How much does your DH do? Am I asking too much?

[Tiredmummy2020]

Before lockdown, husband works 5 night shifts a week, I work part time school hours. So I do drops offs, work, pick ups, homework dinner clean up baths stories laundry cooking etc on a daily basis. Husband works Wednesday-Sunday so I spend all weekends alone with dc, food shopping, visiting family, activities etc. I was feeling burnt out. But his day is work 8pm-6am, come home sleep then up and study for a work related course he is doing, then he makes a snack for himself, exercises, watch news, talk to work friends on the phone about work and his course. Then work again. On his two days off he does load the dishwasher those two days and since lockdown on those two days takes the kids on an hour bike ride. I should feel less tired since lockdown as I have been furloughed (he hasn’t) but I feel overwhelmed doing everything by myself with no adult contact, spending all day with the kids then evenings alone while he is at work. On his two nights off we do watch a movie together once I have put the kids in bed. I feel bad to ask anything more of him as he works for the nhs (not front line but still has to wear a mask all shift which I know is hard). I just feel lonely, tired and at breaking point but feel guilty for feeling like that. I hate him working nights but he prefers it. One for money and one because their is less patient work to do in the area he works. I just feel like I parent alone. But maybe that’s justifiable considering his working hours?

The bike ride twice a week is a new thing since lockdown. He has missed some sessions of it too and said ask mummy but I said no I’m cooking dinner. But it feels like a big thing as usually we don’t do anything together as a family of 4.

Apart from his time - he isnt offering you that.

What he is offering you sounds like a job contract - you get accommodation and a holiday because that is how he sees you

Never had a holiday but I have a husband that parents the DC as much as I do and does his share of "wifework" including the mental load.

Your life sounds like a guilded cage and miserable tbh.

Can you start teaching children to cook one or two meals per week

Why isn't your DH doing more cooking, cleaning, chores, interaction with children

Lazy !

Your daughter's reaction speak volumes a out your family life.

You don't have one.

Sounds like you're being financially abused too.

But I bet you’d rather forgo the holiday if it meant he was present in your lives.

Basically, he works so as far as he’s concerned that’s his job, everything else is yours. He’s totally selfish. Just think about the example he’s setting to your children, you don’t want them role modelling his behaviour.

I work shifts, I’m a nurse. My DH also has a stressful clinical role. He’s currently cooking a BBQ after having a game of hide and seek with the DC and I, and hanging out the washing. Because, stuff needs doing and the kids need entertaining.

Yes I don’t care about having a holiday I’ve told him that before. But he said he needs one because he works so hard. And it’s always an expensive holiday he picks

Yes that’s exactly it! Because he work he thinks everything else is my job!! I said I work too but he said only 25 hours and I should try working full time night shifts

Offer to swap...

He wouldn't because he would have to sacrifice so much more than you...

Look up DARVO.... he does this every time you try to discuss it.

He could work days and have a cheaper holiday but he isn't interested in that is he? He wants the flash car, flash holiday, do what he wants when he wants all justified by his choice of working nights...

He offers to swap with me. He said he would love it. But that I wouldn’t get a high enough paying job

Yes he uses working nights to justify everything

He's horrible!!!

Get rid of his flash car and holiday, him working 25hours per week and you might shifts it would be enough.

Honestly leave and find someone that wants to be in partnership with you. They will probably be more involved with your DC through choice than their own father.

My MIL worked night shifts as an NHS nurse while her 3 DC were small - she came home from work, woke her DC, fed them, dressed them, got them to school. She had a nap. Woke up, did the house work, got changed and went to work.

DFIL cooked dinner for himself and the DC. When DMIL was not working (ie at the weekends) she cooked one day, they ate out the other.

They shared housework and cooking but mostly, she did loads more than your DH does. Also, she was the main earner. DFIL was a farmer.

So, you are not being U. Your DH is lazy and has opted out of family life. I also note that this job coincided with the birth of your first DC - so he has opted out of all childcare for his DC their whole life. And he works 40 hours a week; you work 25. You also do everything else while he swans about sleeping, doing workouts and chatting to friends - I also note that his days off are days your DC are in school!!!!!!! He really does not want a family. You would not be breaking up your family - he is not part of it.

Teach your DD to value herself - leave him before she believes that this is all she can aspire to in a relationship.

I can't get over the fact of how guilty you feel, when you do literally everything for your kids and he does nothing. He doesn't feel guilty does he? Honestly OP, you haven't ruined anything. He is quite happy to stand by while you do everything. What have you done for yourself recently? It sounds like everything he ever does is only for himself. Why doesn't he sell his nice flashy car instead of taking a huge loan and then saying he can't afford to give the kids swimming lessons. That is ridiculous and selfish.

