Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much does your DH do? Am I asking too much?

191 replies

Tiredmummy2020 · 25/05/2020 09:35

Before lockdown, husband works 5 night shifts a week, I work part time school hours. So I do drops offs, work, pick ups, homework dinner clean up baths stories laundry cooking etc on a daily basis. Husband works Wednesday-Sunday so I spend all weekends alone with dc, food shopping, visiting family, activities etc. I was feeling burnt out. But his day is work 8pm-6am, come home sleep then up and study for a work related course he is doing, then he makes a snack for himself, exercises, watch news, talk to work friends on the phone about work and his course. Then work again. On his two days off he does load the dishwasher those two days and since lockdown on those two days takes the kids on an hour bike ride. I should feel less tired since lockdown as I have been furloughed (he hasn’t) but I feel overwhelmed doing everything by myself with no adult contact, spending all day with the kids then evenings alone while he is at work. On his two nights off we do watch a movie together once I have put the kids in bed. I feel bad to ask anything more of him as he works for the nhs (not front line but still has to wear a mask all shift which I know is hard). I just feel lonely, tired and at breaking point but feel guilty for feeling like that. I hate him working nights but he prefers it. One for money and one because their is less patient work to do in the area he works. I just feel like I parent alone. But maybe that’s justifiable considering his working hours?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 26/05/2020 00:08

I can’t understand why he wouldn’t pick the DC from school (obviously in pre COVID times) and have time with them before going to work or on his days off.

I don’t think he is cut out for family life.

I worry about what you said about gambling. Do you have sight of his bank accounts?

Original poster
Tiredmummy2020 · 26/05/2020 09:59

No I don’t have access to his bank accounts. I did find one account last year though and that’s how I found out he lost £10,000 online gambling in 12 months. When confronted he just said sorry and gave me a hug. The next few days he kept asking why I was in a mood and I said I feel hurt he lost the equivalent of a years wages for me. He said it’s fine because he made the money back buying and selling on eBay to pay it off. Then it was never mentioned again

OP posts:
WoollyMammouth · 26/05/2020 10:01

He literally doesn’t give a shit, OP. He doesn’t even care about losing 10k. His arrogance is astonishing.

ineedaholidaynow · 26/05/2020 10:17

What was he selling on eBay to make up that amount of money?

You do really need to sit down and talk finances. Maybe use lockdown and the virus as an excuse if necessary, saying it is important to know about finances if one of you got really ill etc

RandomMess · 26/05/2020 10:19

How do you even know that he repaid it all or that there isn't more debt...

Gamblers rarely give up without support its a serious addiction, SIL lost her house. I suspect he can't take a reduction in salary as he is up to his eyeballs in secret debt!

RantyAnty · 26/05/2020 10:41

Others have said it well enough. Lazy selfish wanker who makes it 100% about him and guilt trips you if you ask for the smallest thing.

He wakes up at 3pm and has to be at work by 8pm.
There is no reason, none at all, he couldn't do the pickup and then come home and cook dinner for everyone before he goes to work.

I don't know what time you had to be at work but your workday doesn't end. You have to go pick up the kids and you have to cook dinner and do the clean up while he swans around like a king doing whatever he wants.

Another thing you mentioned stood out. He said he likes working nights because there are less patients. It sounds like he likes it because there is less work for him to do on night shift.
Of course, he guilt trips you saying he works sooo very hard nights. He probably doesn't and working nights is his choice.

You have no idea what his finances are which is a bit scary with his gambling problem.

The reason he talks you out of leaving is because he knows he'll have to pay up and he won't get to continue his plush lifestyle, all at your expense.

I would think you would be much happier and much less stressed away from him. It sounds like your DC would too.

billy1966 · 26/05/2020 10:42

10,000 in one year.

He has a serious gambling problem.

Could you do a credit check on him?

I don't think you have even a fraction of the real story.

The one thing you know and are correct about is....he's a truly awful husband and father.

Your 11 year old has him sussed for sure.

Flowers
Original poster
Tiredmummy2020 · 26/05/2020 10:42

randommess I think you are right, I have been suspecting the same that the reason he has to work the nights, including the weekend nights he chooses because they pay a lot more, is that he has secret debt he has to pay off. He got himself in a mess with debt 12 years ago, that’s why he originally worked nights to pay it off, it was supposed to be short term. He paid the original debt off and has gradually built it up again. Last year he was 40k in debt I found his secret spreadsheet. But he said it was from family holidays and household things. It is making me wonder if it is gambling as it’s such a lot of money 😞

OP posts:
WoollyMammouth · 26/05/2020 11:10

You know, instead of acknowledging he’s a shit Dad, he turns the responsibility back to you. How you’ve hurt his feelings. Rather than making an effort to be a parent. He’s all Me Me Me. Total victim complex.

That’s why you feel bad, he makes you feel like that. You’ve been conditioned to.

Original poster
Tiredmummy2020 · 26/05/2020 11:38

I’ve tried to leave before as I feel this life is draining me, but all it had taken is for him to start being nice for a few days and I start to question myself.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 26/05/2020 11:48

The gambling and secret debts make everything much, much worse! I really think you would be better off on your own than with someone like this - he could really drag you down here.

