Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

... ...so all the actual red flags weren't enough but him cooking food and hanging out with his 'flatmate', that's where the issue is? xD

I mean I'm glad you've seen sense but surprised that is the bit that's bothered you the most lol.

Yeh I bet either she has no idea she is an 'ex's or he actually was cooking for her to try win back her affections because SHE was the one who dumped HIM.

I certainly couldn't date someone who still lived with an ex. Who supposedly still liked them. That's a circus u couldn't pay me to join lol.

He'l be after sex with her, ex or not.
Sometimes its the smallest things that make ppl see the light, i hope you do end things, you dont owe him anything 10 days in so id just ghost/block tbh.
Please learn from this experience op, learn about red flags, love bombing and tactics men like him use. Read threads on here about abuse. Look at the freedom program. Get some boundaries in place and take a step back from dating until youv worked on your self. Good luck op

@Bunnymumy it's the trust that's not there for me..
Trust he will be faithful
Trust he will be committed
Trust he won't break my heart
...

Thank you x

It's been an exhausting couple of days..I need to take time out and enjoy the lockdown and the kids.

That amount of trust is unrealistic after 10 days.
You really arnt ready for dating op, you need to work on yourself, get your self worth up and not rush into things so fast. Dating is supposed to be fun, take your time to really get to know someone before you commit to them.

Of course it’s not there for you...it’s been 10 days!

She’s not grumpy because he’s moving on...because what? He’s such a loss to her? I doubt it.
Look, this is bullshit...she probably wants him to fuck off out of her house and life so he’s setting up the next cocklodge...hopefully you.

Could be wrong but I bet I’m not.

glad you're ending this OP...

Good decision OP altho surprised like another poster here that it is over the issue of his cooking dinner for his ex & not all the other warning signs or red flags. I thought he had a length of time left yet on his lease so where has he told ex he is moving to..?

About your wishes for trust....you are way way way premature thinking you could feel this level of trust in a relationship of 10 days. Be glad something tipped the balance for you before you were even more used by this man for his own gain. At least you don't have to berate yourself for having slept with him. Please post again when it is ended...altho if you waiver & continue on with him after all advice received then you are in with your eyes wide open & there'll be little sympathy when it ends as all on here predict .

Far too fast!!!! You need to both take your time to get to know each other and look out for red flags the whole time.

Your children should be your priority, don't introduce him to your kids for a few months.

@Peppercorn2020 You have smelled the coffee.

Don't be gutted though.

Just put yourself back to where you were 12 days ago, you were grand then. Have you by any chance read Catherine Gray's The unexpected Joy of being single. It's a better book than you'd expect it to be, I honestly loved it. I was dating somebody when I read it but I loved the book.

lol at him just hiding in plain sight, telling you he's cooking dinner for his xgf / flatmate. Omg.! You will laugh at this, soon.

@Peppercorn2020 When you feel more content with your own right to set the pace and when you feel more content in your own company and less worried about being single... then you will trust yourself

Right now you're worried (rightly) about how can I trust a man.

Give yourself some credit. You KNEW this wasn't right. So that wasn't the issue. The issue was that you didn't feel comfortable setting the pace. You didn't feel comfortable asserting a boundary.

You can trust your own judgement and your judgement is there, what you need to do is get comfortable being on your own and get comfortable assertign a boundary.

You're gutted after 10 days and 5 walks. Yeah ok OP.

This is ringing alarm bells for me. Slow down ! I’d find that kind of full on behaviour from him very suspicious and a turn off. Be cautious.

OP, you’ve had a lot of good advice here.

To be ‘gutted’ after such a short time speaks volumes about how vulnerable you are to creeps.

Have you just come out of a long relationship? Not had many relationships before?

I'm so pleased that you've come to a new realisation about him. This is only your 1st step though. It wouldn't surprise me if he tries to sweet talk you round, after all he's invested 10 whole days of his precious time on you & still needs to sort out where he's going to live. If you let him, he'll wear you down so send a brief text saying you've realised this isn't a relationship for you, good luck etc then block him immediately on everything. Don't look for responses from him, you'll torture yourself & end up convincing yourself that everything is all just the big misunderstanding you'd like it to be but know deep down it isn't.
The 1st time you encounter one of these men is quite a trauma. I know it certainly was for me. Take some time out from dating anyone for now. While you're doing that you could do worse than read through various posts you find on here about men women have allowed into their lives & what a disaster it's been. You'll benefit by coming to understand how some men manipulate, see the common denominators, learn the standard scripts with their own personal touches and just how terrifyingly common it is. You'll also learn that the only way to get a true understanding of someone's character/nature/intentions is time, lots of it.

Please give updates on how you're getting through it. We're world weary been there, done it bought the Tee shirt by & large so we may come across as a bit harsh at times but I believe all our hearts are in the right place & you'll get support rather than be thrown to the wolves all alone.

I think it's natural to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. I experienced this when I was internet dating. The man who lovebombed me, it wasn't just me being stupid, we did really click, there was chemistry, I'm not boring and I'm not ugly so it wasn't ''stupid'' to think that somebody would be interested in me. Obviously it was all too quick and I did learn a lesson, but when you haven't been lovebombed before......... well, you haven't been lovebombed before. Like the OP, in my heart of hearts I knew it was quicker than I was comfortable with but I had a dialogue going on in my head, ''maybe now we're older this is right''. Anyway, he ghosted me after about 6 or 7 weeks!

I wasn't devastated about him, I was just devastated that finding somebody was so hard. That's NATURAL I think.

OP

Yes I'm feel lots of different emotions..
Gutted
Sad
Disappointed
Guilty
Ashamed
The list goes on..

Overall I feel so tired and shattered..can't think straight atm. I'm not going to contact him tonight.
I need to do it when I can just say what I need to say and have a clean break.

Ah pet. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. I was so gutted when this happened to me five years ago.

If you feel tired and shattered, save your energy for yourself.

I think I retreated in to a bit of a frenzy of watching youtube clips about self-esteem, attachment disorders, co-dependency, Self-love deficit disorder, child hood emotional neglect, relationship coaches such as alain robarge, Brianna McWilliams who tells you how to develop a secure attachment style when you're not in a relationship. So much useful info on the internet now I think. One day I emerged from my warren and realised that I honestly didn't care if I was single for ever. That might't be what you want, but I think getting to that point protects you. So nothing bad can happen, and it won't stop good things from happening.

such a good book OP

I'm listening to her other one right now, the extraordinary joy of the ordinary.

@Peppercorn2020 there's an emotion you need to start feeling... Joy at not getting you and your kids into a damaging situation.

@Peppercorn2020 you really shouldn’t be feeling those feelings that you are, especially the gutted, sad and disappointed after 10 days. But that is how a manipulative narcissist can make you feel after so little time. Please take this as a lesson learned for the future

How are things today @Peppercorn2020 ?
You are feeling the loss of the imagined relationship NOT the true one .

I’ve never read anything like this.

Seriously you have been for a few walks with a bloke, known him less than two weeks and he’s declaring he loves you and you’re the one and your reaction was to be happy. Not to run like fuck from the weirdo?

And now you’re all upset and disappointed.

This is all so wrong on so many levels I’m not even sure where to start. He’s a stranger. He’s some random. You don’t know each other.

He works in a position that would have lots of check done on him so I'm not to worried about that

Wow, really.

Thats like me saying I dont have any points on my driving license but I still speed when no-one is looking.

Do you really think if someone has a CRB check when they started a job, say 10 years ago, that every single thing they do in private from that day on will be 'seen'

Hellfire.