My household works shifts

We share the work load equally

The time to have sorted this out, sounds like 10+ years ago, not now

You need to think what you want
Demand some changes
If no changes occur, plan B

LJ25 I don’t know why I feel so guilty. I was just watching him mow the lawn while I was doing the laundry and felt he does do stuff. He does the garden. But then again he won’t have kids toys like a trampoline in the garden because it will ruin the grass his pride and joy. So really he is not doing the lawn for us, it’s because he wants it to look nice. I hate how I feel sorry for him because I feel badly about him. It’s like I just feel guilty all the time! I’ve had a few attempts at leaving over the years but all it takes in one small action and I stay. Like last time I wanted to leave it was snowing so he took the kids out to build a snowman. And the time before that we were on holiday and he taught the youngest to swim. But he only makes an effort if I say I’m fed up or that I wave to leave

But your job is 24/7.

Stop feeling sorry for him, do you think he in any way feels sorry for you?

And don’t forget, night shifts are his choice.

He sounds even more miserly and miserable... DC aren't allow to have toys etc in case the lawn gets spoiled!!!

Your poor DC garden obstacle courses with the hose pipe are a rite of passage if you have lawn...

No wonder your DD wants you to leave OP he sounds a horibly oppressive father as well

Your children will be happier if you go - imagine the joy of letting them have a trampoline

I think I find it hard because we have been together 22 years, he was my first boyfriend. He used to be lovely, perfect even, and then all his empathy seemed to disappear. Things were awful when the girls were babies my life felt so hard. I’ve re read my messages as if someone else wrote them and the whole thing just sounds so sad. He doesn’t even realise he doesn’t do much with the DC, I’ve challenged him before and he said I hurt his feelings for calling him a rubbish dad and it’s something so hurtful he can never forget. I didn’t use the words rubbish dad just that he doesn’t do anything with the kids and that my dad used to do things with us

Clearly the truth hurts... but it is the truth and it sounds miserable. The resentment of doing everything will kill the love for him soon enough.

Remember he is choosing his flashy cars and holidays over spending time with his family... his priority is him and what he values. It is very sad and you have told him the issue and he chooses to ignore it DARVO...

My DH; cooks every meal, does all the crafty stuff with the kids including baking, vacuums, bins, constant DIY and the food shopping. He works three days a week, I'm full time. I try to give him more time on the weekends in recognition that he does most of the domestic chores. I do the bathrooms and laundry and we take it in turns for a lie in.

Good god! He wants it all his own way doesn’t he?

He does fuck all around the house, makes no effort whatsoever with your relationship, controls the finances and expects you to uncomplainingly do almost all the parenting, almost all the graft, be ignored and neglected in your relationship, not to query the finances and provide sex when he wants?! Fuck that!

He’s treating you like “the help” he’s shagging!

Stop being so passive and so accepting.

I’ve been single for most of the last 17 years I’ve certainly not lived with a partner/spouse but I can assure you it’s a lot more lonely being in a shit relationship than it is being single.

He can SAY he loves you all he wants it’s meaningless if he doesn’t ACT it - love is a verb, trite but true

Prepare yourself and then time for a serious talk!

And even then I think you’ll find as before things don’t change permanently or even long term.

But... you could try

Insisting finances are managed and overseen jointly - as you’re married all savings AND DEBT are attributed to both of you. You need to know what state your finances are really in. Frankly if I were you I’d be doing a credit check on him but quick! He also needs told he is half responsible for the kids finances and that’s not just basics like food!

Negotiating a fairer division of labour. Ok you work part time, he’s full time (for now) but he shouldn’t get away with doing as little as he is! He could certainly have daily tasks of his own that fit in with his hours and tasks that take longer to do on his days off FROM WORK - they are NOT days off from being a husband and father!

He needs to make MUCH more effort with your relationship and his relationships with the dc. Spending real quality time with you all and you individually daily, taking an active interest in your daily lives. That is what a decent husband and father does!

Also seems to me his “in a few years time I can work days” will be very nicely timed just as the kids will be in his eyes grown up and not needing anything. Funny that!

“he said everything he does is for the family” bollocks! He sounds like a narcissistic twat!

He gets up at 1pm that’s 6 other hours he could be taking dc for a walk/bike ride when suits THEM!

However, quite honestly I don’t see this guy changing. He doesn’t love you, I’d be questioning whether he even loves the kids!

He’s only interested in how being a husband and father (by appearance) benefits him. It makes him appear respectable (helpful at work as well as in terms of social status), he gets to live in a clean, tidy, comfortable home he barely has to lift a finger in, sleep in a clean comfortable bed and have your and the kids companionship when he chooses - but not when he doesn’t!

I’m guessing you’ve ended up needing therapy because you’re bottling all your justified resentment up -
That’s not remotely healthy either for you to do OR for the kids to see.

I think you also need to prepare for splitting from him - financially.

As for your child’s comment on the marriage - that says it all really!

Completely heartbreaking to read he only bothers with the dc when made to and is an oppressive and selfish father.

What a pathetic wanker. he said I hurt his feelings for calling him a rubbish dad and it’s something so hurtful he can never forget.
Oh doesnt like the truth does he? If it hurts his feelings suggest he makes himself feel better by ... choosing to parent. Instead he just guilts you into leaving him alone. Next time you have the conversation tell him op, you are a shit dad and I’m sick of watching it, I’m sick of pretending you do more than fuck all with them.