Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

OP don't make the mistake of thinking that because he's in all probability a dodgy cocklodger that it's a reflection on you, that he can't see & appreciate your worth. I imagine most of us here have probably wasted more years than we care to remember trying to "get back" what we thought we had at the start. I recall many painful times I couldn't reconcile how I was being treated with my own estimation of my worth, that if only I could get through to them how wrong on various levels what they were doing was it would all be ok, they were just seeing things wrong for some reason. It took me some time to acknowledge that the problem was them, they neither loved nor respected me even though I was worthy of both, that the initial good times was the false bit, everything after was who & what they really were & what the relationship was. It in no way diminished my sense of self worth but it sure as heck opened my eyes to how devious a great many men can be.

He probably has a wife or partner somewhere if he 'lives in a rucksack'. Bet he has another home.... I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole with that damning list!

Jesus Christ 🤦‍♀️

This threads a wind up or something out of Jeremy Kyld

He’s known you 10 days and given your responses, he knows you well enough to know what you want to hear. He’s already sucked you into ‘I might have found my Mr Right’ fantasy.

YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM! His good standing, reputation and good job are not proof of anything. Single parents, charities etc are known targets for men who are up to no good.

After 10 days he shouldn’t know your kids names, let alone expressing wanting to meet them.

This has so many red flags, I don’t know where to begin. The love bombing, the wanting to meet your kids after knowing you for 10 days, the supposed transparency giving you a deeper ‘sense’ of his character, rushing the relationship by introducing you to friends etc. These behaviours can be implemented to flatter, dazzle and rush you into committing to a man you don’t know.

How do you slow this down? It’s very tricky because he already knows what buttons to press and what your likely responses are. He knows you want to buy into the fantasy.

Please take a big step back and try not to treat everything he tells you as gospel. In the nicest possible way OP, there’s a naivety to your responses to this man which unfortunately makes you an easy target for men with a lees than honourable agenda.

He’s either:

1. looking for somewhere to live (with you)
2. interested in your children (Sorry but the keenness to meet them is a huge concern, coupled with his interest in single mothers)
3. a bored arsehole looking for an easy shag after this and some mind games. Abusive etc

Those are the only 3 outcomes really.

There is no way this is ending well. Just no way.

So if he’s not going to meet your children for ages, you’re still going to be seeing him. Have you not read or understood any of the previous replies?

I'm still processing all this. I'm going to try a few things previous posters have advised. If he agrees to slow down, if he agrees to keep his and my life separate what is the harm in dating?
They are big IFs yes but surely it's worth the try?

Yet another poster walking knowingly into a bad relationship that will damage her and possibly her children. The mind boggles. This has to be a wind up as no one is this stupid. No point to the thread at all OP as you don't want to hear what anyone is saying. Hopefully though there is someone else reading this in a similar situation who will be grateful of the advice and heed all the warnings so that so that she doesn't become a statistic.

@Peppercorn2020

Because you have already lost all control in this RS from the first day you met. Trying to desperately get some control back now is a huge red flag because it’s pretty clear he wants to and is driving the entire relationship and isn’t even considering how you might feel or be thinking so you are going to have to ‘test’ him to find out how he reacts

You shouldn’t have to be doing this at all. And it will not be long before he starts pushing his agenda again, and if he’s a good manipulator you won’t even see it happening because you are so blind to how wrong this all is

The harm in dating is that he is god (I tired to write good... an interesting "mistake") at seducing and you are hopeless at understanding boundaries and how to keep yourself safe.

I said yesterday that I thought this was up. Surely to Christ nobody is falling for this? 🙄

"what is the harm in dating?"

He is an experienced manipulator. You are extremely gullible.
He has an agenda.
You can't see his agenda because you are desperate for male affection and validation.
Until yesterday, you were planning to take your children on a short walk with this stranger.
The fact that you don't see any harm in dating this future-faking, lying, love-bomber means that your threshold for relationships is extremely low and you are desperate for any kind of man.

Sorry but I just want to slap you

The 'harm' is that he has red flags all over him and you are quite staggeringly naive. You are not in control of this situation.

Does his ex know she is his ex?! And how coincidental that Mr Live from a Rucksack meets someone he loves and wants to move in with JUST as he's split up with his friend/ flatmate/ current girlfriend!
He's got Cocklodger running through him like a stick of Blackpool rock....

