Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

This has kind of turned into something I didn’t intend.

Sorry that was in response to the above.

I wish I could stop all of this slop spilling over every time I talk about this.

It's v hard (impossible) not to range over a and zoom in on lots of stuff once you post and people start asking questions - thetes always a huge amount of info and feelings in any scenario.

Or tells me I’ve ruined his life.

How ironic.

The question is, do I deserve it for being a horrible person?

You're not.

You can't get past what he's done to you and that's understandable.

where he yet again told me I’d destroyed his life

How exactly? By not staying silent & happy about his repeated infidelity (whether anything physical wax proven or not in every incidence).

Funny how he's accusing you if doing what he's done/is doing himself.

I just need to know that I’m not throwing my marriage away for some tiny misdemeanours that happened years ago

They're not tiny misdemeanors, it doesn't matter how long ago it was (some women stay for years to get their kids to a certain age and then go when their "d" h has been unfaithful or done unacceptable things, some stay for years trying to accept stuff and forgive and can't, so leave .. that's understandable too).

Also his repeated infidelities mean that his partner couldn't trust him - it's fully natural & understandable if she couldnt. Personally I wouldnt trust him as far as i could throw him with that track record, so it's not only about the past. It's about future potential for similar behaviour.

As many posters have said - women they know may have forgiven infidelity, often repeated infidelity, only to be dumped in the long term anyway when one of his emotional (or otherwise) affairs became serious and/or he considered the time right because kids were grown up with no maintenance to pay and no pesky child access visits to manage on his own etc.

Oh and he's going for 50 50 - right.

Only because he thinks it'll get him out if paying child maintenance, I bet.

The reality of true 50 50 may bite him on the arse. If he doesn't stick to it, be sure to reapply for child maintenance.

All you can do is talk to your solicitor or women's aid (or cab) about it.

I may have missed some bits but no, not normal and he's very, very abusive and manipulative.

He 100% believes that I’m abusive and have autism

You don't know what he believes- you only know what he tells you to fuck with you and manipulate you. This is the classic stuff they come out with to screw with people. Even if he does believe that, he's completely wrong.

Please do leave- take the rental, and let us all know when you're in. xxx

Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Definately not normal behaviour why would you think it was. Your DH just has no respect for you.

OP, you know this isn't ok. None of it it normal. He has had relationships with other women your entire relationship. Fuck that shit. He is a dirty cheating scumbag. Get rid of him fast, so you can live your life properly.

You should have ltb after the first affair. If he loved and respected you he would not have done this. Bin him off and find a keeper.

May I ask how his behaviour is affecting you? This is not only about what he wants and what he needs but keep an eye on yourself as you may be manipulated to believe his behaviour is normal and to be expected.

I suppose someone may come along to talk about open marriages were spouses have the freedom to sleep around with other people. This may work for some but if it hurts you he god and have sex with other people, this might not be what make you happy in the long term.

And do not be naive, if he has already cheated so many times that you know of, there is way you should believe he is only sexting these days, the boundaries are gone, he is still at it, the only reasons he has Not left can be either...

1. he prefers to keep a wife as this allows him to have free no strings sex with a variety of women without altering his life style. You are keeping a house and appearance for him

2. He has not like someone good enough yet for him to consider leaving the home comforts and varied sex partners you are allowing him to have.

It is not normal for a man to be like the one you have, you should already know this. But sadly many many men go astray like this, and women too. If he is getting away with all this, because you keep putting up with things, then that is the problem.

Some people will actually stay with a cheater, for many various reasons. It just depends if you want to stick around, or have a better life style elsewhere,

Absolutely not a normal thing to do.

An incredibly disrespectful thing to do though!!

No, it's not normal for a married man to do that at any age.

The question is, do I deserve it for being a horrible person?

@Dudududodu
You're wavering about leaving someone in case you "deserve" how unhappy he makes you... but the bitter joke is that no one deserves anything. Good or bad.

All you have is your choices.
He chooses to womanize...
You choose to stick around for it.

Thats it. That is the extent of your misery, that is its heart.

You can just stop fighting, stop asking his permission, stop begging him to see sense.

You can put this heavy burden down and just leave it by the roadside. There is no reason for you to keep feeling this way - there really isn't.

Sending you love during this shit time. Please see a solicitor before you do anything x

That's not normal or acceptable at any age unless you're in an open relationship. I understand about the kids, but don't worry for one minute about hurting him. What he's done over the years has likely destroyed your self-esteem, as it would anybody. No matter how well-off, intelligent or good-looking he is, he's no catch. Even if he were to remarry one of the women queuing up for him he'd do the same to them. I believe people can get past infidelity in some cases, but it doesn't sound like he's changed much. Even if he's no longer seeing other women, he seems to resent you for not turning a blind eye.

I never understand why men who can't be faithful don't just stay single

He's a cunt, get rid. You will be amazed how your life improves and other men will want you after this. And you will see it for the first time. I promise you.

And your still with this man???

None of it is normal or just a thing men do. It's a thing cheating knobheads do.

Please carry on with your plan to leave

The fact you even need to ask, shows how incredibly damaged you are, to not realise that this is not normal.

agree with pp. This is so far from normal. He has really done a number on you to make you even consider that it is , and oblige you to stay and tolerate his behaviour. It is not a case of "growing up", he is abusive and manipulative towards women. Please get some rl help and try to rebuild your self esteem so you can see him for what he is .

Read full thread now

"He 100% thinks I'm abusive" is what he is just using to beat you, like a stick. He doesn't believe it at all , he knows the truth and this is his distorted justification of it. Gaslighting you to take the blame for his awful behaviour. Abuse is not necessarily physical.

This is MH awareness week, please use it for a new beginning. I doubt he'd go through with 50:50 . Think of how your children will perceive this as normal the longer you stay and it could affect their future relationships.

Well if your abusing him he’s better off alone isn’t he? Then he can find another woman who’ll put up with his peccadilloes.

What a horrible man, turning it around on you. It’s nothing new either. One of my dads customers said to him once, in front of his wife with a face like thunder, “tell her, all men see other women” and my dad said no they don’t. His wife stayed with him too so god knows what had been going on & this was 30 years ago.