How much does your DH do? Am I asking too much?

[Tiredmummy2020]

Before lockdown, husband works 5 night shifts a week, I work part time school hours. So I do drops offs, work, pick ups, homework dinner clean up baths stories laundry cooking etc on a daily basis. Husband works Wednesday-Sunday so I spend all weekends alone with dc, food shopping, visiting family, activities etc. I was feeling burnt out. But his day is work 8pm-6am, come home sleep then up and study for a work related course he is doing, then he makes a snack for himself, exercises, watch news, talk to work friends on the phone about work and his course. Then work again. On his two days off he does load the dishwasher those two days and since lockdown on those two days takes the kids on an hour bike ride. I should feel less tired since lockdown as I have been furloughed (he hasn’t) but I feel overwhelmed doing everything by myself with no adult contact, spending all day with the kids then evenings alone while he is at work. On his two nights off we do watch a movie together once I have put the kids in bed. I feel bad to ask anything more of him as he works for the nhs (not front line but still has to wear a mask all shift which I know is hard). I just feel lonely, tired and at breaking point but feel guilty for feeling like that. I hate him working nights but he prefers it. One for money and one because their is less patient work to do in the area he works. I just feel like I parent alone. But maybe that’s justifiable considering his working hours?

He is completely taking the piss!!!! He has 2 weekdays off to study why is he not spending time with the DC when they are home from school????

Oh because HE DOESN'T WANT TO!!! He would rather study or exercise than spend time with his family!

If you were on your own you invite friends over or get babysittters. Why don't you do that currently?

Sounds like he’s all ‘me me’
Whereas you are all about family and him.

Have you added up how much things actually cost you and how much they actually cost him? I’m wondering if he’s spending money on the car for example that could be better accounted for if he worked day or back shifts and pulled in less money. He’s choosing to work this way as he likes it and to hell with the rest of you all.
Also add up how many hours you work on housework and homeschooling etc. You may find you’re doing 12 hour shifts every day running around after dc etc.

Women are under appreciated as we are not good at blowing our own trumpet.

I think he’s needing to share info with you about finances and you need to make decisions together. Not he fancies a nice car and extra money from night shifts so suck it up the rest of you that don’t want that. Oh and you kids can just drown if you fall in a river if you can’t swim....

quartz2208 that is what I am afraid of, as his time with them is basically just being in the same house with them. He will sometimes get them to join in with the gardening or watch a bit of tv with them. And he talks to them when they come into the kitchen where he sits to do his work course

It sounds like he's opting out of parenting and family life OP. Does he spend any time with the kids other than the bike ride?

randommess I think I feel guilty to get babysitters so I can go out at night at the weekends as it’s like I’m having a jolly while he’s working. I have occasionally had a friend round but they are busy with their husbands usually. And I always refuse babysitters on his two nights off that he’s suggested as it’s a Monday and Tuesday and I don’t want to go out with him on those nights because they are school nights and I have work in the morning and I’m already tired. It just feels like our schedules don’t match. But when I talk to him about it he said In a few years once he’s finished his course it will be different he can afford to work some day shifts (night shifts pay more) but I don’t know if I can hold out that long and part of me is sceptical this will even materialise

mmsnet101 I am doing councelling and the councillor said he sounds like he has opted out of family life. I said this to him so he has initiated two family walks this week, but they are at 7pm on his nights off so not the best time as then I’m still putting the kids to bed and I haven’t finished until 9.30pm, usually that are I’m bed at 8pm. But maybe I should be more flexible and not mind this as at least we are spending time together and it was really nice

Why do you think your needs are so unimportant???

He is perusing his interests and hobbies and socialises on the phone with his work mates, for some reason you don't think you deserve to do the same?

Why do the walls need to be at 7pm??? If he is off 2 weekdays then they can be family time at anytime - it's insane!!!

eliza it does feel like it’s all me me me. But he said everything he does is for the family and that’s why he works so hard. So I feel guilty and Feel like crying then because I feel like I must be so ungrateful and he’s working so hard. And I know his job is probably hard I can’t imagine working nights in a clinical setting. But I can’t help how I feel being lonely and exhausted etc

He can only do that because you are carrying everything else, you work hard too for the family but don't carve out space and time for yourself... working nights doesn't excuse him from doing his share of parenting and housework etc.

You should have equal free time and equal spending money for yourselves...

randommess I think the walks are at 7pm because that fits into his schedule. Even on his off days he doesn’t wake up until 1pm as he stays up until about 3am on his nights off he said it’s hard to adjust from nightshift

"I have thought about separating but feel guilty for taking the kids away from living with him everyday".

When do your children ever see him anyway; only really on the bike ride he decides to do with them?. They certainly do not see much of him from Wednesday to Sunday do they. He does not feel at all guilty about how he treats them or for that matter you, he seems to have the life he wants and has carved that out for himself deliberately too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this the model you want to be teaching them, I think not.

Exactly 7pm fits HIS schedule, not the DC.

He gets up at 1pm, go for the walk at 2pm then - you know compromise...

He has from 1pm until 8pm to spend with the DC and he can do his own thing after you've give to bed until 3am!

I really don't think his shift pattern is compatible with family life. I'm not surprised you're feeling burnt out. There seems like a bit of time from when he gets up to go to work and when you had to go to work they could be doing family things like sharing a meal or doing batten story time but he's choosing to do his own thing. Also because he doesn't want to share money and seems quite a basic about finances it's like he wants to just do his own thing but wants to become a looked after by a wife is not participating in family life. It also doesn't sound that you're getting a lot out of the relationship. He seems to make him selfish choices not just with how he spends his time but also his finances for example the gambling having an expensive car. I really think you need to re-evaluate the relationship it's way beyond how much he does at home.

