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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Building up courage to leave - support thread

412 replies

myotherface · 19/05/2020 10:06

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

OP posts:
justkeepmovingon · 06/06/2020 09:13

This thread is giving me so much support just lurking and reading and knowing I'm not alone.

So many things going on in my life right now, health issues, work, relationship, hormones I can't even work out who I am anymore. Oh and the pandemic isn't helping!

I feel the most lost I ever have, like I'm looking for something? But it's 100% not a man.

I've been on airb&b this week and found a few cottages for rent, I'm thinking mid August I'm going to leave for 10 days -2 weeks and just tell DH I want to be left alone, see if my DS will come with me as well, I just want a break.

I've looked at normal rentals but I can't afford this area where I'd need to be for schools etc so I'm stuffed as the rent plus rates, telecoms etc are just not even in budget plus the furniture? How does anyone do it?

@Diabetes123 big hugs, how are you doing?

For me the issue I have is just the total lack of spark, fun, respect, love it's such a dead marriage, I can't even face the though of having sex with him ever again it's been 4 years anyway but the thought of it just makes me feel awful, I managed to get him into a spare room back at Christmas and that's been bliss I get my space, I can drink my coffee and type on Mumsnet without him next to me.

I just really don't want him near me. But then I keep making plans that create the opposite situation, it's like I know I need to leave but I keep sabotaging my own escape with longer term commitments, does anyone else find themselves doing that?

Diabetes123 · 06/06/2020 09:48

weetabixandcrumpets

Thank you :) She messages all the time asking if I'm ok and I tell yes even though sometimes (like today) I'm not great :( I just feel she doesn't need to be my support she's I need to be hers :)

I have been awake most of the night with a bad migraine so think I'll just take it easy today feel awful :( probably stress :(

justkeepmovingon I get your lack of spark, fun etc I felt exactly the same and eventually the lid came off! I'm not gonna lie its bloody hard but I have huge support from my friends and family so I'm just about managing to cope :(

What long term commitments are stopping you?

MrsR1216 · 06/06/2020 10:29

So glad to have found this thread.

I’m really struggling to build up the courage to leave, but I know I need to.

Been together for 13 years, married 3 and have 3DC. H has had a series of encounters with women online/via phone, far too many to count.

The first I knew of this was 2015 when I was pregnant with DD2 and I found dating sites, catfishing, phone sex, photos etc. (you get the gist) on his phone after I’d been out for the day.

Fast forward to Dec 2019 and we’re away for a night. I get too drunk and he says I’ve lead him on all night about having sex when we get back to the hotel - probably not wrong! When back he tries to rape me (he’s never done anything like this before and I don’t think he would again). He storms out and contacts prostitutes in the local area. He’s adamant none of them picked up the phone and he didn’t go through with it.

This prompted me to look at what else he had been doing, found he’d been doing exactly the same as before with the dating sites, KiK, phone sex - just with AW thrown in the mix this time. It’s goes back for years so probably never stopped.

Last week I found out he’s been messaging a local woman and also had paid for stuff on AW which he’d previously denied.

I just can’t trust him and I need to go but I just don’t want to let DC down. Its taken me 6 months of therapy to even be able to tell him I want to end the relationship but he won’t leave the house, makes me feel guilty/tells me not to leave/he loves me etc. and I don’t have anywhere to go with the DC.

Can see this being a long drawn out process and I just feel like there’s no easy way out but seeing all the posts on here has given me a little boost that I can and will get there in the end.

Weetabixandcrumpets · 06/06/2020 11:10

@MrsR1216 That sounds dreadful. You do deserve better, and I can't imagine anyone not supporting you in this. Yes, regardless of how much of an utter arse he is, you will feel guilt, the DC will be disrupted and it will be hard...but not forever, and it may well result in a better, happier, healthier life for you and your DC, giving them far more than you would existing in this very toxic relationship.

@justkeepmovingon I also thought it would be impossible. Lots and lots of debt and no money. There is always a way. Have you looked at benefits you would be entitled to, is there anyone who could lend you enough for initial rent?

