So upset about this but DH doesn't see the issue

[DJTanner]

I have known I have an onion and garlic intolerance for a few years now. I get lots of horrible symptoms if I eat either of them and over the years the intolerance has got worse. DH doesn't seem to 'get' it and thinks I'm being fussy or awkward. He often says 'oh yeah you don't like onion or garlic do you?' if I check, for example, a menu in a restaurant to see if something is suitable for me to eat.

About a week ago he decided to do a bbq one night and went and bought burgers and sausages for it. He assured me that he'd chosen burgers that had no onion or garlic in and would be fine for me and said he'd checked the ingredients. Just before he cooked I asked to double check the ingredients and he got annoyed with me and said 'I've already TOLD you there's no onion or garlic in them and I double checked before I cooked them and there is no onion or garlic in them'. He also said he'd already put the packaging in the outside bin.

He did the BBQ and, thinking I could trust my husband, I ate a burger. Cue the next day feeling absolutely awful with an upset tummy, aching, tiredness, and other symptoms. I got the packaging out of the bin and saw that the burgers did indeed have onion in them. I told him that I'd checked and that was why I was feeling ill and he was completely un-sorry and didn't really seem bothered at all and just kept saying he'd made a mistake and I should just accept it.

I've now had a week of symptoms and feeling really unwell, including feeling really down as this is also a side effect of the intolerance. He has been totally unsympathetic and if anything seems to think it's funny, even when I've had diarrhoea or stomach cramps.

Would you be upset or am I in the wrong? Like I said, the intolerance affects how I feel mentally for a few days so I feel really down and tearful about it all.

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who obviously didn't believe in my gut issues. It's just so disrespectful of me as a person - as if I'm so melodramatic or stupid to not know my own body. And it's pretty clear from what you've said about his previous comments that he doesn't believe you are intolerant/allergic.

Why would you want to be with someone who either thinks you're a lier or an idiot?

@ivfgottostaypositive You realise that onion and/or garlic is in most foods? I don't think he did it deliberately maybe he just didn't read the labels properly considering most of the time the ingredients are in small print and maybe he fancied something nice to eat instead of faffing about searching through 20 different types of burger and sausage?

Yes, onion and garlic are in lots of things, but it isn't impossible, or hard to find things without them. It also isn't hard to be considerate of someone's intolerances. If he cared he would have spent longer to check the ingredients.

I have a fructan intolerance. I cannot eat onion, garlic, mushrooms, wheat without some type of gut reaction. I have IBS and these make it far far worse. If dh knowingly exposed me to anything I would be very angry.

Hopefully op will not dose him with laxatives, as she knows how horrible it can be to have gut issues. As m uch as it would make me angry, I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

@PrimeroseHillAnnie Never heard of a food intolerance affecting your mental health

Gut health and mental health are very much linked.

Is he always so nasty and dismissive of you?
It sounds like he knew what he was doing, this was no "mistake".

My mother tried to get me to taste something I developed a serious allergy to as a adult. Wouldn’t tell me what it was just that I would like it. Luckily my sil realised. I don’t think it was malicious though just thoughtless.

From what you've said, I also believe he did it on purpose. He clearly doesn't believe you about this. Coupled with the general dismissal when you're ill? Don't put yourself through it. You should be able to trust your husband with your health and not have him ignore your discomfort. What's the point of him when you're experiencing the opposite?

I have IBS. This has made me so angry and sad for you. I'm sorry he's an idiot.

I agree. It was deliberate.

He’s nasty.

Make your own burgers going forward and put him on probation. Who needs this?

He'es a fucking arsehole to have done that to you.
He even threw the packaging away so you couldn't check prior to eating it - odds on he thinks you're "putting it on" so was trying to trick you.

I have a similar problem with tomatoes - even the smallest amount will set of bad digestive issues - DH bought duck breasts in some sauce, and as he was cooking them, I said "have they got tomatoes in?"
"No, don't think so" says DH.
It goes on the plate - I'm sniffing it and going "there's tomato in this"
"No, don't think so" says DH.
SO I pulled the packaging out and sure enough, there's tomato purée in the sauce.

"oh I didn't think that would matter" he said.

He pulls this stunt about once every few years on the grounds that I "might have outgrown it by now" - I'm over 50, pretty fucking unlikely at this stage!!

