Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@Diabetes123 much better than I thought
Turns out he been feeling similar and we both feeling totally disconnected
Still very emotional as there is nothing major happened just a slow decline to us losing each other
We both cried chatted and agreed that our relationship is not right
We are going to arrange counselling and see where that takes us

TTGOOS That's sounds very similar to me and my husband however we have discussed marriage counselling and decided not to do it at the minute. We are both going to have individual counselling for 6 weeks and then see where we go from there. Well done though its a very hard conversation to have but sounds like you've done the right thing and its just taken one of you to speak up :)

I've actually told my DH that its not just him I don't want to be with I don't want to be with anyone I want to be on my own :(

My independence is paramount to me at the minute and I wont be in any hurry to let that go!

Hi everyone,

Read most of your messages and sorry to hear so many are going through a similar situation, especially during these times.

I've been feeling like i have wanted to leave for a long time now, a few years at least.

During the lockdown its only made it more apparent that me and DP do not get on and the past few weeks have hardly spoke. I have it in my mind i need to tell him we are done. I just dont know how to bring it up. I just dont have it in me.

Reading through your stories has really helped and im going to try to write down a dialouge and plan, as im not naturally good at getting out what i want to say.

Stay strong and stay safe everyone

Is anyone else worried about the impact on their family?
My parents adore DH and, given I am now trapped at the other side of the world, they will be so worried about me.
I have flights in July and hoped to tell them face to face so at least they can see I am ok but that clearly can't happen. They are struggling in lockdown (well, pre lockdown TBH) as dad has Parkinson's and mum is his (slightly impatient) carer and I was the one who saw them most (two shit brothers).

The reason I’ve waited so long is to lessen the impact on family. My DM and DBro are right behind me. My DC are living here and have seen the awful behaviour I’ve had to experience so will totally understand my reasons for leaving.

Witches - wait until the medication has taken effect and you feel less angry. Then sit him down and have a talk with him. Sounds like he needs to be on your side to a degree to get any kind of agreement sorted.

How long have you been out there? It takes a looong time to feel settled anywhere new. And this Pandemic ain’t helping either.

Does anyone have an opinion on mediation v legal? I'm concerned that if we go to mediation I'll be bullied into something I'm not happy with.

Good morning welcome to new posters
Sorry that you too are in this position
Diabetes your brothers response must be upsetting. What's your relationship like with him usually? Did he know you were so unhappy? It's strange how other people react isn't it! But ultimately your brother isn't married to your DH and as blunt as it is also none of his business!

@Witchesandwizards I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position do you have friends there you can talk with. Like I said above families will have their opinion however they are not the one in the relationship. My sister loves my DH but when I spoke to her recently she understands I'm not happy and that's important.

We are both coming to terms with what we said at the weekend about our relationship being in big trouble! We spent a peaceful Sunday reflecting on what's happened and still can't quite understand how we got here! The want for Independance is pulling me too but still the fear of walking away from a 20 year relationship with a good guy is sitting deep in my stomach.

@KedsAndTubeSocks mediation is surely about you getting a fair agreement without the trauma of courts etc

Wishing you all a peaceful week ☀️

Thanks TTGOOS

I don't think anyone was aware of how I was feeling I kept it very well hidden for the sake of the kids. I'm trying to just let the thing with my brother go as I literally have not got the strength in me to discuss his emotions at the minute.

I get where youre coming from my DH is a really good guy but unfortunately it just wasn't there and theres nothing I can do about that but its still very sad :(

I hope you can continue to talk openly and try and come to some sort of agreement on moving forward.

@Diabetes123
It probably came as a shock to your brother if your family had no idea
We are so good at trying to protect everyone we don't always look out for ourselves!
Like your daughter I am sure they want you to be happy even if it's painful and a long road for them

Hope you have some days off and some time to rest
I have loved my leave from work and so glad I got to have the conversation I needed to have out of the way xx

TTGOOS
You have done amazing you should be very proud of yourself :) Onward and upward :)

It really did come as a shock to everyone and to be honest a shock to be that I was at last brave enough to do it! I haven't thought of myself for the last 20 years :(

I literally cannot wait to finish on Wednesday after 9 days straight I am shattered :( but.....I'm going to look at some new cars tonight so I'm looking forward to that and I've just got my own bank account up and running and set up my first direct debit...…..go meeee :)

Hi, can I join?

