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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

369 replies

Dudududodu · 19/05/2020 19:12

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

OP posts:
Iheartbellatrixlastrange · 19/05/2020 23:38

Sorry, no this is not normal or respectful. I’ve been with my partner since we were both fifteen, and in that time he has never so much as looked at another woman. You deserve to be loved and respected and have a partner that worships the ground you walk on.

I don’t want to sound like a drag, but, staying with someone like this will only hurt you.

Everyone deserves to be loved, and there is someone out there for everyone. Someone who will love you and respect you :) Don't be someone’s doormat

JellyFishSquish · 19/05/2020 23:39

What PickAChew said

Original poster
Dudududodu · 19/05/2020 23:40

This has kind of turned into something I didn’t intend. I wish I could stop all of this slop spilling over every time I talk about this.

So it’s not normal to sext. Okay. Got it. (That’s not to be ungrateful. I’m very grateful for the help. I just don’t want to over share)

OP posts:
essexmum777 · 19/05/2020 23:40

Why do you feel like you need his permission?

Prisonbreak · 19/05/2020 23:42

My ex did this. Quite openly too. And when I would raise the issue he would calmly tell me that every guy does it and he wasn’t going to stop.
Needless to say we haven’t been together for many years and my boyfriend now of 7 years would never do that to me. He respects me

SnoozyLou · 19/05/2020 23:47

It’s normal behaviour for a cheat. Nothing a spray of Ralgex in the underpants couldn’t cure.

I’m sorry OP. This man is a spineless prick. I would kick him out. You’re not overreacting. You’re underreacting. He’s got a free pass to keep doing it now.

Ginfordinner · 19/05/2020 23:47

Every time you post you show yet another example of the way he is gaslighting you. You need to get away asap from this abusive excuse for a man.

AskEvans · 19/05/2020 23:47

Ask yourself what sort of feelings you would have had to have towards him, in order for you to do the same to him as he has done to you.

silentpool · 19/05/2020 23:52

OP, deep down you know this isn't good. But you will need a lot of courage to leave as he has chipped away at you. But you can do it.

MLouise84 · 19/05/2020 23:54

@Dudududodu why would you be signing up for child benefit 🤔 child benefit isn't means tested, so you should already be getting child benefit if you've got a child/children.

Vodkacranberryplease · 19/05/2020 23:54

Wow. Just wow. He's doing a number on you. DO NOT MOVE OUT INTO A RENTAL. Stop talking to him. Talk to a solicitor. Stop listening to him.

A man going 50/50 custody is a red flag it's the abusers weapon of choice. No financial obligation yet you raised the children and don't have the earning power. So you get to live in a shit hole and he stays in the family home while he convinces a judge he can offer them a better living environment and you're mental. He's already setting it up with what he's saying - he'll go on record with that and keep saying it till they believe him.

I think you are going to get fucked and there's not a damn thing any of us can say. You're probably clinically depressed (at the very least at a very low ebb) and he's a manipulative p.o.s.

There's some good advice on this thread about what you need to do and I understand that you're not ready to act on it yet - but he is setting you up. Trust me. Read about abusers. It's like they have a script, that they all follow. Maybe then you'll see. This isn't just some bloke sexting - it's systematic undermining, gaslighting and cheating. For virtually your whole relationship. But you're the one who will end up with nothing and possibly no children. And as for his charm with the ladies? Textbook. Just fucking textbook.

Thinkingabout1t · 19/05/2020 23:57

He’s using you, OP. He has a safe comfortable life with you to keep him going between affairs. Of course he wants this to continue, without giving anything to you. What a selfish shit.

1Wildheartsease · 19/05/2020 23:57

Of course his behaviour is wrong. (You know this)
He should be concealing his behaviour becuase he is feeling guilty but is most likely trying to keep his dirty secrets quiet because other people would criticism him too.

He does not love you. (His actions speak louder than any words.)

He loves the power he has over you.
(He can make you think that you are in the wrong - and that he is 'a catch'. Not many women in the world would want a lying cheat for long.)

Work on your self-esteem and get out in the world to mix with a better class of person!

DeeCeeCherry · 20/05/2020 00:02

I don’t want to hurt him and also I don’t want to break up with him. I can’t explain but I bet lots of you get it

I don't get it. He's a sleaze out there looking for sympathy shags & I wouldn't even want to touch much less sleep with a man who puts it about then comes back to my life and bed. Theres such a thing as self-worth.

But you already know what he's like and don't want to leave so I'm guessing your post is just a vent really. He is who he is. He isn't going to change for you. So maybe just find a way to cope with the reality of your relationship. Good luck.

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/05/2020 00:04

Oh and not only is it not normal to sext...
it's not normal to tell someone they are autistic
It's not normal to constantly tell someone you want a divorce
It's not normal to have a string of affairs and pretend it's kissing
It's not normal to have affairs even if they are just kissing (which they are not)
It's not normal to try to get the mother of your children to move out and go for 50/50 custody
It's not normal to accuse someone of abuse because they ask about the affairs.

