How much does your DH do? Am I asking too much?

[Tiredmummy2020]

Before lockdown, husband works 5 night shifts a week, I work part time school hours. So I do drops offs, work, pick ups, homework dinner clean up baths stories laundry cooking etc on a daily basis. Husband works Wednesday-Sunday so I spend all weekends alone with dc, food shopping, visiting family, activities etc. I was feeling burnt out. But his day is work 8pm-6am, come home sleep then up and study for a work related course he is doing, then he makes a snack for himself, exercises, watch news, talk to work friends on the phone about work and his course. Then work again. On his two days off he does load the dishwasher those two days and since lockdown on those two days takes the kids on an hour bike ride. I should feel less tired since lockdown as I have been furloughed (he hasn’t) but I feel overwhelmed doing everything by myself with no adult contact, spending all day with the kids then evenings alone while he is at work. On his two nights off we do watch a movie together once I have put the kids in bed. I feel bad to ask anything more of him as he works for the nhs (not front line but still has to wear a mask all shift which I know is hard). I just feel lonely, tired and at breaking point but feel guilty for feeling like that. I hate him working nights but he prefers it. One for money and one because their is less patient work to do in the area he works. I just feel like I parent alone. But maybe that’s justifiable considering his working hours?

I’ve found a mortgage statement this afternoon and that all looks ok.

Yes my parents know how bad I feel. In the past I’ve begged them to let me stay even on the sofa. But they said no I should kick him out instead.

helpimfat thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so glad you are happier now. The daddy do not disturb day sounds just like something my other half would do except it would be watching football! He often disappears into the office and shuts the door to relax

Yeah but if he owes say £40k in loans... how much equity do you think there is in the house and how old is the statement?

I would speak to a few solicitors and start divorce proceedings.

What a miserable f*cker that the DC aren't allowed in his lawn!

Oh I didn’t think of that! I think that would wipe out all the equity 😞

What do you say to him when he shouts at the children for running on the grass? You seem so resigned to his behaviour. Nothing is going to change unless you make it.

Your parents do not sound supportive this is probably why you have ended up with such an unsupportive H...

If there is unlikely to be equity in the house then I would seriously consider moving out...

If you separate from him whilst still living there you are entitled to claim UC and got to CMS for
maintenance from him. It means living separately within the house- not sharing a bed, not cooking or washing for him, not buying food as a household etc etc.

Would you parents loan you money so you could move into rented?

You don't interact now so I think starting the divorce whilst living together would make little difference on his days off you could go out and leave the DC in his care...

woolly I pulled him in the kitchen and said that was out of ordered. He said they can run on the green out the front. I said they shouldn’t have to! So he walked off and said come on kids run round out the front it’s bigger out there

When he's next at work in the evening I would be gathering as much financial information as you can... payslips, P45, statements anything and everything.

randommess they are not supportive at all and it upsets me. They won’t even let me put them down as a guarantor so I could rent somewhere. When I mentioned moving out to my mum she said oh that will be such a hassle you will have to move all the kids toys and bedroom furniture

I’ve managed to find last years p45, no wage slips though. And only one bank statement and he has several accounts

Ok well I would speak to
Woman's Aid and ask for solicitor recommendations and see if you can find any other recommendations for those that have a good success rate in divorce abusive men, especially financially and emotionally abusive.

Get your ducks in a row, reach out to friends etc.

It won't ever change so I really think it's divorce - start doing the Freedom Programme on line.

I think the hardest part for me leaving will be the emotional part, because despite what everyone says I feel it’s me in the wrong for feeling like this Like I should be happy and I have no idea why I feel like that it sounds crazy

I think it's likely you have been trained from day 1 to appease others and have had your own feelings and desires invalidated by your parents and then your H...

Like just now he came into the kitchen and said let’s take the kids on a bike ride tomorrow morning and then I feel bad for thinking badly of him because he had said/done something nice.

He's trained you to feel guilty to put him first then the kids, then the house with you coming a very long behind last place.

You need to read up on cycle of abuse - abusers are never always horrible, their victims wouldn't stay if they were.

They time the nice behaviour to reel you back in when they sense you pulling away.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT

Your cons list as far as he's concerned is FAR longer and worse than the pro list!

I will look that up thank you. I just feel like I’m so confused all of the time. I probably sound stupid 😞

I could have written your post op I'm sorry you're going through this

The complete abdication of responsibility is a key component of NPD the control the dictatorship the appearances matter have a good google

Out of the F O G

FB groups divorcing a covert narcissist

This doesn't get better what people like this don't realise is that this kills your love for them you end up trauma bonded

I've been free for over a year now it can be lonely and hard but not as hard and sad as living with someone so empty and devoid of intimacy

freeingnora thank you so much for sharing that with me. Can I ask what made you leave in the end?

I just looked up trauma bond and wow.

It has been suggested to me by a good friend that he could be a narcissist before. He does tick most of the boxes.

You do not sound stupid, you sound abused and manipulated.

My dad is an abusive alcoholic I suspect is a narcissist with a personality disorder.

I've witnessed up close emotional/mental abuse and it's effects. My mother has been subjected to it for almost 50 years, she has no life to speak of and barely knows her own opinion on how she takes her tea!

He's been abusive in every way you can imagine but it's the mental abuse that has definitely done and continues to do the most damage.

Not only to her but to my siblings and I.

So if you won't leave for yourself PLEASE leave for the sake of the dc

That’s the thing I find hardest leaving for the children as I worry about them spending alone time with him. He is notorious for not thinking of their safety and ignoring them, I’m worried about not being there for them when they need me if I leave him. How things are at the moment I feel like I can keep them safe as he shows no interest in doing anything alone with them. But it’s an exhausting and miserable way to leave and it’s taking its toll on me mentally. I have started some councelling I really hope this will be able to help me with this.

*live, not leave

I doubt he will have them often, perhaps not at all...

It's a bit chicken and egg at the moment he ignores them because he can because you are there.

That suggested bike ride. Tell him you're not well and get him to take them on his own?

He uses his job to avoid all responsibilities and grunt work. He clearly doesn't like being a father much. Put both of you out of your misery and move on. Sorry but this is no relationship at all. At lest with EOW his kids would see him more.