I've been married to DH for 10 years, 2 primary aged DC, slowly becoming more unhappy. Lots of little things, all becoming one unsurmountable problem.

I want to seperate / divorce, but I know he'll be difficult and refuse to move out. He's the higher earner and I know he sees this house as mainly "his" so he won't move out, I just know it.

I've not talked to him yet as I don't know how to. I'm crap at things like this and I'm afraid of his reaction.

How do you do it? How?

Zis I would try and write something down so you have kind of a script if you don't know what to say. Could you move out?

Why are you afraid of his reaction in what respect?

You could say something along the lines of I'm very unhappy and I would like us to separate so that I can have some time to think :) If he asks why you're unhappy then try to make sure you have clear answers for him.

I know its not easy believe me but once those words are said you will feel better I promise :)

@Zisforstripyoss
Welcome
I've just had the conversation with my DH
It wasn't easy but once I started it felt so much better and the words just fell out
I really didn't want to get into a blame based conversation so kept it very much about me and my feelings
I apologised to him for I knew what I said was painful but also told him i had to be honest for him and myself
I promise the thought of it was worse than actually doing it
Xx

Thank you for replying. It's been ok the past couple of days, although my plan was always to wait until after lockdown. It will come as a surprise to him I think, he thinks he's perfect and there's only a couple of little things. I don't know if he'd want to fight for us, but I do know he will be incredibly difficult about things and he won't move out of "his" house.

I've done the maths, I'd probably be ok in a rental.

@takethegirloutofscotland how did your H take it?

Hi all.

Hope everyone is ok.

I have finally broken up from work today after 9 days straight for 11 days :)

I've had a stressful couple of days trying to sort out finances etc but I'm just trying to stay focused on moving forward :)

Sending all my love and hugs to all of you x

Good evening
Great you have some time off now @Diabetes123 enjoy!!
I've just gone back today after 11 off it was a real challenge this morning!!!
Good to hear you focussing I'm moving forward too!
@Zisforstripyoss better than I thought!
He was obviously feeling that something wasn't right too! I thought he would blame me but he didn't although I feel that may still come
We have had a few other chats since which have made us decide to have some counselling and see where that takes us!
Don't get me wrong the conversation was hard and heartbreaking but felt so much better once we had spoken
I'm not sure what the counselling will bring No experience of couples counselling
Anyone on here any experience??
Xx

TTGOOS Mmmm…...its horrible going back when you've had time off : (

You've done so well and it really is the fear of saying it I think than really doing it :(

I'm really really trying to move forward but I feel my DH is still clinging to every bit of hope :( which makes me feel sooo guilty and sad for him as I just want him to be happy.

I'm actually really enjoying living by myself but this in itself feels selfish even because I miss my daughters like crazy :(

Such a difficult situation girls but in the long run I know I'll eventually be happy I'm sure of it :)

Love to you all xxx

Please can I join in. You all sound wonderful.
Married for 20 years, 2 DC, youngest is 13.
There have been some brilliant and some awful times.
DH is a functioning alcoholic (but won't admit it) and very controlling. Nobody suspected we were anything but the perfect couple. Last year after a row he said he was leaving me. He has often threatened this and I have always given in. This time I took him at his word. He was back within 2 days and completely broke down. Suicide threats, stopped work, total emotional mess. Turned my 13 yo against me, telling him it was all my fault and he would do anything to have me back. That was heart-breaking as he was my best buddy and suddenly felt responsible for his dad's welfare and believed terrible lies.
Anyway, very long and boring story. I moved out. DS stayed with his father as he didn't want to leave him. Shared custody of DS. Strangely my DH has become far more involved with him now, so that's a positive.
Finances a huge mess, lots of debt (not because of me!)
Family have had a mixed response, some very supportive, some very not supportive! Many asking why I stayed so long if it was so bad.
I have felt guilt, shame and terrible sadness.
I have absolutely made the right decision, but nothing is without consequences.
DH refusing to discuss divorce now and sorting out finances is a minefield.