I've had lots of men over the years and not a single one had ever done even one of these things and in fact no man I know has as far as I know. Sometimes guys cheat. But not like this.

I'm guessing the previous you alluded to is a web of lies around money. Money he owed, or some kind of financial deception (unpaid tax poss). What you chose to live with in the past does not sentence you to a life of it in the future. We all make mistakes! There's no shame in that. It doesn't make you weak or stupid, the only thing that matters is what you go now!!

StayinginSummer · 20/05/2020 00:11

You are not alone. My Ex also sexted other women for most of our marriage. I was devastated.

It’s also harder to process I think because it’s not as clear as an affair. My Ex also told me he’d only met up with 4 women, only kissed them, and didn’t have sex. He then played it down, said people who sext are not the confident amazing good looking women and that it was all a bit pointless and he didn’t know why he did it and he wished he could just take away the part of him that did it.

I stayed for a while. Forgave kind of.

Looking back there definitely is something so so wrong with sexting. Forget about whether it turned into sex, it probably did, but even if it didn’t... there is something very very wrong about a man collecting women sexually like that. No friendship. No nothing. Just plug in and sex on tap through a phone. It’s like being addicted to sex lines.

Really really not healthy.

CoronaIsComing · 20/05/2020 00:13

No it’s not normal!

StayinginSummer · 20/05/2020 00:18

Oh and not only is it not normal to sext...
It's not normal to constantly tell someone you want a divorce
It's not normal to have a string of affairs and pretend it's kissing
It's not normal to have affairs even if they are just kissing (which they are not)
It's not normal to try to get the mother of your children to move out and go for 50/50 custody
It's not normal to accuse someone of abuse because they ask about the affairs.

Very on point. My Ex also did all of the above... he’s also ‘a catch’, also has women all over him, is annoyingly pretty hot, charming, intelligent, high flyer, caring, did lots of housework, funny and easy going...

How can we square that? The man who can be so fantastic and yet so cruel, lying, ruthless to the woman who is the mother of his children, like you OP, me, and lots of others... it’s kind of frightening actually. Wolf in sheep’s clothing.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 20/05/2020 00:19

OP, you are never complicit in anyone else's behaviour. The things your husband has done are his and his alone.

People do all kinds of dreadful things. But that's up to them.

It's nothing to do with you.

mathanxiety · 20/05/2020 00:20

The question is, do I deserve it for being a horrible person?
Please bring up the topic of deserving abuse with a therapist.

Your latest comments about your H reveal someone who is verbally (emotionally and psychologically) abusing you as well as battering you with his constant infidelity. The way he threatens divorce and attempts to shut you up by accusations of starting arguments, autism (fgs) and ruining his life by trying to talk about his terrible behaviour and the problems it has caused is abusive in and of itself.

You need to see a solicitor after you have had some more therapy.
(And you need to get a std).

I would put the rental on hold until you have consulted a solicitor. Use the rental money to hire a really assertive solicitor who has a lot of experience dealing with abusers.

Can you afford more than £400 per hour for a solicitor? Is there cash or are there assets you would be willing or able to liquidate to get a really good outcome? Could your parents help?

Some of these will cost less than that:
www.wiselaw.co.uk/divorce-solicitors-london/

Proceed with renting a new place for yourself only if you are not entitled to stay in the marital house if you divorce. If you are married with children there is a likelihood that you could keep the house and he would be the one leaving. But there are other elements to this, as he has threatened to go for 50-50 custody - this has financial implications for you.

You might be able to negotiate sale of the family home with proceeds split unevenly and less child support than he would normally have to pay vs 50-50 child custody. He is threatening to take the children from you with his talk of 50-50. He knows this would hurt you as he would owe no child support and you would have to get a job or increase your hours to support them and you half of the time. A truly cruel man.

A solicitor will want to delve into:
How old are the children?
Any special needs?
Any school costs - private school?
Do you have a job at present?
How much might sale of the family home yield once the mortgage is paid off?
(In the current uncertain circumstances it might be wise to hold off on a house sale though).
Any other assets that could be sold like a holiday home, stocks, bonds, vintage car?

StayinginSummer · 20/05/2020 00:22

Oh and don’t ever go 50/50 with someone who can’t be trusted. He will move a woman in to look after your kids.

incognitomum · 20/05/2020 00:31

I can't believe what I've read. He's totally manipulated you Sad

GilbertMarkham · 20/05/2020 00:31

why would you be signing up for child benefit 🤔 child benefit isn't means tested, so you should already be getting child benefit if you've got a child/children.

Not if household income is too high (but wouldn't be if op on own).

GilbertMarkham · 20/05/2020 00:32

It is means tested, is what I'm.saying.

We get no child benefit due to dh's salary.

GilbertMarkham · 20/05/2020 00:34

Tends to happen on here.

If you need a break from the thread, take it it can get too much with piles and piles of posters going at it and questioning you (and often ordering you too).

You can come back to it whenever you want, people will always answer.