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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much does your DH do? Am I asking too much?

191 replies

Tiredmummy2020 · 25/05/2020 09:35

Before lockdown, husband works 5 night shifts a week, I work part time school hours. So I do drops offs, work, pick ups, homework dinner clean up baths stories laundry cooking etc on a daily basis. Husband works Wednesday-Sunday so I spend all weekends alone with dc, food shopping, visiting family, activities etc. I was feeling burnt out. But his day is work 8pm-6am, come home sleep then up and study for a work related course he is doing, then he makes a snack for himself, exercises, watch news, talk to work friends on the phone about work and his course. Then work again. On his two days off he does load the dishwasher those two days and since lockdown on those two days takes the kids on an hour bike ride. I should feel less tired since lockdown as I have been furloughed (he hasn’t) but I feel overwhelmed doing everything by myself with no adult contact, spending all day with the kids then evenings alone while he is at work. On his two nights off we do watch a movie together once I have put the kids in bed. I feel bad to ask anything more of him as he works for the nhs (not front line but still has to wear a mask all shift which I know is hard). I just feel lonely, tired and at breaking point but feel guilty for feeling like that. I hate him working nights but he prefers it. One for money and one because their is less patient work to do in the area he works. I just feel like I parent alone. But maybe that’s justifiable considering his working hours?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 27/05/2020 11:59

Your dc will be much better off going to see him for short visits than living full time.
He may step up he may not.
They not tiny they can tell you what happens

Tiredmummy2020 · 27/05/2020 12:15

Well the walk never happened he got called into work for a meeting, he didn’t have to go but he wanted to for the experience. He said we will go this afternoon instead so I’ve told him I have stomach cramps but he can still take the dc.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 27/05/2020 12:23

Well done just keep detaching. Time to ask divorced friends who did ok if they'd recommend their lawyers. Here's a list of info to collect.

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:

Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:

What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

Graphista · 27/05/2020 14:45

@Wallywobbles advice is spot on.

Not all lawyers are created equal my first was useless but 2nd much better

AnnaMagnani · 27/05/2020 16:28

How much time do you think he would really spend with the children if you split up? He spends barely any now.

He might make a big song and dance about 50:50 but your own example shows he'd rather go to an unnecessary meeting than take them on a walk.

Reality would be you would either be bringing them up and him spending v little time with them - a bit like now - or he'd have a massive reality check and actually do some parenting. Either route is better than what he is doing now.

GummyBeear · 27/05/2020 17:15

Everything benefits him doesnt it. He basically gets to do what he wants, spend what he wants and live the single life apart from having you to do all the housework. His life is separate to yours. This isnt a relationship OP and it certainly isnt equal
This, he sounds like a selfish a*

Viviennemary · 27/05/2020 17:21

Its not a very good set up for family life in spite of how nuch it suits your DH. Are you thinking about leaving. It doesn't sound much of a life from what you've said. I don't think it's just a question of how much he helping the house.

Tiredmummy2020 · 27/05/2020 19:19

He took them on a 10k bike ride. They can hardly move their legs now! The youngest has slight mobility issues so really struggled

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 27/05/2020 19:33

So the dc see him for an hour, a couple of days a week? Yanbu. You'd get more time alone and he'd see them more if you divorced.

Working nights for 11 years? That should be a joint decision. Sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

Tiredmummy2020 · 27/05/2020 22:13

Thank you for all the help everyone. I know leaving is the right thing to do. I just need to find the strength somehow. I feel so worn down.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/05/2020 22:18

That’s awful he made them do something that benefitted him and no one else

NaomiFromMilkShake · 27/05/2020 22:32

Remind me again.

How long have you been his housekeeper ?

Oh, you are his wife, well he sure as hell 'aint treating you like an equal partner. Angry

RandomMess · 27/05/2020 22:45

You do it one small step at a time with support from your counsellor, us and your solicitor Thanks

Tiredmummy2020 · 27/05/2020 23:10

randommess thank you 💐 my next councelling session is on Monday, it took me 2 years to get the courage to book a session so I guess I have made the first step. This session will be my 2nd session, I’m hoping it goes well.

OP posts:
freeingNora · 31/05/2020 08:11

@Tiredmummy2020 one day he had a huge rant at the children but lost control I thought he was going to really hurt us so i pushed him out the door and locked it. That was it marriage over after 20 years

I should have left sooner

You can do it just take it a day at a time

freeingNora · 31/05/2020 08:18

Most debt is considered joint however if you have a good enough lawyer there's a good chance you can make sure he takes the full responsibility for the gambling as it was done dishonestly and by stealth.

Dery · 31/05/2020 09:42

Hi OP - You’ve had lots of great advice. Such a shame your parents are so unsupportive. Really shocking in fact. Probably explains why you settled down with your first BF.

Like everyone else - I think leaving this man is best. Don’t be taken in by a few days of nice. It doesn’t make up for all these years of neglect. The fact that your DD wants him gone is very significant - few 11 year olds would say that about a parent. Also you are at huge risk financially because of his gambling habit (which seems to be continuing). But even w/o that, your family life needs a complete shake-up - you don’t want your DC to think this is normal and replicate it for themselves and you are rightly done and need something better for yourself.

Good luck and keep posting here for support.

Elieza · 31/05/2020 12:48

That’s lousy your parents are so selfish. I suppose sometimes old people get like that. I can understand they’d prefer him out but they are trying to take away your options so you have to do it their way like a child and that’s not fair.

Good luck with the counselling. It’s really helped me.

Sorry you’re going through this. Hope the kids legs have recovered from the 10k the wee souls.

RandomMess · 31/05/2020 12:53

I am far from some wonderful mother I have got lots of things wrong and not very close to my DC because I never knew how to be Sad

However I have always told them if the ever need to come back even with kids in tow there will always be space for them and I mean it!! I would hate that my DC were stuck somewhere unhappy and thinking I wouldn't help.

Your parents seem pretty heartless Sad

Tiredmummy2020 · 31/05/2020 18:19

It does confuse me why my parents won’t help Sad

OP posts:
Tiredmummy2020 · 31/05/2020 18:21

I’ve got my next councelling session tomorrow. He’s been off and on all weekend, it feels so weird one minute he is grumpy and distant the next trying to hug me. It just feels like constant backwards and forwards.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/05/2020 18:47

He is probably sending something is up hence making some effort but he can't be tased to keep it up...

Roselilly36 · 31/05/2020 18:53

My DH does a lot, I have a disability, he makes my breakfast, the families lunch & dinner, and is generally (works from home) on hand to help with whatever we need, my DS’ (tweens) do a lot to help too.

ZooKeeper19 · 31/05/2020 22:02

Wait a minute. So an expensive car and takeaway is OK but this -> We tried it before but he didn’t like me buying anything for the kids. Used to say we can’t afford for them to have swimming lessons etc is too much? Sorry but that is not very nice.

Emotional bond within the family, and love of the parents, is what the kids should see. They will take this with them, or not. You being lonely (and rightly feeling that way btw) they can see. Be kind to yourself and the kids and tell him you miss him and want to spend more time with him as well. Worth a try.

Tiredmummy2020 · 02/06/2020 09:37

When we spend more time together I end up wishing I hadn’t bothered to ask him as he is so grumpy with the kids and I don’t have a nice time. Although on occasion it can be nice. But I never know if it will or not

OP posts: