Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

face palm

With his 'ex' aye? They're just friends now right? Of course they are. rolls eyes

And he moved in with her and then split up with her within six months of meeting her? Fs op.

These arent red flags, they're a red bloody bunting.

@Bunnymumy they were a couple for 18m.

Ah wait sorry, your wording...maybe he met her further back? Still though op, he is living with another woman.

Ask to go round to his for dinner. If he wont let you meet her, you know they arent over.

Seriously though op so many red flags!

I know mumsnetters tend to be quick to say ltb. But this is not this scenario. 99% chance he is either gonna turn out to be a cocklodger or abusive. I'd bet money on it.

I'm making a list of all your thoughts and advice, so much I have to get my head around.

I agree that my gut made me post here so there is something not right.

Well good luck op!
Keep safe

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites
Said he loves me
He’s keen to meet the kids
Keen to come over for dinner .
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things

Do you understand that he cannot 'love' or 'adore' you after ten days??!?! I find it incomprehensible that a woman in her 40s could type the above with a straight face but then I've met many who would so maybe not.

Love is not just a thing that men say that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. Love is a deep, well founded connection that grows over time and is strengthened through adversity and shared successes. Love is not something anyone can feel after ten days of video chatting.

Any man who declares love 10 days into a new relationship conducted over video and during social distancing while still living with his ex, is an absolute disaster. I’d bet my last tenner on it.

Living with his "ex" eh. If this is real and not a wind up I feel very sorry for your kids, with a mum as far in the clouds as you the poor little sods haven't a hope of coming out the other side unscathed. They are sitting ducks for anyone that could target you to get to them.

He told you he loves you within ten days.

He still lives with his ex.

He has an extremely checkered relationship history with a lot of bad behaviour.

Those three are enough for me to advise you to not take this .any further. You're in way above your neck and need to get out asap.

Just to iterate, I've decided he will be meeting the kids for a long time.

Which means you've decided to continue to be with him. Despite all the advice. Despite all the red flags.

But you don't have a BF.
You've got a stranger who you've never met IRL (unless I've missed that bit) who is already saying he loves you.

Now read all your posts and imagine your daughter (if you have one) or best friend had written it - be honest, what would you tell them?

I was re-reading your posts & notice that you must have met really close to where you live, given the short time you were actually out of the house. Could he have followed you to find out where you live? I'm hoping you haven't actually given him your address at this stage. If he suddenly turns up on your doorstep, with or without flowers & chocolates, when you hopefully slow things down don't let him persuade you that this is some great romantic gesture. It's psycho stalking.
He's already taken you out of circulation on OLD so that you can't meet anyone else that way - far too quickly btw - & will not be prepared to let you get away that easily & may well up his game. I agree with a PP, you have something he needs/wants - probably your roof over his head & your income supporting him.
I'm glad to read that you're taking everything on board & hopefully getting a clearer perspective on it all.

You're an idiot and making this up.

Auch give her a bit more time, op will figure it out. Unfortunately sometimes we have to learn these things ourselves.

Ooh what's that? A sparkly box with a ribbon on it? How marvelous. Oh but wait...theres a strange smell coming off it. Smells a bit like shit. But what a pretty box. It might not be shi....oh wait yeah it is.

xD

Then next time you know not to be enticed by fancy wrapping paper.

"Just to iterate, I've decided he will not be meeting the kids for a long time."

It seems she's figured it out.

Oh god, this is disastrous! He can't adore you after such a short time. He doesn't know you and he's still living with his last girlfriend!

Just accept that lockdown's affected your judgement and get rid of this loser.

You are not being loved and and adored.
You are being GROOMED

Exactly this. Well said, BitOfFun. OP, if you do nothing else, please make a Claire's Law application with your local police. I think you might find out some interesting information.

I'm wondering how often this scenerio is being played out on OLD with chancer men after a nice bit of cocklodging with lonely lone parent women during this strange and anxious time.

*Scenario

Loved and adored after ten days. Fgs.

Op, i bet he suggests moving in with you when his tenancy is up.

@LilyMarshall that would be my guess too. At the very least OP needs a lot of time & a lot of real life situations to find out things like does he drink too much, gamble, do drugs, have a really nasty temper at times, have large debts, expect to not lift a finger around the house, want her DC to defer to him etc. All the kind of things that matter, and not just being able to come out with pleasing but really quite glib things that sound nice.

Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack

And you'll fi d his rucksack charming.

One rucksack per single parent's house. Saves on rent.

As soon as he told you he loved your after 10 days - that's when you run.