Sorry this has happened to you.
I have an intolerance to dairy now and DH sometimes doesn’t bother to read labels. I have a bad stomach this morning and he cooked the tea last night. Last week I asked him to get a standby soup only to discover later he bought carrot and tomato soups which both contained dairy.
Just thoughtless.

I didn’t know it can affect you mood. I was really teary and out of sorts this week. That would explain it.
I would be tempted to ring GP and ask if he can have a word if I were you. I think he was testing you so I would sit him down for a chat.
I’ll be doing that later with mine.

Thumb yeah they don’t get it do they. It is laziness I think.

He sounds like a knob
He either doesn't think you're really allergic, if that's the right term, or doesn't care. I expect this is part of a pattern of behaviour

I’d say, he thinks you getting the runs isn’t enough of a reason for him to bother searching out onion free burgers?

You really need to spend the day in bed ill, so his actions detrimentally affect him, as much as they affect you.

I have found this thread illuminating I can't eat garlic and have to be careful with onions my dh is super careful and will taste food for me and double checks if we are out. We cook from scratch and I can't imagine a dh who treated me with such disdain. I'd be reconsidering my relationship if I was you.

What's he like the rest of the time OP?

Jesus, that's awful op. I'm not normally one to jump on the LTB sentiment but I really would be considering whether I want to stay with someone like this.
My dh is allergic to quite a few things, some worse than others. I'm always checking labels for him, sometimes more than he does!

“Oh sorry, DH. You don’t like ghost chillies in your sandwiches do you?” 👊

My ex never understood why I make a fuss about being careful, he really didn’t believe reactions where that bad. But whether you plan to leave him or not, or even in the time it takes for you to split, you need to check all ingredients yourself or even take over on all the cooking. That’s the only way to be safe having a person who doesn’t care around.

I really feel for you as I'm also intolerant to onion and several other things. My dh went shopping last night to get me things I could eat as I have been eating normally for a hike and now I'm struggling again. That is how a spouse should be. Not purposely give you something he knows causes you harm at worse, or didn't check at best. And then to react as he did makes him a complete shit.

Your red line has been drawn and now you need to have a serious think about what happens next. . I hope you feel better soon and stop doing anything nice for your dickhead husband in the meantime.

I'm furious on your behalf. That's not how you treat someone you love.

My ex was like this. I had a hip problem meaning I couldn't walk far without pain. Apparently, asking him to park close to the supermarket doors was because "I'm lazy" and didn't want to walk. He seemed surprised when I had a hip replacement?!
Years before that, I spent 3 months in bed with a bulging disc in my back. It would take me 40 minutes to get to the toilet. He'd come home from work and ask why I hadn't tidied the house up! When I pulled him up on it, he told me he couldn't see why I was making such a big deal about a bit of back ache!!
To make it worse, he'd had a serious neck injury that required surgery and wanted me to wait on him hand and foot!
Notice he's an EX.

*@GunungBatur I would like to know more about how eating green beans helps with a garlic intolerance as I can't have onion, leeks, prawns, baked beans, haddock, plaice, rice, turmeric, aspartame or wheat.

I would be sitting him down and asking him seriously if he loves you, because how could someone do that to a person that they loved?

He's invalidating you. It's a very destructive behaviour in a relationship. You'll end up feeling like you're 'just being silly' while he crushes your confidence. The fact that you've needed to ask on a forum whether or not it's reasonable to be upset demonstrates that you don't trust yourself to 'feel the right thing'. This is what enables him to invalidate you.

It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong. It doesn't even matter if you are being silly (you're absolutely not, but this applies to other situations too, and we all feel silly things sometimes) What matters is that he's hurt you and he doesn't care. Your feelings, the big ones, the little ones, the oversensitive ones, the childish ones, the tearful ones etc, all deserve to be respected. He does not have the right to choose when you do and don't have the right to be upset about something. If you're feeling shitty he should be supporting you, and if it's his fault, he should be feeling bad about it.

I would be reconsidering the relationship, in your shoes. You know you're not in the wrong to be upset really, don't you. Listen to that sure voice inside you. It's who you are.

It's his attitude afterwards that stinks the most.
He may not of noticed (I know I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here) but once he had his error pointed out he should of been apologetic and helpful.

Op What makes it worse is his lack of contrition. But why did he say he checked when he clearly didn’t? I wish he could answer this. He is putting your life at risk with his irresponsible behaviour.