Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@takethegirloutofscotland – I stayed in the house. It was my house and I was the one paying all the bills. Getting him out was a nightmare and took a lot of planning. He then decided to move away which, frankly, was just an excuse not to take any responsibility for anything.

I explained it to the children in very simple age-appropriate terms. That lots of mummies and daddies don’t live together. I asked them if they had any questions, and answered them honestly (in an age appropriate way). I told them they could ask me anything, any time, and that I would always give them an honest answer.

I never said a bad word about their father, even though he was a nightmare. It very wrong to bad mouth the absent parent and really messes with the kids’ heads.

Kids are amazingly adaptable and resilient, so long as they feel secure and loved.

@Diabetes123 - A friend of mine who went to Relate with her (now ex)H did something that really impressed me. She opened the first session by saying to the counsellor “I’m here to explore whether I want to remain in this marriage”. I thought she was brilliant for approaching it like that. By the second session she had made up her mind that there was no point in dragging out the inevitable.

Sicario thanks

I feel like a weight has been lifted off me tonight because I have made a decision which has been hanging over me for the past few weeks.

I will definitely make it clear that there are no guarantees it will work but importantly that we are willing to try :) I know it may/may not work but he was and still is the love of my life and I miss him terribly but I know I left for a reason and those reasons need to be made crystal clear! I am no fool and I'm not going to go back into it if I don't think it will work.

I suppose my situation is slightly different as no acute reason just sick of having my values undermined and being treated like a child :( So yes he is going to have to change and who knows whether that is possible. I suppose it depends how much he wants it to work :)

Wish me luck :)

@Sicario thanks for your reply
I am confident that I can communicate with my kids so not too worried.
@Diabetes123 I'm considering counselling too but to help me leave and to help him realise I am done!!
I'm feeling emotional and crap tonight 1 too many wines and an absolute resolution that life is too fucking short to feel the way I do!
I wish I was this brave in the morning xx

Good luck with counselling. It does work for many people.

We did Relate for about 10-12 sessions... I didn’t like the counsellor and despite me explaining that I felt frightened and unsafe at times with my H... on my 1-2-1 with the counsellor and again when we were both there... he definitely thought I was going through a midlife crisis.

It was the dingiest shabby room with no window and it stank... I still have nightmares. Urgh.

Counselling can be helpful. Also therapy, individually. Pat Craven, the creator of the Freedom Programme, has written extensively about learned behaviours. It's quite eye-opening. I think that many men find it hard to revise their behaviours and their ideas of what they think a marriage is. Anger management too is a regular issue.

A very short article appeared in New York magazine way back in 1971 by a woman called Judy Syfers, entitled "I want a wife". Reading it again now, some 30 years after it was written, shows that not a lot has changed. Except even more is expected of women now.

www.thecut.com/2017/11/i-want-a-wife-by-judy-brady-syfers-new-york-mag-1971.html

Women get a really rough deal still. A successful marriage is about teamwork, respect and equitable partnership.

I've contacted our local relate today
I'm going to arrange some counselling for myself and then for us both!!
I'm thinking part of my guilt will be resolved if I feel I have done everything!
I hope it will help us separate well as I am under no illusion counselling will change the way I feel or what I actually know I want long term x
Any one else been for counselling how did it go??

@Sicario
That was a great article. Another sleepless night ahead for me whilst he lies in a drunken stupor. He was huffing and puffing for a while as I hadn't provided him with a meal since Friday night. I'm Not his mother, he's 52 and can cook I think he just expects it to be my duty, especially when he is drunk. I caved in and made him something to eat and his sandwiches for work tomorrow. What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I let him make me feel guilty about not feeding him? Especially when he cracked open his first can of beer at half four this afternoon. All I'm doing is sleeping during the day. Can't work out if its the heat, depression or just plain laziness. I can hear his words ringing in my ears since last time the 'food/cooking' debate was raised. "If you cared about me as much as I care about you then you make make the effort. It's not much to ask is it? "
FMactualL 😔

@Sicario - That article! Wow... Just wow. Speechless.

Pat Craven is v good. Patricia Evans also.

@Deran76 I hope you managed to get some sleep
I'm sorry your husbands behaviour sounds horrible for you and dc to live with
Do you have anyone you can speak to for support?

@Sicario how old were your kids at the time of your split?
Mine are 10/12 so old enough to understand a good bit
But also old enough I think to be potentially really upset
I have always been honest and open with them which I would intend to be through any separation just unsure my h would manage to be the same. His filter with kids is not great

Mine were 1 and 2.