We split everything 50/50 (but don’t keep official tabs). I haven’t ironed in years or cut the grass. Washing, we both just do it without thinking. This morning I popped out early to get some shopping, DP was in bed. I got home an hour later to sausages in the oven, a wash on, the bed made, the bins done and burgers defrosting on the side. None of this was discussed or organised, it just comes naturally.
I earn less than DP, probably 12K a year less and therefore pay less into our joint account (by mutual agreement).
Apart from being the nicest person I’ve ever met, I also think a lot of it comes from his mum, my utterly brilliant MIL and how DP was raised.

Sorry second post. . . Thinking about this it kind of reminded me of my dad in he works daytime hours but he just sort himself out exercised quite a lot had his own hobbies and my mum mum did everything in terms of taking care of us and house plus worked. And resonated when I read that you felt like you checked out of family life that's what I felt like with my dad and I feel as an adult that has given me some issues around not feeling good enough because he wasn't interested in being part of my life growing up. So without wanting to make you feel really bad I think you've also got to be aware that depending on the age of your children they're going to start to notice thst Dad doesn't participate in family.

His line that “everything he does is for the family” is clearly bull because he isn’t doing anything for the family - he keeps his money for himself and expects you to pick up 50/50 when you don’t earn close to him as you are looking after the kids. So you need to call him on his bullshit.

He seems to have everything all his way really doesnt he? I appreciate he is doing Night shifts in a difficult setting ,but you are enabling him .Without you to be chief Cook and Bottlewasher ,where would he be ? Why on earth does he not want to spend money on DC FFS! On top of all this your P/T wage has to pay for DC swimming lessons ,your car, and all their clothes /toys! The overwhelming feel to this thread is that you feel lonely and unapprecaited and no bloody wonder! I am not one of these posters who screams LTB! at every small problem ,but I cant see how you are getting anything out of this marriage at all .You are lonely and exhausted and obv this will impact on your sexual interest .Does he come to Counselling with you ? I think he needs to wake up and smell the coffee before its too late! Tell him you cant go on like this and maybe speak to MG together .He is behaving like a single bloke and its just not on!

OP, you poor woman.

You are married to a lazy selfish pig.

He has zero interest in you or your children.

I would be be very very suspicious of his finances.

He sounds like he could we be gambling.

You have a lodger, not a father or a husband.

Your life sounds very hard and lonely.

You deserve better and more.

Wishing you strength.

He does everything for himself. There is not a single selfless action in that list, there is nothing he actively does for you and the children. I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving so he can’t see the children he has zero interest in parenting anyway. At least everyone will know you’re a solo parent then. You need to call his bullshit on the I do it for you. You do nothing for us. You would work anyway without us, and you spend on nothing that’s not for you too. Swimming lessons? Too expensive. Expensive car? Sign me up. If you loved your children you would parent them instead of actively arranging your life to take zero responsibility for them. These are choices you make every day and I’m done pretending to all our friends and family youre actually a dad. You can step up and be a dad when you have your contact time.

I’ve worked night shift so I’m not clueless about it. The dads there loved it. They could get home to give the kids breakfast, and wake up to do bath story and bed with them before work. They weren’t selfish assholes.

His finances situation sounds dodgy and precarious as well. You’d be well off out in every sense.

Wake up and smell the coffee-you're literally being a welcome mat to him and he's wiping his shoes on your forehead! Do you want your children thinking THIS is a normal relationship dynamic to aspire to in their future?

I feel so guilty for my children. My 11 year old has over heard me on FaceTime to my mum, telling her I want to save up and move out. The next day she wrote me a letter saying I don’t want to live with daddy anymore and you can have my pocket money to buy a new house 😞 I feel terrible that I’ve now put that thought into her head by what she overheard

On his two days off he does load the dishwasher those two days

This stood out to me. This (and taking the bins out) is one of those jobs that some men do sometimes and make a big deal out of it. Honestly, dishwashing loading takes minutes at most. Ditto - bins.
I'm single now (and loving it). Dishwasher emptying is done while the kettle is boiling or while something is cooking on the hob. Dishwasher is then loaded as I am going along.
I really don't get why some people make a big deal out of this.
My ex used to - well I loaded/emptied the dishwasher "for you". No - you asshole - "for us", both of us are living here. Also "I take the bins out every week". Big fucking deal.

It sounds to me like your DH has completely checked out of family life. Yes, he works shifts and yes he's studying - but so what??
If he was single he'd have to do the cooking and all the household jobs on top of that.
Single people just have to get on with it - as do single parents.
I really do not see why a man who is a husband and father thinks he can get out of doing anything at all at home and spends a very limited amount of time with his two children. He takes them out for a bike ride for an hour twice a week but you are putting them to bed and then the two of you watch a movie. He should also be part of the bedtime routine.

The next day she wrote me a letter saying I don’t want to live with daddy anymore and you can have my pocket money to buy a new house
Why did she say she doesn't want to live with daddy anymore? I doubt you put that in her head. She probably had thoughts like that before and hearing you mention moving out gave her the impetus to tell you how she was feeling.

I don’t think for a moment you put that thought into her head. She heard you and thought thank god I’m not being horrible and disloyal these are real thoughts mum is having them too!