Is this a wind up?

OP, your in your 40’s? From your posts you come across as a naive teenager/young adult. You seriously need to get a grip and see what’s happening here and take the advice from the other pp’s.

Someone I used to know was exactly like this....could actually be him as the age is right and he has form for “living with his exes” to “help with rent and bills”, and what I mean by that is a cocklodger who leeches off these women. He is also a manipulative, narcissistic, future faking cunt.

This will not end well for you.....BELIEVE me.

The harm is that you will get more and more attached, he will up his game, before you know it he'l be moved in and taken over your life. Your putting not only yourself but also your children at risk....is he really worth it? Are you that desperate for a man? seriously?

I could date a serial killer, say 'whats the harm?' 'He hasnt killed me has he?' Erm no, but he probs will at some point! You get my drift? Find someone safe op, safe to have in not only yours but your childrens life too, this man you have fallen for is not safe. You only have to look at his history to know that

If he agrees to slow down, if he agrees to keep his and my life separate what is the harm in dating?

Ok does this help you understand?

OP - 'I've met a man, he does this, this and this and I feel a bit uneasy but I REALLY want a boyfriend'

Everyone: 'Red flags all over. All of those actions indicate a man who is a bad bet and is not a good person to be dating.'

OP: 'Ok, what if I tell him that I don't like the red flags and could he hide the red flags? Surely that could work?'

OP, what you are SEEING here is a man who is NOT A GOOD OPTION. That is him. That is the clearest, unfiltered picture you will have. He thinks it's good and normal to tell someone he's known for ten days that he loves them. That's HIM. He'll still be that man if you tell him to stop saying that.

In fact, I'm sure that if you tell him to slow down, he will follow it to the letter, because above all, the red flags here indicate that he wants to get in with you asap, however, whatever it takes. He will have his reasons for that. They are likely to be all about his needs and the fact he's seen an easy prospect. They certainly aren't about a nice, normal person getting to know someone and seeing how it goes. He isn't that person. You KNOW that. You can choose to ignore it. If he's the abuser which it seems likely he is, he'll probably be quite adept at keeping things under wraps until he's where he wants to be - probably in your house getting the stuff in that backpack washed for him while he stretches out on the sofa.

You clearly won't listen, so why not try this. Start dropping into conversation how you love your independence, love that he's so independent and see a happy future where you both live separately (because your children come first) but it will be great to have a relationship with a similarly-minded, independent man who won't be wanting anyone to wash his socks! Make sure you tell him that you're hot on it to make sure that your house will be in trust for your kids. That you'd never share finances again... blah blah.

Watch how fast he runs.

They are all right op. I know I said it looks like you are going to have to find out for yourself. But please be aware this is a dangerous situation you are in. Having been there, I wouldn't spend any time doing extra testing to be sure...I'd just run.

A mild incline that something isnt right about someone is enough for me to trust my gut these days. You have that, plus a gazillion people telling you something is up.

They are master manipulators and their sole aim is to take from you. Not necessarily your money or home ext...but your happiness, your stability and your sanity (think of the playground bully, who was always sweet as sugar infront of the teacher - that's who he is).

Go on then op, give it a try, and come back in 6 months and tell us how it went

Another vice telling you this man is a disaster OP. You know what they say, ‘if it looks too good to be true than chances are it probably is.’

All that stuff he’s told you about his past and he’s changed, how can he have changed, he’s not even moved out from his last failed relationship. I bet she doesn’t even know they’ve split up.

No OP, no no no, don’t even give him a chance. Sounds like you’re very vulnerable to a few pretty words, don’t even trust yourself to wait and see. Blokes like this can spot a vulnerable woman a mile off, you’re like chum in the water to them, and they know just what to say to reel you in. Just no. You’ll get hurt or worse and you have DC to consider. Don’t expose them to this clearly dodgy as fuck man.

Well, theres too many red flags waving about with this one that i dont even know where to start!

^^This.

Two of my friends married men just like you’ve described. They’re both divorced now - unfortunately after putting up with many years of emotional and financial abuse.

You deserve better OP.

So today he's cooking an evening meal for his ex (who he flat shares) and watching telly with her as an olive branch as she's grumpy that he's moving on.

This is the last straw for me, I haven't told him yet but I'll be ending things.

I'm gutted.

aka she doesn't know she's an ex