Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

I’d typed out a reply and lost it. But I wanted to explain:

I didn’t leave after the first affair because he wouldn’t admit until four years later, and only then because of some weird twist of fate. By that point we were engaged and I was naive. There had been sexting incidents (and other stuff) in between him having the first affair and me finding out, but because he was also denying the affair at that point, he was trying I convince me that the sexting was either in my imagination or no big deal. He used to say ‘go on Trisha and tell them. They’ll all laugh at you.’ And I used to believe him. So I told nobody (except one friend whom I quickly stopped talking to) and relied only on what he said. Fast forward 15 years and here we are.

I have split with him once before after coming on mumsnet for advice and going on chump lady (so I do worry that this is a place to get you to leave a cheater and therefore not unbiased). Last time I made him leave, which he thinks was monstrous. He won’t leave again and I need to get out ASAP before I change my mind. He only has to be a little bit nice for me to waver. Or cry. If he cries I waver too.

Last time he paid money to help with kids and mortgage. He held it over me and moaned about it constantly. I won’t accept money from him this time no matter how much he sees the kids and he knows this. Just a clean break. Last time he had them for nearly 40% and was pushing for 50. He won’t accept less this time. I’ve even offered to have a smaller share of the equity in the house for more time with the kids. He says no. The thing is, he doesn’t get home till gone 8pm every night so I do almost all the childcare. He does the occasional morning school run. Seeing the kids live with him and a new woman 50% of the time is what made be come back to him (or drag him back when he was happy and moving on, to use his words.) I know I am using them as an emotional crutch and that 50% of their dad would be good for them, but I just love them so much. I did all the breastfeeding and baby led weaning bollock. I did the playgroups and school admin and all of the shit around parties and playground politics. I’m not ready to let them go yet.

He's put you in a horrible situation. How old are the children?

I see why you haven't left him. Leaving him means less time with your children. But 100% of unhappiness and bad modelling of relationships has got to be worse than 50% freedom self respect and joy you can have when you are with them.

This is incredibly sad to read and I resonate with this very much - bringing back things I don't like to think about. He's completely warped your brain. Keep reading this whole thread over and over op. It will get better once you leave I promise.

He sounds absolutely ghastly. Immature, unfaithful, manipulative, controlling. He may look like a catch at first glance but however handsome or funny or rich he is he is absolutely not a good partner. He may move on but he won’t change. I would be pitying his next victim rather than envying her.

It doesn’t sound like 50:50 custody would be in your kids best interests, nor you moving out. I’d get the best lawyer you can possibly afford. Take all the money you can get.

From someone who is divorced and has their kids 50/50 - you just have to make the most of it and enjoy the free time you have without them.

You've been so ground down that you've lost yourself, you can find yourself again. Tell your friends what's happened and lean on them.

Judges do lean towards 50/50 more and more, which if both parents are competent is a good thing, and a win for feminism in my opinion. Children are not just women's work and responsibility and this reflects that.

Of course I miss my kids when they're at their dads. He also cheated on me and lives with OW now but I don't really give a shit about any of that.

But I am a person and not just a mum, I did 2 postgrads since my divorce which I wouldn't have been able to do before. I focused on my career and got 2 promotions. I dated a lot of sexy younger men and have now settled down with one of them. I travelled with my best friends.

I can say hand on heart that it's been so much better than being married to a cheat and having the kids with me full time.

I would advise that that you don’t move out until you’ve seen a lawyer. Also that you tell family and friends because you will need their support. Also that you consult your GP about your suicidal thoughts.

See a solicitor.

Are you the primary carer for the children?

Talk to your friends.
Talk to your family.

Go back to therapy. Your H is trying to terrify you into submission.

He only wants the children because he senses that this would hurt you and so far it is working as a means of keeping you under his control. This isn't about possibilities for women once they are freed from the responsibilities of caring for children 24/7.

If you do all the school runs and have them till 8pm and then he picks them up, it's not 50/50.

You tell him and the solicitors if he's going for 50% that means before and after school too. If he can't facilitate that, then he can't have a 50/50 arrangement.

The trouble with staying with him because of the kids is that you are teaching them that this dysfunctional relationship is normal. That's damaging.

I was lucky. I had the kids 12 nights out of 14 and loved my weekend off for sleeping etc.

I thought it was shameful to get divorced. No one gave a single fuck. Literally no one.

I didn't take any CMS and I'm so glad I didn't because he had no stick to beat me with. But I could afford not to.

Take the property, gradually move in.

Please see a lawyer now - I'd imagine they're doing video or telephone consultations. Spend a bit of time getting your paperwork together and getting prepared.

I was single for 6 years and it was a peaceful time. I got married again in my mid 40s. It's so different.

