So upset about this but DH doesn't see the issue

[DJTanner]

I have known I have an onion and garlic intolerance for a few years now. I get lots of horrible symptoms if I eat either of them and over the years the intolerance has got worse. DH doesn't seem to 'get' it and thinks I'm being fussy or awkward. He often says 'oh yeah you don't like onion or garlic do you?' if I check, for example, a menu in a restaurant to see if something is suitable for me to eat.

About a week ago he decided to do a bbq one night and went and bought burgers and sausages for it. He assured me that he'd chosen burgers that had no onion or garlic in and would be fine for me and said he'd checked the ingredients. Just before he cooked I asked to double check the ingredients and he got annoyed with me and said 'I've already TOLD you there's no onion or garlic in them and I double checked before I cooked them and there is no onion or garlic in them'. He also said he'd already put the packaging in the outside bin.

He did the BBQ and, thinking I could trust my husband, I ate a burger. Cue the next day feeling absolutely awful with an upset tummy, aching, tiredness, and other symptoms. I got the packaging out of the bin and saw that the burgers did indeed have onion in them. I told him that I'd checked and that was why I was feeling ill and he was completely un-sorry and didn't really seem bothered at all and just kept saying he'd made a mistake and I should just accept it.

I've now had a week of symptoms and feeling really unwell, including feeling really down as this is also a side effect of the intolerance. He has been totally unsympathetic and if anything seems to think it's funny, even when I've had diarrhoea or stomach cramps.

Would you be upset or am I in the wrong? Like I said, the intolerance affects how I feel mentally for a few days so I feel really down and tearful about it all.

What a cock. As a parent of an child with allergies I think he is a complete dick. If he was so careless with my son he could kill him.

@DJTanner

This is all on your H. He's a nasty bastard. I mean, finding it funny that you were ill? And a general disregard for any illness you might have?

Nah, this bloke is best dumped. His behaviour is coming across as abusive to me, and there are blokes out there who actually care that you have an intolerance and who will help you in making sure you don't eat what you can't eat.

He’s treating OP with absolute contempt. I’m sad for you, @DJTanner and angry on your behalf. You need to extricate yourself from this marriage. Wishing you strength.

Thats horrible, my husband worked out last year he had an issue with onion powder (he can get away with occasional onion in food if we eat out As seems unaltered onion is more of a build up thing over time than the onion powder which he gets ill with straight away). We have totally cut onions out of cooking and we’re extremely careful on checking for onion powder in things (it’s in so much) we also think our 5 year old has this issue. I would never give him something that I know makes him suffer and I always check if it’s something new. You don’t want someone you love to suffer so why would you not do something so quick and simple as checking especially after being asked about it! He sounds horrible

He is a cruel horrible bastard.

It would be bad enough if it was an absentminded error.

He out and out lied and dismissed you.

I’d be gone.

Knowingly giving you food he knows will cause you harm is assault as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry you're going through this. Food intolerances suck.

That is awful!
Dd is coeliac and we basically treat it as if it’s an allergy. When you love someone you care about these things!
I hope you feel better soon.

I feel really sorry for you.
I have IBS and have the same intolerance as you. My DH is very careful about buying anything for us both to eat and checks ingredients as he knows if I eat anything that I can't tolerate, I can have a flare up that lasts for weeks.

Your DH is a cunt

I have to admit I do feel as though he did it on purpose.

Yes, he did. Of course he did - you asked repeatedly, and he lied that he had checked the packaging at the very least, didn't he? But actually I think you know full well he went one further and deliberately bought something with onion in.

Hope this thread has given you some food for thought on how to respond to that.

Abusive, controlling people go batshit over allergies. I think it is the fact that they enjoy, even rely on, the fact that in Their World, your needs are dismissable. Your needs REQUIRE dismissing for Their World to work, even. You are not permitted to be the deciding factor in anything. What you want is deliberately dismissed and the dismissing gives that wonderful feeling of Power Over You to the abuser.

So allergies make them furious - a need of yours, that means they should modify some of their behaviour to meet? Something that other people would pull them up on?! Something officially sanctioned, where even a doctor might say 'Your husband should not have done this'? HOW DARE YOU!

Even if he cannot articulate why, the fact that you have an onion allergy and therefore HE should not buy this food and the deciding factor is YOUR NEEDS will have made him, even subconsciously, furious with you. You need putting in your place. He needs to regain the control here. So he did. You don't get to control what is bought. You should never come first.

