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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

369 replies

Dudududodu · 19/05/2020 19:12

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/05/2020 20:46

@Dudududodu
I highly recommend you read that excellent article posted by Dontbeme.

If it's the only thing you do today, do that. Then read it again.

Pissflapflip · 19/05/2020 20:48

I was in a similar position to you and I stayed, only for that dirty toad to just walk out after 10 years anyway. He left absolute heart break and chaos when he did go and parenting my children through that period was the absolute hardest thing I could have ever imagined. The situation made me suicidal and I still feel like all the worst of it could have been avoided if I had have just calmly left when I knew it wasn't right. Just go, OP. You'll still have the lay laugh as there's no way men like that will ever be truly happy with anyone and he won't be able to sustain anything worthwhile because of how he is. Please just go.

Tulipstulips · 19/05/2020 20:50

Definitely do not waver. I’m sure there are other men who do this but there are many many who do not, who are good and faithful and caring. Find one of those.

lilgreen · 19/05/2020 20:51

You are crazy to be with him! Have my very first LTB.

Ginfordinner · 19/05/2020 20:53

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young?

No, it is a normal thing for selfish arseholes, not decent husbands

I don’t want to hurt him

Why not? He has hurt you. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings.

I stay because I don’t believe I could do any better

Your standards must be as low as your self esteem.

I can’t explain but I bet lots of you get it

Quite frankly, no I don’t. He is a lying, cheating, self-absorbed, disrespectful waste of space who only loves himself. I have no time for slimeballs like him. He will continue to behave like this because he can.

And get yourself checked out for an STI.

Tulipstulips · 19/05/2020 20:53

And if my husband cheated on me, THEN said I was overreacting, I’d be leaving him for that at the very least. Talk about adding insult to injury. What a gaslighting cunt.

lilgreen · 19/05/2020 20:56

OP if you have a daughter, what would you tell her?

lazyarse123 · 19/05/2020 20:56

Please get out he doesn't deserve you. Would you like your daughter to be treated this way?

mindutopia · 19/05/2020 20:56

Uh, no. Dh and I have been together since he was 21 and now mid to late 30s. I’m pretty certain he has never sexted anyone (cringe) and wouldn’t know where to even look for a chatroom. I’m pretty open minded about things like that anyway, but no, not all men are dickheads.

GingerBeverage · 19/05/2020 20:58

Hi OP - look at it this way. He's had 20 odd years to groom you. I'm guessing you got together as teens? So that's a LONG time for someone who knows what he's doing to manipulate you into behaving and thinking as he wants.
The reason you're wavering is because anyone brainwashed for 20 years would have trouble breaking free from their manipulator.
The fact you're asking about it is a good sign, it shows you're questioning the way he's conditioned you. Keep it up, you have taken the first step and true freedom awaits you.

Soen · 19/05/2020 20:59

Ugh! Sorry OP, but theres only one person who can do better here and that's you!

Pollaidh · 19/05/2020 21:01

Jesus no, this is not normal. Many women would leave after one chat-room betrayal. Many women would have left after the first affair, anyone with any self-respect would have left after the second. After the third... well he knows there are no consequences, doesn't he? And he just doesn't care about being found out, or how it affects you, or your health and mental well being. This wasn't a one-off too much to drink, deeply regretted betrayal, this is your entire marriage as a betrayal.

As for the children. I was at uni with the son of a serial philanderer and he (the son) hated seeing how his father treated his mother and their marriage, and couldn't understand why his mother put up with it. It was deeply damaging for the children. And this was probably a best case outcome. Worst case and the son probably went into his adult life and relationships thinking this was acceptable behaviour.

Please seek counselling help for you, as well as leaving this bastard. It's not normal to accept this in a marriage or any serious relationship (outside of agreed polyamory but this is not it!), and I think you need to take a look at why you've felt this is what you deserve in life. Because no-one deserves this.

Vodkacranberryplease · 19/05/2020 21:02

Why don't you just play a little game with him? Pretend to be wavering because you too have sexted a man and kissed him. THEN watch him going on about over reacting. 🙄🙄🙄
What a fucking tosser. Obviously he's a cheater but to tell you that you are over reacting?? That's a new level of shit.
If you stay then in his mind you are giving him permission to do this. He's only a catch to those who don't know him and if you think he's a catch well there's no reason you couldn't get another one. But this time not a cheater.

tara66 · 19/05/2020 21:02

I am not aware of it as something normal.

Candyfloss99 · 19/05/2020 21:04

Believe me there won't by any women queueing up for a seperated lying cheating scumbag and if there is it won't take them long to realise what he's like and run for the hills.

