So upset about this but DH doesn't see the issue

[DJTanner]

I have known I have an onion and garlic intolerance for a few years now. I get lots of horrible symptoms if I eat either of them and over the years the intolerance has got worse. DH doesn't seem to 'get' it and thinks I'm being fussy or awkward. He often says 'oh yeah you don't like onion or garlic do you?' if I check, for example, a menu in a restaurant to see if something is suitable for me to eat.

About a week ago he decided to do a bbq one night and went and bought burgers and sausages for it. He assured me that he'd chosen burgers that had no onion or garlic in and would be fine for me and said he'd checked the ingredients. Just before he cooked I asked to double check the ingredients and he got annoyed with me and said 'I've already TOLD you there's no onion or garlic in them and I double checked before I cooked them and there is no onion or garlic in them'. He also said he'd already put the packaging in the outside bin.

He did the BBQ and, thinking I could trust my husband, I ate a burger. Cue the next day feeling absolutely awful with an upset tummy, aching, tiredness, and other symptoms. I got the packaging out of the bin and saw that the burgers did indeed have onion in them. I told him that I'd checked and that was why I was feeling ill and he was completely un-sorry and didn't really seem bothered at all and just kept saying he'd made a mistake and I should just accept it.

I've now had a week of symptoms and feeling really unwell, including feeling really down as this is also a side effect of the intolerance. He has been totally unsympathetic and if anything seems to think it's funny, even when I've had diarrhoea or stomach cramps.

Would you be upset or am I in the wrong? Like I said, the intolerance affects how I feel mentally for a few days so I feel really down and tearful about it all.

He’s not a nice man. He’s not loving, not kind and not caring towards you.

You don’t need that in your life from the person who’s supposed to love you.

The person you're married to is supposed to 'have your back' and vice versa, to use a colloquialism. This man does not.

Sounds awful! What nasty thing to do.

I have an allergy and have experienced similar attitudes to this. I experienced the exact opposite as well which was also horrible! By that Immean I once dated a guy who took far too much interest in my allergy. He would bring it up all the time with people, drag the conversation round to it. It was really embarrassing. If we went out for food he would always cause a scene asking to speak to the chef and explain my allergy loudly so everyone in the room knew. We attended a few weddings together and he would message the B&G in advance to request alternative food and wine twice they even left me a plate with my name on it on the buffet table in the evening. I was absolutely mortified! I told him SO many tomes hat I’d rather be just leave it to me, I know what I can and can’t eat and never make a fuss. I would much rather just eat a green salad and forget about it for the evening.

had a quick glance at Tesco, Asda they seem to have onion in all their burgers.

Tesco's finest chuck and brisket burgers don't contain onion or garlic.

I've had one from M&S that was just seasoned with salt also but I can't remember which type it was.

Regardless There's no excuse for what he did, and I'd be considering if I wanted to stay with someone who had so little regard for my health.

It's a bit up thread now, but a pp said this as an onion free alternative-

"Or a packet of mince, salt, pepper, splash of bovril? It's that simple, it really is"

I'm pretty sure bovril has onion powder in it? 🧐

You can't always be totally sure...
I wouldn't overreact at this stage. But I would expect and full apology. And to state firmly that it isn't to happen again

Did he do it on purpose? To see if you were actually intolerant? Pathetic man. That's a really devious and nasty thing to do to anyone let alone your wife.

It doesn’t matter if he did it on purpose, forgot, didn’t think, didn’t
care or whatever. He should care, he should remember.

@DJTanner do you have children with him? Sorry if you’ve already said and I’ve missed it...

@Enko Thanks. We mainly shop at Tesco and I have never found burgers or sausages without onion so thought they were all like that and have ended up making them ourselves. Your list is very helpful.

I'm pretty sure bovril has onion powder in it?

Yes, it does!

He absolutely did in on purpose. It was NOT a mistake as PP said. It was an act of abuse. He threw the packaging away so you wouldn’t see it. When you asked, became defensive and implied you Didn’t trust him (can’t imagine why!). How can you live with someone knowing they don’t believe you and you can’t trust. You will forever have to double check what he’s doing. I was married to someone like this. Totally lacked empathy and contrition about anything he did that hurt me. I eventually left. Relationships like this are untenable.