Hi all, I am in the same position although some things are more complicated. Please don't underestimate how crap this will make you feel and how your self esteem really takes a battering. Just wanted to say I'm reading a good book at the moment that is really helping me. Carol.A.Lambert Women with Controlling Partners. I have it on my kindle so he doesn't see it. Also Stephanie Lyn on YouTube is worth taking a look at she is very listenable.
Good luck to you all and please take care. X

@Zazu44 welcome
I don't underestimate that feeling just dread feeling and dealing with it!
I've decided to try counselling (just need to tell him) to see if we can at least separate in a kind and compassionate way. I really don't hate him in fact he is one of the good ones just not right for me at this time in my life and I'm coming to terms with that being ok!!!!!
How long have you been separated?
Do you have kids!? X

Hi all

I have also contacted marriage counselling today and been put on the waiting list :(

I'm starting some individual counselling tomorrow night via zoom so hopefully that will help :)

I feel so crap at the minute, my youngest one is making me feel like the worst mother in the world :( The latest message was I am delusional, I am self centred and selfish and to leave her alone :( I'm honestly at my wits end with her she's got my head battered :(

Shit shit day at work too on zero sleep, god help me :(

Takethegirloutofscotland and everyone else on this thread lets give as much support as we can to each other. I'm here for hugs ()

@Diabetes123 I'm sorry you've had a crap day at work and feel down!!
Good for you with counselling I've approached a local service too
You can do this!
your daughter will come round remember for her this is her whole life!! Give her time and she will remember all the reasons you love her and her you!!
I drank beer and got sunburnt in the garden today ☀️☀️☀️
I loved it

Thanks takethegirloutofscotland

Sounds like you've had a lovely day its been a scorcher :) I'm pleased you've sourced some counselling it will give you a chance to sort through your emotions. I'm doing a zoom chat with one tomorrow night but the relationship counselling are so busy they've put us on a waiting list :( What does that say about the current state of marriages!

She's just bloody infuriating......a bit like her father stubborn til the day is long :( I've decided I'm just gonna leave her for now. I figure she's put the wall up and only she can bring it down!

Anyways I have a glass of wine, crap tv and hopefully bed to sleep :( Bloody sick of not sleeping properly doing me head in :(

Hey everyone how are you all!
Another day of sunshine feeing braver by the day
Hope you are all enjoying the sunshine xx

Hey takethegirloutofscotland

I've had my first counselling session tonight :) Was very good she got me down to a t!

Feel very upset and exhausted tonight but I know its what I need :) I've booked another session next week :)

Hey how are you all today?
@Diabetes123
I'm thinking of counselling too
I think it will help me clear my mind and help him realise I am serious and reduce some of my guilt as I will feel i am trying
However I think I am past counselling
Back to taking the brave pills
Hope you are managing to enjoy some sunshine all!!
☀️☀️

@Sicario
I wonder if it's easier when the kids are younger!
They know nothing else
I know that I will always make sure my kids are ok so they will be! I've got great friends and family who I am confident will support me despite being sad and disappointed
I saw something on line today I'll try and post it spoke to me!

I was so broke I remember hoping the kids would leave a couple of fish fingers uneaten. Having to put stuff back in the supermarket. Having to sell the furniture.

That was the cost of taking my life back.

It was worth every penny.

@Sicario I've read so many threads on here about people not regretting it!
I've also decided I'm going to talk to my mum tomorrow
She left my dad with 3 kids under 5 and whilst he was a t**t she also said she couldn't bare the thought of us all growing up and leaving and being left with him
I'm hoping she understands her support will mean so much to me x

Me too.
Can I ask about counseling? What sort of counseling is it? We are doing relate together, but I think I might need individual counseling too. Do I get that from relate as well?
To be honest, I think I haven't divorced him yet because I know he will take all my money, and turn my DS against me. Im only staying because I'm too scared to leave.

Hi everyone

Hope you are all well

takethegirloutofscotland :( I think counselling is a very good idea individual and couples :) Mine was brilliant last night and really helped to ease my guilt :) We are starting relate on Tuesday :) I'm sure your mum will understand she's your mum :)

Sicario You are a very brave and strong woman :)

Kedsandtubesocks Money has no value on your happiness. I would seek individual counselling separately from relate just to try and segregate them to be honest.

I've seen my eldest daughter tonight so I'm very happy and positive tonight and I've decided to buy myself a new car :) go me :):):)

Hello everybody, I've been going through similar to many of you for years and nearly split up several times in the last several years (16 years married, eldest from the previous marriage and 9 and 5 year olds).

We are looking at various ways to at least try a separation, but in the meantime I've been reading loads just to see what I could change about my reactions to DH, since hoping your partner would change fundamentally is pretty futile I think. However I realised a lot of problems and mutual frustration comes from miscommunication rather from intentionally trying to hurt one another's feelings. I was looking at books by Patricia Evans as recommended on mumsnet, and decided it's not really for me because seems to really encourage this victim mentality.

Though DH had been verbally abusive over the years and financially he's very anxious which makes life difficult we are mostly past that and I just didn't feel that constantly thinking of him as the bad guy was doing ME any favours either, so in one of the reviews of Patricia Evans I found recommendations to other relationship mentors, I checked out only one of them, Jack Ito, and found him really helpful. He's a psychotherapist but also a life coach so his approach is slightly different from other counsellors. He's also a Christian but he doesn't shove it down your throat :)

I downloaded his book on Audible (via free trial on Amazon) and want to buy his other book, but his website is full of helpful resources too, though he obviously tries to get you to hire him to coach(he's in USA anyway), still, he helped me to see where I've been going wrong since I can't do much about where DH has been going wrong. Especially when it comes to boundaries in my case...
I thought even if we separate/divorce we'll be connected for years because DH would want to have the kids 50% of the time where possible...I'd rather have as healthy relationship with him as possible.

this is one of the links to the website, there's loads more in the 'learning' section. I know it might not be applicable to many of you, but maybe would help somebody as it helped me
coachjackito.com/blog/get-hubands-respect/