Winter2019 · 19/05/2020 21:08

Err, you said you don't want to leave him anyway so doubt you will but to answer your question - no, it's not normal, it's so disrespectful and i wouldn't really describe him as 'quite a catch'. Is this a wind up?!

AgathaX · 19/05/2020 21:08

This situation is never going to improve. He's going to continue to act the randy dog as he gets older. You're going to be watching your 50, 60, 70 year old husband sexting and shagging anyone who shows him some interest for the rest of your life. Your children will cringe at his behaviour, hopefully, or they may emulate it, and they will wonder why the hell you stayed with such a sleaze. Is that what you want? Is that what you want for your children?

Pollaidh · 19/05/2020 21:08

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young?

No. In 23 years worth of boyfriends and 1 husband, only 1boyfriend has, that I know of, cheated, and he was 17 and a dickhead. And I dumped him over it. AFAIK no other boyfriend or DH has gone this. My best friends are men, and we talk a lot. They do not do this either.

I don’t want to hurt him
He's hurt you time and time again and he couldn't care less about you. Why do you feel any responsibility towards his happiness?

I stay because I don’t believe I could do any better

Please seek professional help for your low self-esteem. No one deserves to be treated this badly.

I can’t explain but I bet lots of you get it

No, I really do not get it. The other posters really do not get it. He's conditioned you into believing this is normal. I'm afraid it really isn't. This is an absolutely dreadful relationship.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2020 21:13

You're going to be watching your 50, 60, 70 year old husband sexting and shagging anyone who shows him some interest for the rest of your life.

YYY to this.

As he grows older the people he sexts and propositions will eventually be the same age as and younger than your children and their friends. He may well even hit on your children's friends.

Are you ready for the embarrassment and humiliation of that shitshow? Are you ready to explain that to your children?

ElectricTonight · 19/05/2020 21:17

It's not the norm to most of society no.
But there are relationships out there that aren't perfect and people choose to live with it.

Stay if you want but one day you might regret staying and feel you've wasted all these years on someone who didn't give you 100%.

If you leave then well you won't be walked over anymore.

The ball is in your court, it's your life and your decision to make.

Friendsofmine · 19/05/2020 21:20

How dare he say you are over reacting. He has moulded you into an affair detection device.

I really hope with some therapy for your low self esteem you come to see you deserve so much better and never put up with this level of shit again.

Thisisshit4567 · 19/05/2020 21:25

Actually I do kind of get it. My STBXH had 2 affairs. I forgave this first and the 2nd time I didn't and we have separated. It absolutely killed me to end it and I was worried about hurting him, I know it sounds bizarre, but I am a people pleaser, I always put others first.

I think if I hadn't confronted him as soon as I found out and was really fucking angry I might not have ended it, I needed the anger to overtake the fear.

My ex is also a 'catch' on paper, good looking, successful, everyone loves him but jesus, he's an arse. We had a lovely life and he couldn't keep his dick in his trousers and the more I think about it, he probably did it way more times than I found out about because he had every opportunity.

I'm only 6 weeks out from seperating and I still find it hard, but I know I couldn't have stayed in that marriage and I might as well be out now and have half a chance of a happy life on my own.

Healthyandhappy · 19/05/2020 21:29

You have confused me a husband of 20 of years and hes late 30s you have been together since u were 10?

mammafive · 19/05/2020 21:31

I was in the same position as you my husband had affairs, was sexting, using live sex websites (if that's what they're called) I delayed leaving him for so long believing in his lies. That he would change, they didn't mean anything. I had 2 young babies and was too scared to take the massive jump and go it alone. Probably embarrassed that my family had failed. I felt like I wouldn't be able to cope alone & he would never struggle to find someone else so I'd need to watch him rebuild his life and be happy while I struggled on my own. But I did leave him eventually and it's the best thing I ever did. It turns out he needed me way more than I needed him & I am managing on my own. I'm rebuilding myself and so much happier for it. You deserve so much more than what he's giving you. This is not normal behaviour from someone who is supposed to love u. If u stay you will never be truly happy as you will always be wondering what he's up to, it will torture you every day.

Devlesko · 19/05/2020 21:39

No my love this isn't normal for a married man of any age, thank God. Thanks
You know that you deserve much more than this, you deserve respect, faithfulness, love, and a whole heap you'll never get from him.
You deserve happiness and self respect and to be confident, feelings you'll never get from him.
I'm sure the family would benefit more from two homes, rather than living a lie.