@Diabetes123 You are going through a hard time. Be kind to yourself. Try and give yourself a day off from the guilt, you need your strength and everyone deserves a break. What can you do that makes you feel a bit better today? The world doesn't have to be conquered all at once...can you curl up on the sofa with a good film/book and a cake? Smile

Good luck everyone. We've got this!

justkeepmovingon · 06/06/2020 11:10

@Diabetes123 I'm glad you have support I know I will too, I have so many lovely friends who would all help me.

Planning is being done for the house, breeding our dog, payments on cars, just long term plans that I keep putting in place thinking it will get better, maybe something new maybe something fun.. I keep doing it. I have operations as well that mean I need support, but I'm just using all of this to mask being miserable and to keep busy 🤦‍♀️

justkeepmovingon · 06/06/2020 11:14

@Weetabixandcrumpets I hadn't considered benefits as I earn good money myself just live in a very expensive area, it would have to be sell the family home to move forward 100% then I'd be able to buy a 3 bed with a small mortgage. I've seen a few I'd love on rightmove and get excited but then think it's such a long way off.

But I just want to move out for a while. To have some space I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

HappyAnonymous · 06/06/2020 12:26

@MrsR1216 how did you find out about dating sites kik etc? & you definitely deserve more xxx
I had exactly the same situation I was pregnant with my daughter & he cheated on me with a girl from pof- he did the same thing the year after. He manipulated me into staying with him. He stays up every night till 3 o’clock and stays in bed until 3 o’clock the next day I hve no doubts he is still doing the same thing.

MrsR1216 · 06/06/2020 12:50

@HappyAnnonymous I really feel for you, it just feels so much worse when pregnant Flowers I went through every inch of his phone whilst he was asleep after being on nights. This was after I found an email accidentally for a specific website for affairs - found he was arranging to meet a local woman on there. He still protests he hasn’t physically cheated on me and I don’t think I’ll ever know! How did you end up finding out? I think he’s knows I’m vulnerable when pregnant and will end up forgiving him because I’m scared to be alone. I also went through his phone bill (our contracts are shared on one account hence me having access) after coming across the numbers for escorts - there was a 40 min conversation with someone at 2am whilst he was on nights so I rang her - she was from pof so highlighted that it wasn’t just AW that he was using.

You definitely deserve more too and obviously from my experience he hasn’t changed, if anything he’s got worse and uses fake emails to hide everything. He said to me I’ll never know if he’s doing it again or not because he can just set up another email/use a private browser or a vpn so I would just have to trust him.

HappyAnonymous · 06/06/2020 13:24

I do not get chance to go through his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, to the toilet, to walk the other side of the room etc & he doesn’t sleep properly. I really want to see what’s going on.
I will never trust him again for the same reason he will just be using private browser & deleting & redownloding app's. I wish I could get a private detective x

Diabetes123 · 06/06/2020 19:37

Hi Girls

I'm really struggling tonight have done nothing but cry all day. Not sure I can live with the guilt (sounds dramatic) but the way I have felt today has just about tipped me over the edge :(

My head has been banging all day and tonight my anxiety is through the roof :(

takethegirloutofscotland · 06/06/2020 20:55

@Diabetes123
I'm so sorry you are having a rough day

Please remember guilt is a pointless and unhelpful emotion that we all have to learn to sit with
Remember the feelings that made you do what you've done And think of the happy times ahead of you which may feel far off but are getting closer and closer
I hope you can have some peace tonight and feel better in the morning xx xx

justkeepmovingon · 06/06/2020 22:44

@Diabetes123 so guilt because you have made the move? What's changed today.

Big hugs here, I'm currently sat in my bath and have been for 2 hours on my phone avoiding the room my DH is in because I simply can't stand being in the space with him.

I wish I knew how to help you, all I'll say is pointless stuff like curl up and drink a tea and try and get to sleep and start again tomorrow.

I really don't think the weather is helping either I feel Lower this weekend and I'll sure it's the rain.

