So confused

[Spain1]

I just said to my husband that we can't go on like this & he just said oh leave me alone & walked away. We are together 28 years married 22 & in separate rooms 10 years. I don't understand how he can be happy living like this but he has no interested in solving the situation one way or another - very confusing.

Sounds like he's living off you and building up his empire as you said op.

I'd push ahead with divorce and force a house sale via the courts. I'd speak to a solicitor about what changes should you move out and how the affects mortgage payments etc

I think I'd spend some of that money on a short term rental for you and the kids, and then I'd go all out with a divorce. Don't re-let your house in August, unless you want to sell it as a going concern.

Thank you again for your advice & taking the time to help me. I'm still frightening of him because I know what he's capable of. My plan is to push a house sale through the courts. I really feel unless I go the legal route he will just ignore me as he has been doing. He is an absolutely nasty piece of work but claims innocence. He says he doesn't know what I'm on about. He has done so much against my will over the years I wouldn't know where to start & he completely ignores my wishes, opinions or rights. I feel I need the strength of the law to support me in doing this. I just wish I didn't waste 6 months with the first solicitor. Please God the next lady is more efficient or I don't know what I will do.

Be up front with your new solicitor ask her for time frames and what the process is that you have to follow etc so you know what to expect, when to chase etc.

Again threats from him call the police - you can honestly state he has threatened you, you are terrified and he has been violent to you (& the Dc?) before

Thank you random mess. I have asked the time frame & cost. I was told at least two years & at a cost of 10 to 11 thousand. I am hoping my new solicitor moves things along more quickly. She has requested my file off the first solicitor. I have asked to start from scratch just to get things moving.

Hopefully the time frame has been broken down into all the steps? That's what you need.

It does sound like moving into your other property would be advisable, is it local to the DS' school and everything?

No unfortunately not I will ask for that.

Yes the other property is near my work, schools everything. What puts me off it is that I think he will arrive over & Lord it there too. He has no boundaries.

If he threatens you or turns up at your rental property, ting the police.

Change the locks on it to make it secure after it having tenants in it. If he kicks off you can apply for an occupation order.

Meanwhile I would investigate grounds for getting one anyway.

Once locks are changed he would have to take you to court or force entry which is illegal even though he is part owner. As you are not depriving him of his home I would do this and risk getting told off by courts etc.

Thank you for the advice. Now all I need to do is get my head around it all.

Can you ask him to move in the other property in August? As you are afraid of him could that be used as leverage to get him out. Then once he's out you can try and sort out finances and divorce.

Hmm, maybe wise to rent a little place of your own. That way you dont have to wait till August and if he shows up and tries to mosey his way in you can call the police as he has no right to be there.

You could even go to the police about historical violence and other things he has done. Then hopefully get some sort of restraining order.

He won't move out because he runs his business from here. He would never be that obliging. I am in the small spare room & he is in the main double ensuite bedroom & I think that symbolises alot. I am going to contact my solicitor again & talk to her about moving to a private rental. Should I be trying to talk on him or should I just let the law do the work for me? I know I am waiting for his agreement or some sort of communication & I know I shouldn't waste my time.

Don't bother telling him anything.
You could probably start flat hunting yourself (if they are out of lockdown yet). Then when you secure a place, pack up in the night and leave :) you don't have to tell him squat.

Also sounds like you might benefit from reading up on narcissists? Melanie tonia Evan's does some good YouTube videos. Think she had two assholes like that in her life, and got free.

Just dont let him know you are learning this stuff obv.

Imagine the look on his face, when he hears the front door slam at 4am, goes out onto the lawn in his jammies, only to eat car tail dust as you speed away into the horizon and freedom xD

You need to weigh up the likelihood of finding a suitable rental quickly versus waiting for yours to become available in August - what if they don't move out?

No harm in looking and seeing what is out there?

If you can afford it, I would go the rental route and tell him the other property will be up for sale after August. That way he has no right whatsoever to be on your rented property and it can be closer to what you need in terms of size. When the other house is sold you can hopefully stretch to buy a more suitable place for you pending sale of the main family home?

Incidentally I think what you need might be a counsellor who can teach you to assert yourself in exiting this relationship - the law won't do this for you. It feels as though you are waiting for the courts to make the decisions on your breakup, and it may be that ultimately it will take a court order to get him out of the main family home...BUT there is an awful lot you can start to influence here.

Let go of your resentment at having to be the one to move out. This is a long game. It will take a while to resolve housing but the best thing for you is that you take step 1 to indicate the marriage is over and that means no longer being under the same roof.

Just let the law do the speaking for you. He's already said on several occasions he won't discuss it. Let him come to you if he decides he wants to talk when he realises you're serious.

Wherever you move install a ring doorbell so you can see who is at the door. Don't let him in, there is no law saying you have to answer a door. That way he can't lord it over the property. He's being unreasonable - you need to catch a little bit of that for yourself...

Haha yeah, 'let him come to you if he decides he wants to talk'...and then shut the door in his bastardn face :)

Thanks so much guys all this advice is so useful & my very patient riends aren't getting an earful. Hate talking about it in real life always feel so weak. I am going to start looking for a really nice rental property for myself & the boys & work from there. Enough is enough & I truly have had enough. I will rent it start getting it organised & then move over. Really appreciate all the help. Some things are really motivating me such as "to get back control of my life" that really hit a chord. We only have one life. I love my boys so much & I want to do this for them as much as myself.

You sound in a good position financially and you have a plan of action. Now you just need to work on carrying it out. I plan to move out when I've got my finances in order. It has taken me a long time to recognise that his behaviour is wrong, and that it isn't my fault. I'm still coming to terms with it really. The thought of freedom is what keeps me going. The thought of being able to make my own decisions and relax and be at ease in my own home. I have wobbles sometimes and question myself over whether I'm making the right decision, but I think of that weight being lifted from my shoulders and how wonderful it would be, and I know it's what I have to do. I know your situation won't be identical to mine but I hope that the thought of that for yourself gives you some encouragement too.

Have you got anyone who could be with you when you move out? Maybe that would be something to include in your plans so that you're not alone just in case he does get violent. I'm not telling my partner that I'm leaving until I am ready to leave. I did try before, it went very badly and I ended up smoothing things over to keep the peace because his behaviour was unbearable. It does go against my nature to keep it to myself like this, but I am being pragmatic.

@BlueBooby it has taken me a long time to get here too but because of the lockdown I have a window of opportunity. I am usually so busy with work, school runs, various drop offs & collections that I don't have time to think & he knows that. I also look after my elderly parents so I'm non stop going. At the moment there is none of that & there are carers looking after my parents. I did leave a few years ago but friends & family pressured me to go back. I so wish I didn't listen. That is the reason I am going to do this on my own so I am not influenced. He puts on a very good show.

New solicitor contacted me today via email with a letter attached from old solicitor saying they had sent me draft counsel proceedings. (I don't know what that means!) I never receive the email. They also advised that they are sending me a bill for this & discharge fees. I feel like giving up. If I had received this email I would not have gotten so frustrated with the length of time the legal process was taking. I really feel I have fallen between two stools. Also he's in his office making money while I'm wasting money trying to get rid of him. Seems so unfair.