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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So confused

130 replies

Spain1 · 18/05/2020 22:57

I just said to my husband that we can't go on like this & he just said oh leave me alone & walked away. We are together 28 years married 22 & in separate rooms 10 years. I don't understand how he can be happy living like this but he has no interested in solving the situation one way or another - very confusing.

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Tigersneeze · 21/05/2020 22:42

can they proof that sent that email?
I would challenge that.

I'd focus on the new solicitor,
ask them for milestones / dates and check in on them. spending money on a good solicitor might feel unfair but isn't it a small price to pay to get the divorce done asap?

Spain1 · 21/05/2020 22:46

@Tigersneeze you are so right. I just hope it's not thousands. I worked so long & hard to put the money together. But I did save it for legal fees. I have developed a touch of anxiety lately from the situation I'm in which I am trying to control.

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pog100 · 21/05/2020 22:53

Don't get bogged down in trivia. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the old solicitors, get going with the new ones. You need clear achievable targets and a sense of achievement, don't dwell on him, unfairness, the past. Dwell on the future.

Spain1 · 21/05/2020 23:18

@pog100 will do. It will be worth it in the end. Thank you for clear, concise advice which is badly needed. So easy to get married so hard to get unmarried.

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Gutterton · 21/05/2020 23:49

Don’t let your finite emotional energy be drained by thoughts of him because that has what has incapacitated you for years - swat those intrusive thoughts away and replace them with visions of a fresh new calm and peaceful home for your boys, where everyone is kind and respectful and joy and hope are the cornerstones. Don’t worry about the money - see it as a good return on investment - it will all come out in the wash in the courts.

KNOW that you are on your way, relish those joyous thoughts. You can be in a rental in weeks. Don’t tell him anything. Poker face - don’t put yourself at risk.

Well done - this is a real gift to your boys.

Spain1 · 21/05/2020 23:58

@gutterton thank you for your lovely post it has given me great hope & focus.

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Spain1 · 21/05/2020 23:58

I am hurting so badly at the moment.

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Happynow001 · 22/05/2020 06:31

@Spain1
You have had some good advice from others on this thread but I wanted to send you, somehow, a little emotional support also.

You sound so overwhelmed with all that has happened and with what needs to be done now. However, as you say yourself, you have a window of opportunity now and, sadly, nothing will change for the better until you change them which you have started to.

Break down the whole scary task, into manageable segments, eg: gathering financial information including those for the new properties he's bought without consultation to you, the house you are living in, the current rental property. Do you have sight of his finances at all? This is all useful information for your solicitor.

Ensure you have strong passwords on your own bank accounts, email account, computer, phone etc so he cannot spy on your actions. Put an action plan together on your computer (I'm assuming you have your own computer which is not linked to other devices he has access to?) with what you need to do so you can tick off each action and also help you focus. Ensure that action plan document has a strong password on it, and give it a boring name.

Don't hesitate to call the police if he becomes violent, and ensure your solicitor knows this is a possibility. Get your solicitor to break down the legal process and timeframes for you in clear terms, not just legalese and ask them questions yourself where things are not clear.

Looking at everything which needs doing can sometimes stop us from even starting, but breaking the task into smaller steps often helps to make things more manageable.

Hold on OP. You are in a tough place but focus on where you want yourself and your children to be in the future. Best wishes. 🌹

Winterlife · 22/05/2020 06:58

I assume the money you saved will be a matrimonial asset. Put it in trust with your solicitor to pay your legal fees, and let your solicitor know you set aside the funds for this, and to pay your rent while you settle you matrimonial property.

Windmillwhirl · 22/05/2020 07:07

I'm very late to your thread, op, but just want to say well done. You are in the eye of the storm now but you can look forward to peaceful, happier times.

Happiness and freedom are great driving forces.

hydroxychloroquinegate · 22/05/2020 07:23

Perhaps if you push a bit he will get threatening and then you can contact the police OP. Record everything he says and does from now and if you think he's playing you then turn the tables. It sounds like he has a short fuse, so perhaps light the touch paper. Dog Eat Dog!

LiteraryType · 22/05/2020 07:24

You & the boys shouldn't have to leave - he should man up & go, for their sake!

Spain1 · 22/05/2020 07:48

Thank you everyone for your advice this morning. I do find it all very overwhelming at times. Although it is alot easier now that the children are older. I was actually considering going to my Doctor to see if she could give me anything for the anxiety I am feeling. I have no sight of his finances he moved all his accounts. I am going to ring both solicitors today so that I am not wondering & worrying about anything. Thank you for your support. It is emotional support that I need most.

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hydroxychloroquinegate · 22/05/2020 07:56

Be firm with old solicitors. Explain that they are putting you under further pressure by charging you for something you didn't receive and that you moved on because you thought they had stalled at the first hurdle.

You'll probably end up talking to a secretary so it might be worth emailing them the situation and asking them to call you back.

Spain1 · 22/05/2020 09:34

Phoned old solicitor no answer surprise surprise they are a law on to themselves. Phoned new solicitor replied immediately, feel so much better, good move thank God. Don't care about the cost now I am doing it for myself & the boys.

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pickingdaisies · 22/05/2020 18:46

Well done Spain, good positive move. Keep at it.

Spain1 · 22/05/2020 19:26

@pickingdaisies thank you I feel an awful lot better tonight. Just needed my hand held for a bit.

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pickingdaisies · 22/05/2020 20:01

Heck, we all do sometimes, have a ((hug)) too.

Spain1 · 22/05/2020 20:39

@pickingdaisies I'm usually not such an emotional mess.

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Spain1 · 22/05/2020 23:40

Can anyone explain to me why he doesn't except that I want a divorce & behaves as if I have said nothing. It is head wrecking to say the least.

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RandomMess · 22/05/2020 23:42

Spain, because he is so abusive...

Thanks
Spain1 · 22/05/2020 23:52

God it's torturous.

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Spain1 · 22/05/2020 23:58

Accept pity there is no edit button.

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Winterlife · 23/05/2020 00:52

Can anyone explain to me why he doesn't except that I want a divorce & behaves as if I have said nothing.

Because you haven't left the home, and he assumes you won't. Also, because you threatened divorce previously, and then didn't follow through.

He will only believe this once you have served him with papers, and moved out of the matrimonial home. Even then, he may not believe it, and may make it very difficult for you to obtain your divorce.

Spain1 · 23/05/2020 01:13

@winterlife thank you for your straight answer.

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