So confused

[Spain1]

I just said to my husband that we can't go on like this & he just said oh leave me alone & walked away. We are together 28 years married 22 & in separate rooms 10 years. I don't understand how he can be happy living like this but he has no interested in solving the situation one way or another - very confusing.

Well I think you have your answer 🙄

Start divorce proceedings.

Sounds like he gave up ten years ago. Out of interest, do you do the lions share of the housework? If so, why would he want to 'fix things'. He has a free maid.

Do you want to be living with him the next twenty, thirty, even forty odd years you have left? I'd bet not. So why are you hanging around?

He's checked out, hasn't he?

How do you think you'd feel if you lived apart?

What's your financial and home situation like?

I have I went to a solicitor 6 months ago. She sent one letter which he didn't open & nothing since. I phoned, emailed etc & was told that they would contact me when there was an update. I actually changed solicitors last week to try & get things moving. It's so frustrating that the legal system is so slow. How are you meant to live like this in the meantime?

You need to take different action if he's not responding to solicitor's messages.

Do you work? Do you have young children?

Yes I do the all of the house work, work fulltime, earn twice what he earns & look after the children. I think I am so worn down I can't think straight.

@madcatladyforever is totally right! Perhaps might get him talking then

What different actions can I take? Yes 3 children. Yes I work fulltime hard done for the last 30 years. He has said that he is staying for financial reasons but I can't understand someone who doesn't need more than that.

How do you reply to someone on a thread or tag someone to answer them directly?

Do you own your house or is it rented ?

Do you want to stay there with the kids or move out ?

He’s not a SAHP is he ?

Hmm, don't think the legal system was the problem, so much as your solicitor, thank goodness you finally found a new one. Don't sit back and wait for this one to get moving. Are your finances separate? If not, start protecting your earnings now. Do for you and the kids, leave him to sort himself out. Start getting the kids involved in cleaning, tidying their own stuff.

I can't my head around moving out of the house & how I would get the children to come with me. 16, 15 & 9.

You need to stop trying to understand him and work out what you what and how to get it.

Also who owns the house? I'd be tempted to kick him out.

Do you own your house ? Can you afford the mortgage on your own ?

I hope he is at least contributing half towards the Bills? Or by 'financial reasons' does he mean: because you par for everything?

Either way: tell him to get the fuck out.

If he wont go, you leave. The kids are old enough to decide who they want to stay with. Likely they will ultimately choose mum. Especially when they realise he will do sod all for them.

sound like neither one of you have the initiative or gumption to do what it takes.
i take it you want a divorce, want to separate. if so do up your finances and plan to move.
what's stopping you?
the children are not very young and probably will go between both.

We own two houses in joint names. I would like to sell both & buy my own house with no connection to him. He is self employed so never at home but contributes very little. It's like getting blood out of a stone. He basically covers himself. I think Odette has hit the nail on the head I just can't understand how someone you met at 20 can behave like this. He is very controlling, bad tempered, threatening so I am finding it hard to break away. Fear controlled me for a long time but not anymore. I'm 48 so I am more together now.

He won't leave he runs his business from here. You are all so right. He is a nasty piece of work & only out for himself. I wish he would just leave. Yes I can afford the mortgage on my own. Thankfully I have a good job & have never relied on him financially. I can't understand what is stopping me but I think it's fear.

Financial reasons he maintains he can't afford to pay for a place of his own. I can't lie it does hurt to get treated so badly by someone you have been so good too.

Move to the other house for the time being and consult a solicitor about divorce and house sales.

He's a horrible person. The sooner you get out from under the same roof as him the better. You'll be able to think clearer.

Could you go for some counselling ( on your own of course )? Might help you work out your feelings and the best way to separate.

He sounds like a nasty bully.

We have tenants in the other The lease is up at the beginning of August.

I have been going to a psychotherapist to give me strength to keep going. I found her very good. Thankfully I have been told that I am a normal person dealing with an abnormal situation. Thankfully I have no feelings except hurt & disbelief. How do you tell the boys that you are moving out? He is a nasty bully & has always been. I have been through an awful lot with him. We found his birth Mother a few years ago & she rejected him that's when he got alot worse totally disconnected.