So upset about this but DH doesn't see the issue

[DJTanner]

I have known I have an onion and garlic intolerance for a few years now. I get lots of horrible symptoms if I eat either of them and over the years the intolerance has got worse. DH doesn't seem to 'get' it and thinks I'm being fussy or awkward. He often says 'oh yeah you don't like onion or garlic do you?' if I check, for example, a menu in a restaurant to see if something is suitable for me to eat.

About a week ago he decided to do a bbq one night and went and bought burgers and sausages for it. He assured me that he'd chosen burgers that had no onion or garlic in and would be fine for me and said he'd checked the ingredients. Just before he cooked I asked to double check the ingredients and he got annoyed with me and said 'I've already TOLD you there's no onion or garlic in them and I double checked before I cooked them and there is no onion or garlic in them'. He also said he'd already put the packaging in the outside bin.

He did the BBQ and, thinking I could trust my husband, I ate a burger. Cue the next day feeling absolutely awful with an upset tummy, aching, tiredness, and other symptoms. I got the packaging out of the bin and saw that the burgers did indeed have onion in them. I told him that I'd checked and that was why I was feeling ill and he was completely un-sorry and didn't really seem bothered at all and just kept saying he'd made a mistake and I should just accept it.

I've now had a week of symptoms and feeling really unwell, including feeling really down as this is also a side effect of the intolerance. He has been totally unsympathetic and if anything seems to think it's funny, even when I've had diarrhoea or stomach cramps.

Would you be upset or am I in the wrong? Like I said, the intolerance affects how I feel mentally for a few days so I feel really down and tearful about it all.

That's horrible sounds like he.knew there were onions in it for sure. The reason he knew and didn't tell you is a whole other question.

But why did he say he checked when he clearly didn’t

Perhaps he did check and just didn’t care? (“A little bit wont hurt her”, “She’s just making a fuss about nothing” etc)

He probably looked at a couple of packs, saw they all seemed to have onion in, and couldn’t be arsed to look any further so tossed the next one in his basket. He then got home, knew OP would “make a fuss” so hid the evidence in the bin.

OP, he was arrogant, cruel and disrespectful. I’m sorry you were treated so badly by someone who’s supposed to love and care for you.

Good grief! That goes beyond simple neglect into abusive behaviour. This is not kind, loving or respectful.

Gut health and mental health are very much linked.

It's been argued that your gut is a second brain ...

www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-feelings-the-second-brain-in-our-gastrointestinal-systems-excerpt/

I would say that he doesn’t appear to like you very much. Which is horrible to think.

At most charitable he does care a bit, but he cares more about his own tastebuds or time (couldn’t be bothered to check). And displaying no guilt about the reaction that he caused shows such a lack of respect or love. I don’t think I could stay with this person.

Look after yourself OP.,

I don't get the mentality of some people. Just because they don't have it they don't believe it's like poison to some people. I wish your husband would get an intolerance and be fed that food and only then may be understand what it's like. He has treated you with a lack of respect and how can you trust him to cook your food again

That isn't fair. I am allergic to raw alliums and my DH makes sure everything is cooked through, he knows how ill I can be if I eat anything with them
In (although I think it was cemented by the time I accidentally eat some aioli and it ruined the rest of a holiday in Ibiza).

He clearly thinks you are making it up. Not been able to eat onions or garlic without causing diarrhoea is common. My family are very careful not give me any as they don't like the consequences . It's rather unusual to feel ill for a whole week afterwards though.

All shop bought burgers and most sausages have an onion in though in my experience and I find it odd that you didn't know that if you have this problem for years. You need to make burgers yourself and avoid sausages.

"I don't get the mentality of some people. Just because they don't have it they don't believe it's like poison to some people" - bang on @ProudMarys

It's like white people who claim there is no racism any more, or my friends DH (who is not normally stupid) refusing to accept misogyny is still alive and kicking.

Just because something doesn't happen to you personally does not mean it doesn't exist!

I have the same with citrus fruit, even in trace amounts. I do 99 per cent of the cooking/shopping anyway but dh knows to check. He would never lie to me about that.
Really it's a terrible attitude.

Yes, onion and garlic are in lots of things, but it isn't impossible, or hard to find things without them. It also isn't hard to be considerate of someone's intolerances. If he cared he would have spent longer to check the ingredients.

I think it's quite hard! Have you found burgers or sausages without onion?

Oh yes

He definitely tried to “trick” you so he could say you were faking it

He’s a cunt

I think the fact he knew you were intolerant of the Onion/Garlic ,but served them up anyway means he bought them without checking ingriedants .Either 1 Couldnt be bothered! 2 .On offer so he though he would grab a bargain and you would "never notice" How is he generally ti you ? If he is not sorry then that show a lack of care /Attention to me

This is worse than if you baked him a cake full of laxatives and fed it to him.

He abused your trust, he has violated your body and he doesn't take you seriously. It's highly abusive behaviour.

Assuming you don't already have children together, then pregnancy with this man would be torture, you have to cut out all sorts of things because they're not safe for the baby. You will likely have zero sympathy from your H for how pregnancy can affect you. The baby also has to have a different diet for their safety...

LTB

Likely he'll minimise the issue "so you want to ruin the marriage because I made one little mistake, it's not like I insert a dramatic wrongdoing"
He might even lie about blocking your attempts to check the ingredients yourself. His mindset and beliefs won't change.

Stay strong in your own mind.