I have never known an unfaithful man and thought his wife was lucky no matter how beautiful, rich or famous he might be.

Op I think you’re just looking for reasons not to leave to be honest. Trying to justify in your own head why you should stay and take it.

From pretending you think all men do this, to thinking your a horrible person, to saying it’s about the kids. Gathering strength for three years is a very long time, I’m not sure you’re being honest with yourself. Even avoiding friends who know, or hiding it from others.

Do you understand why you’re behaving like this ? Is it financial? Fear of being alone?

I think fundamentally you don’t wish to leave. In your head this life is preferable.

Please listen to the posters OP. A lot have been where you are. Your dcs deserve to grow up with a more settled environment. And you deserve peace.

This gets worse each time you post. The guy is a total shit. Surely you can see that you and your DC would be so much better off without him.

You need some legal advice, and then you need to leave. He may start out with wanting 50% with the kids, but I bet that won't continue. He's holding it over you to get you to stay. So what if he meets someone else and you all see him with a new partner. He's no loss to you and would be no gain to her. Equally, you may meet someone you will treat you as an equal, love you, respect you, enjoy your company. You deserve that, but it won't happen whilst you're shackled to this moron of a man.

Op this is so upsetting! But hopefully this is making you realise the truth and you're not crazy? Agreed how old are the children? Just think what you want them to think is normal too. Are they boys/girls?

I am very sad for you. You say you couldn't do better than him and he will find someone better than you. This is, frankly, bollocks. YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM. HE IS THE ONE IN THE WRONG. Whoever he ends up with after you isn't better than you, she's unluckier than you. Get your situation sorted and make your own life. It will feel hard but you need to for you and your children. Good luck x

This morning he’s sprawled some St. John’s wort and kalms packets on the bed. I think it’s to make me worried about him. I haven’t said anything so he’s now very dramatically declared to me and the kids that he’s going for a walk because he’s having a hard time. If he’s sad, why not just talk to me? He wants me to do all the running and worrying.

It was him that dumped me again two days ago And hasn’t said a word since. If I try to talk to him he either orders me to leave or accused me of trying to fight with him. I feel like I can’t win. Let’s be honest, I’m never going to get out of here. I’m totally defeated.

He may start out with wanting 50% with the kids, but I bet that won't continue. He's holding it over you to get you to stay

I second this.

50 50 is too much work for people like him.

Oh FFS, he sounds like a narcissist or some kind of personality disorder.

It was him that dumped me again two days ago And hasn’t said a word since. If I try to talk to him he either orders me to leave or accused me of trying to fight with him. I feel like I can’t win. Let’s be honest, I’m never going to get out of here. I’m totally defeated.

No no no. You have your exits mixed up.

If winning is staying with him and him being different then yes there is no way out, no win, you are defeated.

If winning is getting out of the marriage, fuck yeah you can win. He doesn't have to cooperate with getting divorced. Lots of spouses don't. All that does is elongate the process of divorce and create extra bad feeling. It still happens.

Stop trying to make him be a nice person who appreciates and understands you. Full focus on divorce. That will help your mental health. You can win.

Try to distance yourself emotionally.
Arrange counseling for yourself.
Pack important documents and a bag of clothes, in case you need to leave in a hurry.
DO NOT RUN AFTER HIM.
It would be interesting to see his reaction in you physically and emotionally withdraw and observe from a distance.

Why are you allowing him to treat you like a piece of shit?

Please take the advice on here, dig deep down into your reserves and get out. He is an abusive arsehole, and it will never get better.

Let’s be honest, I’m never going to get out of here

I think that’s ultimately your intention yes. You know full well it’s your choice and you can walk. As said, the question is can you even admit to yourself why you won’t?

Don’t move out. Move into a spare room. Or if you don’t have a spare bedroom, then in with the DC.
Tell him and the D.C. that you are separating but will carry on sharing the house.
Consult a solicitor.
Tell him to call a doctor if he feels he needs antidepressants or can’t cope.
Do not cook, clean or have sex with him.
Only talk with him about the DC. Ignore every other conversation.

Alternatively, stay with him. He will continue to cheat on you. He will escalate his abuse. Your D.C. will learn unhealthy patterns of relationships. He will eventually get full custody.

Sorry I know that sounds harsh but you need to recognise his behaviour is monstrous. Not even in the same city as normal.

And no I am not saying this because I hate men.

Act now. Good luck.

This reminds me of the poster whose appalling husband took to dramatic weeping with the door propped open after the wife wouldn't back down on divorce and stopped pandering to his moods. Before long she realised how pathetic and comedic were his childish attempts at manipulation. So obviously set up too, like yours and the Kalms.

She got out I believe relatively quickly as it all accelerated when she stopped playing along with his games. I reckon you'll be the same. You are on the brink of freedom (mind and body).