Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

I went though this in my early 20's with an ex I was with in my teens. I was so besotted by him. The first time I found out, I saw he was doing dirty video chats, sexting and arranging to meet up. I believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again and that he hadnt actually met up with anyone.

It was not a one off, it happened throughout our entire relationship, i just didn't always know. They get better at hiding things, then you find the odd thing, that isn't okay but isn't obviously cheating. Saw the odd messages to random girls - why would a man ever message random girls when in a relationship??? you just end up accepting it.

It completely broke my self esteem, i thought i couldn't do better than him. In the same way you worry, I knew he would find someone "better", thought him a catch, etc.

Anyway, after 6 years I left. Genuinely didn't look back, actually felt free. I realised he was controlling and had issues. I have never regretted it and actually I went on to meet the perfect man and realise what a real relationship is! To feel secure, never worry what the other person is up to, happy, CONTENT. 10 years on, he hasn't actually moved on properly but I got married and have children. You can't worry about what the future holds with regards to him moving on though.

I say from the bottom of my heart, you can & will do better. It's a very difficult situation with children involved, but do you want them to see you unhappy and in a home with affairs?

You'll only leave when you are ready to though and I hope you find happiness.

A catch eh? A bloke who repeatedly sexts other women, has multiple affairs and thinks it’s no big deal? Who exactly do you think would consider him a catch OP?

Anybody else on here fancy giving him a go???

Don’t waver, OP. This man has no integrity and is certainly not any sort of “catch.” He is an absolute pig who feels no loyalty or fidelity. His wants/needs reign supreme, and he will always feel entitled to pursue illicit sex and ego boosts.

As others have advised, please seek individual counseling to examine why you have been willing to settle for so little and to strengthen your boundaries and coping skills. Your children are learning a toxic relationship model. You and they deserve better.

No. This is NOT normal behaviour. Right catch is he?, mind you don't "catch" anything off him!

Do have some self respect please!!

TBH when I clicked on this thread I thought you were going to ask if other peoples’ male partners spend ages in the loo, or leave their dirty pants on the floor or something like that. I wasn’t expecting an OP to ask if it’s normal for their husband to screw around with multiple women, that’s for sure.

The other two affairs were only kissing and sexting apparently.

This is the saddest part of your post.

But this is still unacceptable isn't it? Your self esteem is so low now, you're grasping... None of his behaviour is ok, please think about he has done to you

Fuck me, he's done a number on you, hasn't he? You sound almost hypnotised by the stuff you are telling yourself, but almost none of it is true.
Do please get some counselling after you are out so you can unpick the massive damage this has done to your self esteem, sense of perception, ability to trust your instincts etc.
And of course you should fucking leave him.

If this is real it’s incredibly sad

Op have you not had any other relationships? Or if you did, did they also cheat on you constantly?

You know it’s not normal, you’re just looking for a reason to take it. This isn’t the reason.

Low self esteem, fear of being alone, these are reasons, but pretending to yourself all men cheat isn’t. Even you would struggle to buy that.

Dunno, I could be quite happy being married to a cheater if I never touched him and he gave me lots of money.

Half joking really but that's what you're talking about isn't it OP? Please don't tell us you're shagging that.

A catch? All your mutual friends and acquaintances will be forever gossiping about his sleaziness. They won't be gossiping about what a lucky woman you are. They won't be wishing they were with him. Though to be fair if they wanted a quick shag with him they could have one.

If youre okay with an open relationship and he's great in every way, and you get on - then so be it. But keep in mind that he may well trade you in for a younger firmer model when you're older. Don't you think you deserve more?

I expect the only thing you’d catch off him is the clap.

Come on OP, how can you think you deserve this?

Those saying he won’t change are right.

I have a relative who has ruined so many loving relationships it’s unbelievable. So many women have offered him everything and he’s thrown it in their faces. His first marriage was his longest - 20+ years. Lovely wife and children. Repeated affairs. Eventually she had enough and kicked him out.

So he took up with more women and ruined their lives too.

He’s now mid 60s and a father of 8. By 6 different women. The youngest child has just been born to his latest partner, who is less than half his age and significantly younger than his oldest children. She’ll wise up eventually. They always do.

His first wife is happily remarried and has been for many years. She glows with happiness. His oldest two children are remarkably well adjusted but find him an embarrassment.

You are justifying his behaviour and believing the rubbish that he spins. You know he is unfaithful and a liar. Not sure how this makes him a great catch (as you say). You don’t want to be on your own, so you put up with it and accept his ridiculous explanations. Or you can leave and have peace of mind in your life.