There was a simple solution if he couldn't find burgers without onion - make a few from mince beef or pork from scratch. They're not difficult - whack some salt and pepper in and mould them into patty shape. Job done!

Most sausages don't contain onions and sausage meat certainly doesn't so he could have just bought some sausage meat and made it into sausage shapes or burger shapes.

And why not just buy a couple of nice chicken breasts or turkey steaks and BBQ them for you instead - bung them in a bun and they're a chicken/turkey burger.

It's not hard with a bit of thought. I do family parties catering for vegetarians, meat eaters and coeliacs. It's not hard!

You also have to ask why he foisted a burger on you - which could have contained onion no matter what he said. Rather than a sausage which normally don't contain onions. If I'd have been doing a BBQ and someone had said no onion, I'd have pointed them towards a sausage in a bun rather than a burger. Very odd behaviour and I agree with the people who said he was testing. He thinks your onion allergy is all in the mind so wanted to say 'feeling all right? Good, because they had onion in it'. Nice man...

I have an intolerance of Chinese food. I think it is the MSG content. The last time I had any was 9 years ago and I still remember the night spent on the toilet. It was horrendous. At my previous job, they were very big on us going out and doing stuff as a team. It was pretty much inevitable that they chose a Chinese place, then complained that I didn't go and I had explained. One time, the manager even said to me, 'you don't have to eat anything but you'll love the karaoke afterwards'. I probably would, as I love to sing, but I still would have had to pay £15 for a meal I couldn't eat just to sing a few songs - and watch my colleagues eating into the bargain.

XH was a bit like this with DD1's allergies. Stupid things like 'can't she have Smarties just this once because its Christmas?' Well, no, mate, because they could kill her just the same on Christmas Day as any other! He wanted to pretend there was nothing 'wrong' with his favourite child and we had some arguments about that, believe me. His family was the same, too. Your DH sounds like a dick.

*I think this was a deliberate test tbh. The way he refused to let you see the packaging - I bet he was hoping you'd not have any symptoms so he'd be able to say "HA, they did have onions in and you didn't even know so now I know you're lying".

It's more than thoughtless/forgetful it's deliberately nasty.*

This

He's a tosser.

Everything everyone else said.

But also, what is he like towards you usually? It is hard to believe that he is a lovely, caring husband and that it's only at BBQ time that he turns into a nasty bastard.

Does he not now see that you actually do have an intolerance to onions and garlic because you didn't even know onions were in the burger but still felt ill the next day? Why can't he just accept that those things don't agree with you and make you feel ill? Bizarre of him. Onions and garlic add a lot of flavour to things so I don't think anyone would pretend it doesn't agree with them. An ex co worker of mine had his belly swell and would sometimes be sick when he ate onions

@DJTanner - I really feel for you - I too am allergic to onions and garlic - give me horrendous gut problems and a funny woozy feeling. However, I find I can tolerate shallots in small quantities such as in cottage pie, as long as they are sweated down until soft. Have you tried them?

Also, re burgers, M&S Best Ever Burgers have no onion in them (I have just checked) and are also really, really nice! Alternatively, I make them with just the steak mince, salt, pepper and an egg to bind and make them into a nice shape without dropping bits!

What a horrible man he is OP. I agree with most of the posters here.

As an aside I suffered badly with IBS for years. Not having onion/garlic/wheat/legumes (my main triggers) was tricky but eliminating then made such a massive difference to my life, health. By eliminating the trigger foods (I did low FODMAP) the pain & discomfort of waiting for a trigger food to slowly make its way through my digestive system became a bad memory.

I eventually got some kefir grains and started making kefir and drinking it regularly. Over about a year it healed my gut. Providing I don't go totally mad I can now tolerate the foods I couldn't previously eat including onions and garlic. Truly life changing

I agree with a pp. He did this on purpose to prove you wrong. And instead of feeling bad he got defensive and tried to minimise what he did and make you feel worse.

I couldn’t be with someone like that.

I think it's quite hard! Have you found burgers or sausages without onion?

Onion Free burgers
Gourmet Kitchen burgers
Waitrose rump Steak Burgers
Essential Waitrose 4 Quarter Pounders 100% British Beef (these are in their frozen section)
Birds Eye 4 100% Beef Quarter Pounders
Birds Eye 2 Chicken Quarter Pounders

Sainsbury
Sainsbury's British Beef Burgers, Taste the Difference x2 340g
Sainsbury's Beef Burgers, Taste the Difference x4 680g

I searched Waitrose/ Sainsbury because this is where I do most of my shopping, I had a quick glance at Tesco, Asda they seem to have onion in all their burgers. Aldi & Lidl I couldn't see ingredients M&S doesn't look like they have their actual food ingredients out either but no food out at all only hampers so maybe a COVID thing.

I struggle with gluten and dairy due to IBS and frankly, you just get used to checking the labels and working it out. I have a friend who is coeliac It would never occur to me to not check the ingredients list. I often hand her the packaging so she can see it for herself.

It's not about it being hard to do. It's about caring enough to do so. Ops DH doesn't seem to care much ...

When you are feeling strong, tell him you want a serious conversation. Ask him calmly why he did it, because you need to understand. Help him untangle what he was thinking- did he disbelieve you and want to prove you wrong, did he think a bit of a stomach ache isn't the end of the world, were the burgers he got cheaper than the others, what was he thinking?

When you get to the bottom of it, you'll know what to do.

He may be pretending to be all casual about it because he can't face up to what he has done. Or he may be casual because he isn't interested in how you feel.