Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

I was asked to stop my individual counselling when we went to Relate as a couple. I had stopped, but had to go back to individual as I found Relate so traumatic!
It was our sessions at Relate that put me onto ADs!

We booked Relate in the past then cancelled them before attending because read so many bad reviews (including on MN). I guess it's pot luck, maybe depending on the area...

I looked for a therapist through this website before: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/adv-search.html

I’ve just told a local letting agent to put forward an offer on a rental property for 12 months. Gulp.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie wow!
That's great well done x

I don’t know why I clicked on here -except I do. So many stories and comments ring true. I don’t know what to do as I am not even in the UK and would have to stay here until the kids are older at least. I have no energy, v little money and independence. I feel like all the sacrifices I have made physically and mentally have been for nothing. I feel old and used and very very angry - but I still don’t know if Thisnis what I want

Cassandrainthenight I've just had a quick look at that book its very interesting. This is my problem you see I have never learned my boundaries :(

Do you think its possible to get the love back if you work on these things ie boundaries, behaviours etc?

Yes, I looked at that book, too. I think we’re too far gone to achieve anything there, although our son is asserting his boundaries with his father... and it seems to work.

Well done byebyemissamericanpie :) You got this :)

Bearski77 this is exactly how I felt.....until I told him how I felt and moved out a little over 3 weeks ago :(

For all of you who have had this whirling around in your head for years somehow you can and will find the inner strength you need to make yourself happy whether that is with or without your partner/DH. Believe me I never ever in a million years thought I would do it and to be honest I'm still reeling :(

Really You sound so very sad and unhappy I feel for you sending lots of hugs :) I really think now's the time to go with your gut instinct and what its telling you no matter how hard you need/deserve to be happy :)

Here for hugs ()

Hello All. Placemarking for now. X

Well I'm back! I've loved reading this thread. I'm in the strange position of having got back together with my ex (and father of dd) and now wobbling massively and thinking I've made a mistake. It's an awful, ridiculous situation. He is a lovely, lovely man, I've just never been happy with him but always felt guilty leaving such a lovely man. In the end I couldn't face forcing him to sell the flat we own together and only seeing dd 50% of the time so I convinced myself I'd be happy back again but I'm not. What a mess.

:( Valancyredfern poor you :(

Well if you're unhappy then you cant force it hunny. Could you talk to him?

I'm really fucked off with my brother tonight :( Apparently he and my sister in law and the kids have been over to see my DH and DD today (social distancing in the garden) and my brother says he hasn't been in touch with me as he doesn't want to say something he will regret as he's angry with me for the way I left! (so I told my DH in the morning and told the kids that same night and then left the next day. Yes it was quick and if I could do it over I probably would have done it differently but I was not in a good place at the time! Not sure why he's angry after all he doesn't know how I feel and what I was going through and he should be supporting me :(

Bloody families good job I have good friends!

It is a universal truth that WOMEN ARE BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING.

Recent research revealed bias against women runs at over 90% (of both males and females) and women are constantly blamed, particularly if they become victims.

So you might as well get used to it, and don't be surprised when all the fingers start pointing your way. Just another one of the huge injustices we have to bear.

Maybe you're right about Relate. Just had another session and it's not going anywhere.

@KedsAndTubeSocks - So sorry - want to elaborate?

Are you married? If so, he can't take all the money - he really can't!

Thanks AmericanPie.
The more sessions we do, the more I feel it's over. We're just poles apart.
Yes we're married.
I don't think we can afford two households plus school fees, and the DC would be devastated to leave their schools. Apologies if that's a bit 'diamond shoes,' I really don't lead a private school lifestyle; it's our only real 'luxury'. I know he won't leave if I ask him to, I just don't know what to do.

I did it
We had the conversation
Lots of tears
Not sure we have made final decisions but the words are out!
I feel so much better x

Well done TTGOOS. I'm glad you are feeling better.
Was he feeling the same as you?

Well done @takethegirloutofscotland. I'm glad you're making progress.
My STBXH has just threatened to quit his job, so he can 'take care of the children.'

If you’ve not already done so, I suggest you get some legal advice Keds. Then you’ll know the different scenarios and what it means for you.

I did, but then I put the lawyer on hold while we tried again. I'll email her on Monday. I really can't stand living in the same house as him much longer.

@takethegirloutofscotland well done.
@KedsAndTubeSocks agree, back to lawyers.
Also public schools are not bad.
Don’t let schooling dictate your future.

You may have seen my thread about moving, very reluctantly to say the least, to NZ with DH and our two primary age DC.

He bought me here by a combination of keeping me to a 'promise' I made 13 years ago and with lies about our financial position (he was being given 50% of the family business but there is no such plan).

I am utterly homesick and severely depressed (newly medicated), yet DH is angry that I am not making more of an effort and playing nicely - he means with his friends and family as I have made my own friends here.

He is also emotionally abusive, and I found out from my post who he is - Lundy Bancroft's 'Water Torturer' who will smirk and goad in arguments until I lose my shit and become a screaming banshee.
He disappeared for two weeks in lockdown and would not pick up the phone, he ignores my attempts to discuss why he lied, one minute he tells me I can take the kids home then says I can't, I can't get a job here and he controls his income, siphoning it off into a separate account for me to use for housekeeping but able to watch all my spending, especially now we can't use cash.

But his pièce de résistance was on my birthday when he told me, after drinking about 40 units of alcohol, that he realised the only reason he ever loved me was because I looked after him so well, and now I have stopped, he's off to have fun. After a 13 year relationship, 2 children and only 6 months in NZ. But he won't allow me to return.

I would throw him out today if I could only work out what to do financially. I can't work here unless I come up with a new career (not easy at 49, after 25 years in the same role, especially now post Covid and living in a geographical area that is awful for childcare and commuting). It's also one of the most expensive cities in the world to live in and I am not entitled to benefits.

I have had legal advice.

Welcome...
What legal advice were you given @Witchesandwizards?

takethegirloutofscotland Wow well done how did he take it? Have you discussed much in terms of moving forward?

I'm having a really bad time of things at the minute :( my brother is not speaking to me as he's angry that I have left in the middle of lockdown :( Not quite sure how this affects him directly but hey ho I haven't got the energy to confront him at the minute)!

I feel a bit depressed at the minute like I'm grieving but I'm happy being independent at the same time :( All of these emotions are so hard to separate.

Thank you @ByeByeMissAmericanPie
Bad news about the kids - can’t take them back without DH’s permission.
Better news about finances as it is likely I will get at least 70% of our joint assets because of our economic disparity.
However, while in London I could buy a house outright with this sum (albeit probably one that needs work), here I would still need a mortgage, and interest rates are higher than home and all other costs much higher.
I’ve estimated I will need about $4000/£2000 pcm for the basics and I can’t find a job.

In London we had paid off our mortgage on a 5 bed house and had total outgoings of £800 pcm ☹️

DH has trapped me somewhere where I can’t afford to live.
My emotions are currently veering between horror and anger.