OP this is so sad. I wish you could have lived another life. One where you were truly cherished and respected. This is not normal behaviour. It's horrible for you and your DC. You may think they don't see it but they will and this will shape their choices in life. You said you were also staying for the sake of your DC, please dont do this. For you and them you need to follow through. Give yourself the chance of a life without someone deliberately destroying you. Please take strength in knowing you are doing the right thing.

You don’t want to hurt him? He’s done nothing but hurt you throughout your marriage. It’s time for those big girl pants and to love yourself, right now. You deserve better. 💐

Thank you for the replies. This will be long, sorry.

Yes this is my only relationship

He’s never open about it. He’s ashamed of what he’s done but never sorry, in that he says he’s sorry but always has an excuse.

I’m not sure if I’ve been clear about the sexting. I discovered it three times during the whole relationship but it was always overshadowed by the cheating. Then last week for reasons I won’t bore you with, I discovered that he had been doing it until 2014. Then I put two and two together and realised that it would be a ridiculous coincidence for me to catch him every time, and that he had probably been doing it consistently. I know that sounds thick, but I had bigger fish to fry. I can’t explain it. He’s always said he’s not cheating and I wanted to believe him. He says he carried on all these years because he didn’t think I’d find out and it was harmless.

He’s a catch in that when we split before I read some of the messages from other women and they were all gushing over how honest and trustworthy he must be because of (whatever reasons I won’t go into here). It annoyed me!

Re the ‘overreacting’ he actually says ‘you’re blowing this way out of proportion.’ Or ‘you’re making out to be way worse than it actually was.’ But I suppose that’s the same thing really.

I know I look like a mug and a doormat. I hate that I am totally complicit in this. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m close to leaving. I’ve been gathering strength for three years or so. I read chump lady every day (which he calls a bible of hate that brainwashes people) and I’ve had tons of therapy. I’m getting there.

Nobody thinks he’s a bad guy. He has a few friends, one close friend, and they either endorse this behaviour or think he’s generally wonderful. Some of my friends are starting to dislike him but I try not to say too much to them as I don’t want to be too one sided.

I feel bad because I have tried and failed to forgive him. I’ve tried to stuff all the feelings down but it’s made me suicidal. I wake up most mornings googling ‘how can I kill myself and make it look like an accident’ or some variant of that. Sorry to sound so dramatic but that’s basically the reason I want to leave, so I don’t kill myself.

He’s done other weird demented stuff but it’s in the past as far as I know. I feel bad for bringing up stuff from years ago because I chose to stay. I honestly believed I was big enough to overcome it.

Also, I’ve had a few std tests over the years and they were clear.

After he had the random hookup, he got std tested. He said it was clear and I believed him. I didn’t get tested myself. Honestly, it never even occurred to me to do that. I kick myself now but I was naive and stupid.

Talk to your friends.

Your husband has been fucking around for your whole marriage and is telling you it is normal. Your perception of normal is so messed up you even asked us if it is normal.

Talk to your friends. Tell them what a nasty sleaze he is. I'll bet they all know already. Nobody is that much of a sleazy man without everyone getting the ick from him. I bet they all wonder why you are OK with it but so long as you don't seem to be bothered then they aren't going to say anything.

Meet friends for a walk. Tell them everything.

Sorry to sound so dramatic but that’s basically the reason I want to leave, so I don’t kill myself.

Leave, OP. Now. Far better for the kids to have a single mother than a dead one.

I honestly believed I was big enough to overcome it.
Are you on glue? You think it is desirable to allow people to get away with treating you like shit?

Yuk. He’s disgusting! No that’s not normal behaviour, you say you don’t want to hurt him, but he’s hurt you, and carried on, you don’t want to break up with him you say, well you say lots of you get it, well I don’t, I haven’t read one post so far that others get it either, he’s having his cake and eating it and you are allowing him to by staying, teaching your children that this is acceptable, I’d be having more than one STD test as soon as I found out too, have some respect for yourself! You are worth so much more and so are your children,

thats not normal.

he might be catch on paper, but as a serial cheater he is a horrific role model for your children.

obviously you deserve better

You need to leave him before you do yourself serious harm, following your update. He's not worth it. He's a serial cheat and will cheat until he can't.

You deserve better.

You will be seriously damaging your mental health by trying to make yourself overcome things that can't and shouldn't be overcome. No one deserves to be treated the way that he has treated you - no one.

And it really doesn't matter what other people think of him; you know that he is a liar and a cheat and that's all that matters. If other people think he is a "catch" then that's because they don't really know him properly. Honestly, your thinking is so distorted on this that it's quite hard to understand how you've arrived at these conclusions, but please, please walk away from this awful man now.