When I left my ex-h the best thing about it was the knowledge that I would be able to make my own decisions from then on.

Give it a try op - I think you will find it very freeing.

RandomMess · 26/05/2020 11:53

I think you need to leave and me prepared for the nasty shock that there is no equity in the house Sad

RandomMess · 26/05/2020 11:54

He is a master manipulator and gaslighter...

Do you have any access to any money at all?

sosickofthisshit · 26/05/2020 11:55

The debt and secretiveness with the finances would be enough for me to tell him to do one. You're a partnership, and have just as much right to family money as he has, and it is family money, not his money. He seems to want to live like he's a single man, so let him. He doesn't value you, or your contribution to your family life

RandomMess · 26/05/2020 12:02

Is your family local? Actually with homeschool you could move in with them for now and start saving, claim CMS get the ball rolling on selling the house.

You need to speak to a solicitor about having a charge on the house and financially separating so he can't keep increasing debts that will be considered marital debts.

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2020 12:07

I'm looking at your description of him saying he does it all for you and the family, as a child of someone who worked permanent nights in the NHS - for the family.

And my experiences as a child couldn't be more different.

In my case it was my DM who was the nightworker. It enabled my DF to work full time outside of the house, and to have wrap around childcare. She got up and spent the afternoons with me, we had loads of quality time together.

My DF and her split the household chores between them, she did less on her days she was tired.

The money was joint money and spent on the house, cheap holidays, a crappy car and my school fees.

Nobody had 1. A gambling habit, 2. A fancy car, 3.Hidden finances, 4. To be told to spend time with me, 5. To be told to spend time together with their spouse

Your counsellor is right, he has arranged his life to do this things he likes and then makes out it is for you and his family. He probably even believes it too.

Graphista · 26/05/2020 13:08

I really don't understand you just accepting that HUGE gambling loss.

I don't for a second believe that he's not still gambling a LOT of money away - is your home mortgaged?

You need to do a credit check on him ASAP and get serious advice from the gambling and debt charities.

I come from a family of addicts inc gambling addiction and it is by far the worst in terms of it not being self limiting and affecting all in the immediate family and sometimes extended family.

A drunk or drug addict will eventually pass out on a binge limiting their binge at least. Not the case with gamblers.

What will it take for you to wake up and smell the coffee? Losing your home? Being unable to even rent as your credit background is shot by HIS actions? So you and dc end up homeless? I have seen this happen.

Houses, cars, security...gone!

The best thing you can do for you and the dc is leave and legally separate from him financially as much as possible (not easy to do when you're married to them) ASAP

Legally it's not HIS debt - it's both of yours! You are also liable.

Don't fall for his "nice act" you know it's bollocks so ignore it! Leave and don't look back and only deal with him insofar as you have to relating to dc and keep that to a minimum.

This is a mess! You are doing dc no favours at all by staying!

Original poster
Tiredmummy2020 · 26/05/2020 13:16

I think he does believe it’s true. He makes me feel Like we are a massive burden on him and he’s doing all this for us

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredmummy2020 · 26/05/2020 13:17

randommess I asked my mum and dad if I can stay with them but they have said no that they don’t have the room. I would love to stay with them and have some support with the kids.

OP posts:
HelpImFat · 26/05/2020 13:35

Tiredmummy2020 This reminds me so much of what my marriage was like. DH was always working or exercising or otherwise emotionally absent. I did persuade him eventually to at least take Saturdays off, thinking we could have family walks etc. But actually he just spent them in his home office. Eventually he messed up one day and didnt cover his tracks and I found out that Saturday 'Dont disturb daddy in the office' day was actually 'daddy looking at porn day. '

However, I am way less lonely now we are divorced, I never get disappointed by him not remotely trying to meet my needs...and he has had to step up with regard to the DCs because he has them solo 2 days a week. We even get on a bit better now, and miracle of miracles, he can now see what a useless unsupportive dick he was Too late for us, but maybe shock tactics coud help you?

crystalize · 26/05/2020 13:47

No wonder he controls the finances. 40 grand debt in a year, wow this is serious, surely you can see that? He could have taken out loans against the house, remortgaged amassing tons more debt in both your names.

Seriously don't waste any more time with this loser. Don't tell him of your plans to go, start seeking legal advice asap. It's a shame your parents wouldn't let you stay there. Do they know how bad you feel?

RandomMess · 26/05/2020 13:53

Well your only options seem to be either to start divorce proceedings now including secret debt and gambling, refusal to do his share of housework and parenting and no priority given to family time, carry on living there in the meantime - if he gets nasty do not hesitate to call the police!

Try to borrow money and move out whilst you divorce.

Please speak to woman's aid - this is a form of financial abuse and they should be able to recommend you a good solicitor and point you to some local help etc

Please don't waste another month with him Thanks

Graphista · 26/05/2020 16:11

I totally agree he's abusive but not just financially (although that's huge!) but also emotionally.

Original poster
Tiredmummy2020 · 26/05/2020 18:30

The kids finally came off their iPads and were running around in the back garden, he came out and told them off and said they would ruin the grass!! So now they are back on their iPads which earlier he told them off for being on. Sigh.

OP posts: