to his work friend while doing his online course. 5pm he does he exercise video while I cook dinner and while me and the kids eat he goes jogging. Then while I’m cleaning up he does some gardening which he enjoys he is very garden proud and it does look nice, he said that’s his destress time. Then he watches the news or goes on the computer selling some of his bits on eBay while I do bath and stories for the kids. Then once they are in bed he has a quick shower and goes to work. And I sit and watch Netflix all evening by myself. Or sometimes text friends

He is also grumpy the physical side of our relationship has been pretty non existent for a couple of years now but I just don’t feel loved. He said he loves me so much but I just can’t feel it. I know if I put the effort in we could be closer. But by the time it’s his two nights off work I’m not really bothered about spending time together as I feel so resentful

rainbowqueen yes he does bamboozle me. I will say maybe we should do this and there’s always a reason we can’t. I said I would work full time but he said it still wouldn’t be enough for him to stop nights. I have noticed he is in a lot of debt, most from his car loan but some is things like new washing machines etc so he says it’s from family stuff. But I don’t think a lot of it is, I’m so confused

He barely interacts with the children so what are you taking him away from

I think you will feel less lonely actually because you arent expecting him to be there

He has done some online gambling in the past. I don’t think that is still going on though or if it is it’s small amounts like £5 a week on football. But a few years ago I think he lost a lot, about £12000 but he paid it all back by selling things on eBay he set himself a little business up on there which also takes up some of his time

Things do not feel right but when I question them I am made to feel ungrateful as I only work 25 hours a week on a low wage