Well done to all of you. It's crazy hard sometimes x

@Diabetes123 I completely get how you are feeling x

weetabixandcrumpets

You sound just like me :( Its very hard isn't it? My youngest daughter who is 16 is refusing to speak to me as I have moved out and she feels abandoned and she's also very angry :( However I'm lucky that my oldest daughter who is 19 has been very supportive and understanding way beyond her years.

I moved out about 4 weeks ago now and I'm slowly learning to live on my own and yes sorting out finances is very stressful :(

How often are you seeing your son? Do you think you could work things out with your DH?

I am building up the courage to leave.
He has cheated on my several time’s, it makes me not want to be sexual with him. He is emotionally/ physically abusive & manipulative. I am always at fault every decision I make is wrong and I should hve always done what he said. But still I don’t leave because I strangely feel it is all my fault... and I can’t understand myself

Oh happyanonymous

This does not sound like a healthy relationship :( You deserve better :)

Hope you can find the strength to think of yourself and leave :)

@Diabetes123 No, in our case there is no going back. I just wish I'd done it a long time ago. Hindsight is brilliant, eh?
My ex has launched a sustained campaign of threats, guilt, love bombing, pleading...you name it. I have felt often very sad and it is taking some coming to terms with. Just because someone is a complete git and you shouldn't be together, doesn't mean there weren't some great times and there is a tendency to romanticise those and project feelings. (I would imagine him sitting alone after a hard day, in an empty house and having to get up and cook for DS, do his washing and face a lonely evening and I would just weep and weep). I helped myself by remembering that this almost certainly wasn't happening (DS was happily eating a burger, playing on his Xbox talking to his mates, whilst ex had his music too loud and was flirting with someone inappropriate and out of his league on Twitter!) . Also there were many, many times when we were together when I was very upset when he didn't give a damn. Times when I pleaded with him to change, tried to make things better and put my heart and soul into it all at a huge cost to me. We did have one session with Relate, but the counsellor saw me separately and said she was concerned for my safety due to the thoughts running through his head, so that wasn't altogether reassuring (although helpful). He sought individual counselling but it seemed to end up with the counsellor agreeing with everything and it being used as a controlling tool? (E.g My counsellor agrees that couples should never be on social media, or if they are, they should have joint accounts and access to each others messages and emails etc etc !!!)
Access was difficult at first. It was about 70/30 (in his favour) and DS was constantly getting messages from him about how much he missed him etc etc. Also a lot of changing arrangements at the last minute. Now it is 50/50 and DS is a lot more settled. I made a point of not bad mouthing his father (I had to swear in the bathroom a lot!) although I did calmly point out unacceptable behaviour. Staying calm, solid, rational, unhysterical, reliable, normal, supportive and all that has paid dividends. I only lost the plot once or twice! My DD is older and supportive.
My ex still uses the 'you've ruined the children's lives' as a stick to beat me with. It works.

@HappyAnonymous I used the 'If this happened to a friend/my daughter' rule, as I took a lot of crap and still manage to find a way to blame myself. I actually wrote down and saved on my computer a list of things and started it off with ' If DD came home and told me that her partner was …………..' , what would I say? My answer was that I would tell her to run for the hills. I then asked myself why I was less important and why that advice didn't apply to me. (Turns out it does). A friend also told me to stop minimising everything. (I know it's bad but at least he doesn't...etc). You are allowed to be upset and to get out and you deserve support, there isn't a minimum level of bad things that qualifies you.

Weetabixandcrumpet how long is it since you left?

Me and my OH have been together for 12 years and have 2 children 8 and 6. In July last year I split from him, then, in a moment of weakness, I took him back about 3 months ago. We agreed that we were going to take things slow and see where we went, but then coronavirus happened and we decided that he should isolate with me and the kids at my flat (his dad is high risk). Everything was going pretty well. He went back to work this week and has been away for the last 3 nights. He's sent me flowers and keeps telling me he's missed me, but I can't stop this horrible gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that I don't love him the same way. He's a genuinely lovely person, and he would literally do anything for me, but I'm just not happy. He's due home at 10pm tonight and I just don't know what to do. He's unaware that anything is wrong and I just don't want to break him again, but I can't love him the way he wants me to, and we worked so much better when we were split the first time. I'm so conflicted with what to do.