Weetabixandcrumpets · 06/06/2020 22:51

@Diabetes123 Hang in there. Sometimes some sleep puts things back into perspective. Try not to let the bad thoughts in. Recognise them and tell yourself you are strong and you are not going to let them get you down. Then try and distract or think of something positive.

Hugs to you all. It won't be like this forever.

Bigblue1970 · 06/06/2020 23:29

Hi everyone, please can I join? I could really do with some help too.

I never thought I would feel this way about my DH as I fought so hard to win him off the woman he was having an affair with. I now look back and despise myself for being so pathetic and desperate. I wish he had left.

Together 15 years, married for 13 and one school aged child together (older kids with other partners). Both aged 49.

The truth is, he damaged the relationship too much and even though I love him, I hate what he did and how he destroyed it all. The OW lurked for a long time, even though he had ended it but it caused me so much anxiety that I lost myself. Before it happened I felt strong and liked who I was. I need to find me but I am scared of making a mistake. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else but I can't face more years of this torture.

My biggest issue is that my DH has major MH issues and I know he will use it to make me feel guilty. He even managed to use it as an excuse for the affair and so I never had the chance to be angry. It's always him that is suffering more. I honestly feel like screaming. How can I ever do this? X

takethegirloutofscotland · 07/06/2020 09:26

@Diabetes123 hope you are feeling better today!
The sun is shining here which always helps!

Having read through this thread one thing I find really interesting is that we all feel the guilt of leaving a marriage
My relationship is not abusive and no affairs etc I thought it would be easier to leave if there was that it would give my feelings validity however reading through here it appears no matter what goes on the guilt and fear are what stop us or make it difficult

I wish I knew how we as women shift that guilt
What is there really to feel guilty about
Our feelings which we have no control over changing, wanting happiness, wanting better for ourselves ( which I think ultimately will make our kids happier too)
Why are we so conditioned to feel that we should put up with relationships that don't fulfill us and put everyone before ourselves
Xx

Stegasaurusmum · 07/06/2020 12:28

Can I join? 18 years together, 13 years married.

So many stories on here resonate with me. I've had the conversation, just over 2 months ago. Was horrible. He's devastated, although not surprised. I sometimes have to pinch myself as it doesn't feel real.
So many similiar stories, a slow decline. 10 years ago I posted on mumsnet, and since, complaining about his unhelpfulness around the house. How I felt resentful. Then we had children, it got worse, whilst trying for our son I remember thinking that I wasn't surprised it was taking ages as we'd barely had sex. I posted again to reply to someone about their poor marriage. Bickering, seething resentment..

I have always had my head turned by other men throughout the relationship. Sounds awful I know, I feel horrible shame for it, but I think I was just constantly looking for that connection. Found it with a colleague 6 years ago, nothing ever happened but we just clicked. Then late year we both made our feelings known. So after a horrible period of trying to avoid him, blocking him, etc, I finally realised, after counselling on my own and with DH that it's not going away.
Everyone will think I'm mad. He's, to the outside world, an excellent father, hardworking, calm, kind, good fun. etc
But he drinks, and the times he's fun, he's drinking. He's depressed (more so now) and can be silent and barely interested in the children or me. He doesn't know how to interact with them naturally and left everything up to me, including all the driving. He started to do more, but it's tailed off now, always does.
But its not all been bad, there's been times when we've had loads of fun, but usually the odd night away, the days out with the kids. More often though it's been me making the effort, him being silent, no communicative... Then me being catty and resentful.
We are more like friends, but to be honest I have more fun with my friends. We had a fairly routine sex life, but it was that, routine, like a chore that needed to be done.
I'm staying in the house, tied in to a mortgage for 2 years, which makes it affordable for me. It's a big house and I'm daunted by the prospect of affording everything, but it's going to be just OK. He's renting, which he hates, but has just accepted a house and is due to go end of this month. It's going to cost a fortune to furnish it, needs everything....hes not one to scrimp or take secondhand. He'll spend the money, I know he will.