BTW, burgers are sooo easy make. Check out recipes online and leave out the onions. They take about 20 mins. I make double batches and freeze them.

@mrpumblechook

AllPlayedOut posted that
Tesco's finest chuck and brisket burgers don't contain onion or garlic.

So possible in Tesco too. Like I said it comes down to caring.

Has he got you insured OP? I would be really worried about this especially as he seemed to go to the effort of putting the wrappers in the bin outside!

He sounds horrible. Do you really want to get old with this man? I would see this as the final straw and be making plans that don't include him or his festering BBQ.

Has he got you insured OP? I would be really worried about this

That is a really far stretch even by MN standards.

invalidating you totally.

ON the one hand he INSISTS that you trust him there is no onion or garlic but yet, he hasn't read the label properly and isn't even sorry! HOW ON EARTH could you trust him?

@patricksrum I don't know! these things do happen! It's not an every day of the week scenario granted but still.

This is so unbelievably not ok. Bloody hell I don't have an intolerance at all but I choose not to eat certain things. Dp love him off of his own back will find something that doesnt contain them and come home crowing that he found a new food for me to try. I even told him once I dont expect him to have to be so careful because in my case it's my choice. He looked quizzical and said he didnt understand the basic rule of life is that you can choose what you put into your body and who in fuck argues with that ?

Granted hes not an eloquent man , but my God he is right , who in hell does your dh think he is making a decision about what you out in your body (which he absolutely did given the set of circumstances, throwing the packaging away, throwing a strop and promising you he checked )

I would be looking really hard at this behaviour, it's not ok for him to minimize it (I cant bear people who think their opinion on what affects or goes into your body is remotely relevant ) and the actual incident.

Honestly it would at the very least be a serious discussion and a shot across his bow to say if he ever pulls that stunt again it will be the end .

He’s a nasty bastard, I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t trust.

You know he technically poisoned you right? That it’s technically assault to knowingly give someone something to ingest that will cause them harm?

I wouldn't bother sitting him down and asking why he did it. I doubt he'll admit it.
Like all abusive actions (and that sounds abusive if he did it on purpose, like getting a kick out of it) it doesn't matter why it's the fact he did.

Dont waste your time untangling his motives, he did it and he hurt you and he doesn't seem at all apologetic or caring. That's what is worrying.
It's nasty and spiteful. No trust whatsoever
How you move on from that is up to you OP but please be careful. He'll do it again and I bet he does other stuff too that's within this character.

You can sit down and have all the serious chats your want explaining it to him but really, the fact he found it funny you were ill is a fixed aspect of who he is. You don’t change that part of someone with chats. It’s who they are. It’s comes from a really nasty place. He enjoyed your suffering that he caused. Read that sentence over as many times as it takes for it to sink in. And then imagine a point in your life where you’re incredibly vulnerable and reliant on him for medication, food, bathing etc. This mightn’t be in old age. It could be during pregnancy or childbirth or if you caught covid. Are you scared at that thought? I would be. I’d be afraid of him.

@mrpumblechook I think it's quite hard! Have you found burgers or sausages without onion?

Yes, I have. I am in Australia though.

He is a cruel bastard I'm afraid and he has no respect for you.
My DH has the exact same intolerance as you, plus other FODMAPs. Even a teaspoon of onion makes him ill for days.
It's definitely tricky cooking for low fodmap, but I enjoy looking out and coming up with recipes that are safe for him because I know so much of eating now can feel scary for him because he's been horribly ill afterwards. I love making him nice food that he enjoys and knows is safe to eat. Of course there have been times when I've accidentally put things in that I haven't noticed or didn't realise he couldn't have and I feel terrible!
Your DH just wanted the burgers he wanted and couldn't be bothered to find anything safe for you. It's selfish and mean and he lied to your face about it. He subsequently shows no remorse. I think you deserve a lot better tbh.

"He doesn't see the issue?"

Of course he does. He knows exactly what he's done (and he's either very stupid or very nasty, or possibly both), but it suits him to compound his dreadful behaviour even further by trying to dismiss your concerns; even laughing at your distress and discomfort.

I'm not sure where you can go from here.

Nasty.

I imagine most people would struggle to forgive an extended family member for behaving in this manner and not want to see them again. I couldn't live with someone like this. life is too short ... and he's potentially trying to make it even shorter for you.