It's all of a piece with the dismissing, the doubting the allergy is real - there are LOADS of threads on that, a huge proportion either a. abusive partners or b. less significantly, would-be controlling relatives wanting DESPERATELY to know better than parents when it comes to rules around babies/young children, and sometimes deliberately feeding allergens.

Your husband is horrific.

He either tested you, doesn't care that they did have onion / garlic in, or cocked up buying the right ones and just figured he'd probably get away with it. None of these options is acceptable.

Also can't believe the poster who reckons you should just accept getting ill cos it might be a bit hard on your husband to read a list of ingredients. Good grief.

OP he is an insensitive pig. You know this about him. He will not give any other response than that of an insensitive pig.

At the very least he has proved himself an unkind man. Don’t go through life with someone unkind my your side.

Good grief ! What a bloody Prince he is

If I were you, I'd be waiting a week or two, then cooking him some 'special' chilli ( or whatever he will like) with a fuck load of Senokot tablets crushed up in it ( and don't forget to put the spare toilet rolls somewhere totally silly, like the garage, first !)

When he's doubled up with stomach pains and running to the toilet with diarrhoea every 20 mins, I suggest YOU sit there laughing at HIS pain and discomfort ! And don't forget to say 'get over it !' or whatever it was he said to YOU when the shoe was on the other foot ! PRICK

Hopefully

I'm sorry that you've been ill and yes it was unkind of your "D" H to behave that way.

However to be suffering that severity of symptoms, including low mood for 7 days afterwards from eating onion or garlic does sound quite extreme. Are you under the care of a doctor or having investigations into this? As if you're not, I think your partner could be understood for being slightly credulous as it would seem strange to suffer such a severe and ongoing reaction to certain foods without looking into it further. (As you state it appears to be a self diagnosed intolerance rather than a medically diagnosed allergy). However I do understand that different foods affect people in different ways and yes he is an arse if he knows a food causes you discomfort and gives it to you without your knowledge anyway. x

@Bowerbird5 - yes, partly laziness and partly "this doesn't affect me so I can't be arsed to remember it properly".

Allergies and intolerances are not the same thing.
An intolerance can still have severe effects - coeliac disease is, in effect, an intolerance wherein the intolerance to gluten causes an autoimmune response - it's certainly not an allergy.
Insinuating that a medically diagnosed allergy is the only valid cause for GI disruption is a bit naive.

He is contemptuous of you when you are ill, whether what he did was an accident or not (I don't think it was an accident)

I don't think any relationship can survive once one partner has contempt for the other.

For your own safety, you should consider being the one to end this, OP.

No, that’s not an valid excuse for his behaviour. Whether or not it’s an established and diagnosed medical condition under GP/consultant care is neither here nor there. He has evidence right before his eyes as to how badly it affects OP and he still doesn’t give a shit. He’s either an idiot or a twat, or both; there’s really no other explanation for his actions. He’s not a nice man, and OP needs to get herself away from him.

The fact that you think you might be in the wrong is almost as concerning as the fact that you're in a relationship with a man that doesn't give a shit that he made you ill. You deserve better and you need to believe that.

It's horrible when people do this. My children are cmpi. My mother fed us a meal and assured me there was absolutely no milk. Wouldn't let me check as had already managed to bin the packaging. Unusual for her. My children were so ill for days.

He poisoned you, deliberately.

He has no regard for you at all

Are you under the care of a doctor or having investigations into this? As if you're not, I think your partner could be understood for being slightly credulous as it would seem strange to suffer such a severe and ongoing reaction to certain foods without looking into it further

Is there a treatment for food intolerances other than avoiding the problematic foods? Or are food intolerances symptoms of something else? Because otherwise you are saying she go to a doctor to confirm what she says so that this man will believe her?

@Amicompletelyinsane
It's horrible when people do this. My children are cmpi. My mother fed us a meal and assured me there was absolutely no milk. Wouldn't let me check as had already managed to bin the packaging. Unusual for her. My children were so ill for days.
Did she do this on purpose? If so, It's deeply concerning that your own mother could do this to both you and her grandchildren. Did she think you were being faddy and that she knew best?

I hope that she is, at least, feeling repentant for actions which have had such a negative impact not only on your trust but the health of your children.

How are things between you and your mother now?

How are you doing OP? I hope your, at the VERY least, careless but certainly idiot "D"H has apologised profusely and honestly promised never to do anything like this again?

Sadly, in your situation, it would take away some of the trust I had for someone who behaved as disrespectfully as this. 🌹

Only an arsehole would do this. You're married to an arsehole. Is he an arsehole in other ways too?