My guilt is through the roof but I know it's all for the best. I feel so responsible for him, so selfish for breaking up our family, even though I know he's been unhappy for years too.
I'm just trying to get through this month, the weekends are the worst. I'm wfh and he's at work, so it's bearable.

Telling the children next. I feel like I just get my head around one thing then something else comes up and I have a massive wobble, keep questioning myself. I do think I'm doing the right thing, but it's so hard.

Diabetes123 · 07/06/2020 13:18

Hi everyone

So on top of everything else I have now hurt my back and can barely move :( No sleep again last night and the anxiety is getting worse :(

Anybody got any advice for dealing with the anxiety?

MaybeKatie · 07/06/2020 13:41

I haven't read many replies yet but I feel like if I don't comment now I won't do it.

I actually came on to the relationships board to start a thread like this. It's both comforting and depressing to find there's one already and so many women have commented.

I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for 10. We have two kids.

I literally only realised he was abusive a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks before that he'd talked to me about his dad and how abusive he was/is (we're currently living with PIL and it was after I'd witnessed an argument between DH and FIL). I agreed - I've always thought as much, anyway.

But the next 'argument' we had DH did to me everything he'd described his dad doing to him, his siblings and his mum (shouting at me while I just sat and cried, clearly using his larger stature to intimidate etc.). It happening so soon after the conversation about his dad suddenly opened my eyes.

But there's nothing I can do right now. I'm an autistic SAHM to two autistic kids. I have no income of my own except what I get for the kids (Child Benefit and DLA) and my Carer's Allowance. Even at the best of times I'd struggle to get a job that worked around the boys' school day (we live out of area for the school so I have to drive them to and from) but with the current situation it's pretty much impossible.

I don't know how or when I'll be able to leave. I'm certainly not about to tell him it's over while we live with his parents and I have nowhere else to go. It will almost certainly take years and that's a really depressing thought.

Weetabixandcrumpets · 07/06/2020 16:00

It is interesting, yes, that we are all experiencing guilt regardless of the circumstances.

I think it is a good idea to focus on why we have walked away in the first place. @Diabetes123 , I can see the guilt and anxiety is overwhelming, but you didn't leave just because you fancied a place to yourself. There were deep rooted reasons. Write them down, think about why they were important. If you consider going back how does it make you feel? (Also take pain killers, try warm water, keep moving and contact your GP in the morning!)

Try and focus on the positive. It is very likely that sunnier times are ahead. Keep going x

Diabetes123 · 07/06/2020 20:14

Thank you so much weetabixandcrumpets

Actually I've been meaning to write everything down just to give me a bit of clarity. I have my first counselling session in the morning so I'm hoping I will feel better after that :)

To consider going back is a complete no no even though I miss my kids like crazy :(

I have got some painkillers but they don't seem to be doing anything :( I've been feeling really sick the last couple of days too not sure if its just a migraine, tension or anxiety (probs a bit of all three) :(

taketheigirloutofscotland you are completely right why should we feel guilty for trying to make ourselves happy :( however we are still in society as the ones who should stay no matter what :(

Stegasarusmum and maybekatie be kind to yourself sending big hugs :)

Cassandrainthenight · 08/06/2020 13:29

@Diabetes123,

Your DH is probably talking to somebody who is giving him advice too, and judging by what's been happening with me, things change so many times! He asks to give you space, three days later he gets back in touch because he misses you, then he withdraws to protect himself from pain again and so on and so forth. Don't take each daily change as some kind of earthquake, it's all very fluid and everyone's feelings will change lots of times, you need to keep it in mind and not take every new development to heart.

Maybe only your younger teenager will stay in this black and white mode for a while because that's what teenagers do. I was 16, on the cusp of 17 when my Dad left, it was different because he had an affair etc, and even though he was a great DF and raised us more than DM, or was way closer to us in our childhood, for me in my teenage mind he was written off because of his behaviour and affairs etc.

Of course years later I realised affairs were just a symptom of an unhappy and unfulfilled life (he left the OW very quickly) which he was trying to run away from in any way he could/knew how.

