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Original poster

Thoughts please..

279 replies

Peppercorn2020 · 24/05/2020 12:54

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppercorn2020 · 24/05/2020 19:14

He has been in this job 4yrs and in this location 4 yrs, he has had 2/3 relationships.

The reason I started feeling uneasy is when he said he's had relationship with mums and then broken off, this made me think of my children and the danger of that happening to me/ us.

Some the replies I read makes me think harder, thank you.

It's hard when you think you are being adored and loved and to think bad of the whole thing or the person who's making you feel amazing.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 24/05/2020 19:18

The thing is op, it isnt normal. I mean he is following the textbook steps of an abuser by the book.

Someone cant love you ten days in anyway. Only an idea of who they think you are. Or who they want you to be, in order to fit into the gf (or victim) shaped hole in their life.

Maybe get a wee doggy, it will love you and make you feel loved. And not screw you over and put your kids in danger.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/05/2020 19:18

OP take as much time as you need... keep talking to him if that makes you happy.. but err on the side of caution all the way... Flowers

Paperchainpopp · 24/05/2020 19:19

@Peppercorn2020 single mothers tend to be vulnerable let’s be honest. Posters here are trying so save you from heartbreak. He’s clearly a creep.

BitOfFun · 24/05/2020 19:23

You are not being loved and and adored.

You are being GROOMED.

Kittykat93 · 24/05/2020 19:28

Ffs op. How much loving and adoring of toy has he managed to do in a week whilst socially distancing? You're living in land cukoo.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't know you.

Kittykat93 · 24/05/2020 19:29

You not toy obviously.

Oct18mummy · 24/05/2020 19:35

Run a mile. Promising you the earth when he doesn’t know you bets he’s doing that to all the women while on lockdown!

chatterbugmegastar · 24/05/2020 19:36

You're mid 40's and you're drawn to a man, to this degree, after TEN DAYS?

Are you mad? Or are you really 14 and you're pretending to be in your 40's?

Monr0e · 24/05/2020 19:36

Sorry OP but he does not love and adore you after 10 days.

And it screams desperation on your part that you actually believe that he does. You have pinned your happiness to a stranger.

Please try and step back for your own and your children's sake.

2 weeks ago you did not know this man, 2 weeks!

MattBerrysHair · 24/05/2020 20:04

Op, I think you need to question why you are so willing to believe the things he is telling you. Logically he can't possibly love you or know that he wants a longterm relationship with you. You must know this, so why are you not more cynical about everything he is saying?

BadgersAreReal · 24/05/2020 20:10

Please just focus on your children. Do not introduce them to every man you meet especially if you only met that man days before.
He sounds like a creep and, yes, you sound naive.

Menora · 24/05/2020 20:13

I know it’s really hard to see when you are in it but I would rather you did that now, than be me all bitter and humiliated further down the line

Firm boundaries are needed immediately. More than what you have stated at all. I don’t think you will break up with him yet so it is futile to tell you to do so - you are addicted to what he is giving you. This is like someone in the street giving away free money. There is always a catch. This is too good to be true. You need to take 10 steps back from him as soon as possible and do not indulge in the faux love fest. Confronting him won’t work - charm is all he knows and he will convince you in the most convincing way. I’m glad you posted here as I think you are in real danger of getting conned, groomed or at best, heartbroken and humiliated

EileenAlanna · 24/05/2020 20:17

This man has you believing he loves you in a caring, adoring, take care of way & he hasn't even had to buy you a cup of coffee yet to reach that stage. This gives you no insight into his handling of & views on finances - an important factor in any relationship.
Try telling him instead of him coming to your home for dinner & be introduced to your children you go to his (alone) & he cooks dinner for you both. This could even be done now during lockdown with the new guidance & still keeping 2m apart. Be sure to give the address to someone you trust & who will ring you while you're there to check that you're ok/give you a good excuse to leave if you're uncomfortable. If nothing else it'll give you the opportunity to check that he does actually live alone.

If you want to wait till the restrictions are over make that dinner at a restaurant, not your home. Once he's over the door you might find he's "unable to tear himself away from you" to ever leave. Like many others here, I've been there too.

Menora · 24/05/2020 20:20

Think of it this way OP

Think of him like a 2nd hand car. You really need one and spend ages looking for one. You find one that you like
The price and the mileage is pretty unbelievable - a real bargain
You turn up to buy it, alone, with your money showing in your hand and it is so clean and lovely. You really want this car. The person selling it doesn’t have all the paperwork but he’s so charming - it belonged to a little old lady... it runs like a dream... it’s everything you need

You buy the car and drive your kids around in it

You eventually find a lot of things wrong with the car, it is making a funny noise and smell. You take it to a garage. You never looked under the bonnet or got it checked and see it’s an absolute mess, a death trap

The seller is long gone with all your money and you are back to where you started

Now if you had been more cautious and sensible, you might not have ended up with this car, and you would never have driven your kids around in it had you known

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 24/05/2020 20:25

He doesnt say all the right things. He says the seductive things that pull you in. He doesnt know after ten days that yi pu raexthe woman he wants to be with. That's a lone. He doesnt love you after ten days ..that's another one.
This is ridiculous. Theres chemistry because hes a flirt. Enjoy it but dont be fooled ...

Ragwort · 24/05/2020 20:26

10 days Shock & you are mid 40s .... I think lockdown has made you go mad .... surely you can see that this is utterly ridiculous.

Sunshinedu · 24/05/2020 20:26

OP, he will ghost you I’m 80% sure if this,speaking as a man I think he’s full of shit if he says all this to you early on.

He’s experience with women,don’t introduce him to the kids.
Trust your gut,you wouldn’t be posting here if you didn’t smell a rat

Craiglang · 24/05/2020 20:33

What reason did he give for calling off his previous relationships?

Techway · 24/05/2020 20:35

It's hard when you think you are being adored and loved and to think bad of the whole thing or the person who's making you feel amazing

This is such a red flag and is the classic idealise phase. The reason it works on you is that he has mastered the ability to charm would be partners. Healthy people don't rush relationships, especially if they are adults. The one thing you know is that he isn't emotionally healthy.

Just be warned, you have something he wants/needs, maybe a place to live. As hard as that sounds it is likely to be his true motive

Itsallpointless · 24/05/2020 20:40

Utter madness! 10 days in, loves you and wants to meet your kids??? Complete bonkers..

You are a tad infatuated OP. Do NOT subject your DC to this manConfused

Herecomestreble1 · 24/05/2020 20:47

Do your friends and family know you've only known your "boyfriend" for 10 days? How can you possibly think you are loved after such a short amount of time? That makes a mockery of the word.

Please don't get sucked in, OP. Be sure to take things very very slowly!

isthismylifenow · 24/05/2020 20:56

That's what abusers do OP. Make you feel amazing and say all the right things to draw you in.

After meeting, what about 5 times for half an hour a time, how can you say he is your bf?

Cool things off and watch the reaction. But prepare yourself for it.

Original poster
Peppercorn2020 · 24/05/2020 21:18

Radon's for calling of relationship-
Get defensive, break up before they break up with you
No love, grown apart
Wrong person

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppercorn2020 · 24/05/2020 21:24

So sorry to drop feed, you are all
making me think a lot. Thank you.

He's currently living in a 2 bed flat, with his ex, they moved in as friends, got together and the spilt up early this year.
He's renewed his tenancy and will have another 4/5m before they have to decide.

OP posts:
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