Maybe talk to your councillor about how you could best approach your DD2, maybe write a letter, or maybe your DD1 can say a few words to her, to the effect that both parents are human and both trying to do the best they can with the resources they have, and DD2 doesn't need to take sides. Maybe you could even approach your DH to talk to DD2 about it?

But ultimately don't pressure her and don't feel offended. At this age you wouldn't be spending that much time with them anyway, and at 13 they start rapidly pulling away from parents, and in a family who all live together you'd only see them normally at dinner(if they are not out at activities)/family holidays and given the choice a regular 13 year old wouldn't suddenly choose to spend prolonged periods one on one with any parent, it would feel weird if there's no particular reason to do so!
What she'd have to do if she were to see you, it would be slightly artificial, so she might be resisting because of that really. Or be worried there might be heart-to-heart talking which she is not at all equipped or ready to do. By 19 as your DD1 they already begin the natural pull back to parents, so it's different for her, plus she's out of that super categorical teenage phase by now(hopefully).

And definitely definitely don't take it personally if your DD1 remembers she wants to have a day out with her mate, they can't replace your friendships, they are your kids! It's great that she is able to tell you that without any fear that you are going to collapse into a heap! They are not there to make you happy, you are there to make yourself happy and then share your happiness with them, to rely or use them as crutches while you are down would serve all of you badly.

Concentrate on sorting yourself out through counselling and anything else you can think of, new friendships, activities, exercise, new knowledge etc (I know easier said than done with the lockdown and your job and hurting back but all of it it's not forever)
Download Duolingo and start learning a new language or something :)

As for the children, see if you could organise with DH's help some kind of easy activity outside the house, where they both come and DD2 knows there would be no heavy talking/tears/drama, maybe when cafes are open meet at a cafe, go to the cinema, something like that, where she's not fearing you'd fling yourself all over her with tears etc...she needs to know you are measured and patient...

Try to develop the attitude of "I'd be damned if I'd be sitting here and feeling sorry for myself!". Identify what you want, what the obstacles are in the way of reaching it and get down to getting rid of the obstacles. Good luck!

Diabetes123 · 08/06/2020 17:35

cassandrainthenight Thank you so much :) Everything you have said makes perfect sense. I has my first counselling session this morning which made me think I need to take things at my own pace and allow the process of separation to take place.

Today has been a better day apart from the agony of my back but I've managed to get some different painkillers so I'm hoping they will ease the pain a bit. My brother and sister have been to see me today which was nice. My brother just hugged and hugged me and just kept saying you will be okay he was lush.

Yeah I think you're completely right about it being artificial and I think she would find it difficult in her own head to have heart to heart talking at the minute! She's never been the most empathetic of kids to be honest so I imagine this is really difficult for her to process.

My eldest daughter is trying to talk to her as is my DH and I'm hoping that if she sees us all being amicable and my eldest daughter being in contact/seeing me she will come round :)

I think if anything at the minute I'm just gonna take each day as it comes, be kind to myself, see my friends as much as I can so I'm not on my own dwelling and obviously I have my job which is pretty full on and I don't get that much time off from it so I have a good distraction in that.

Thank you for your advice I hope that you are okay and that you are moving forward too :) x

Weetabixandcrumpets · 08/06/2020 20:07

Glad the counselling went well @Diabetes123 and yes, brilliant advice @cassandrainthenight.

I know I have a long way to go, but I sometimes look at how far I've come and feel a funny mix of proud and traumatised. Brew

Diabetes123 · 09/06/2020 18:51

Thoughts ladies

I'm thinking of sending my daughters a small gift to let them know I am thinking of them. Good idea or not?

takethegirloutofscotland · 09/06/2020 22:23

I think a great idea @Diabetes123 doesn't have to be much but keeps the lines of communication open and lets her know you are thinking about them
We had our first counselling session tonight was very interesting and I am looking forward to the rest of our sessions
My DH still thinks we can save our relationship I'm not so sure we can xx xx