So confused

[Spain1]

I just said to my husband that we can't go on like this & he just said oh leave me alone & walked away. We are together 28 years married 22 & in separate rooms 10 years. I don't understand how he can be happy living like this but he has no interested in solving the situation one way or another - very confusing.

He doesn’t believe you, because nothing has changed (not your fault).

He’s conditioned you, to continue to wash his clothes, cook and clean. He’s treated you with contempt and you are still living there.

Find a rental and move. Don’t go back, listen to your children (who don’t want to live with him) and pursue the divorce.

@REignbow thank you for reply. I stopped washing his clothes years ago. He does get dinner but I don't consult him about it. And thankfully I have a cleaner but not at the moment. But yes are right he does treat me with contempt & I am still living here. I have paid the full mortgage since 2017 if not longer. It's definitely for financial reasons. Maybe it's time to pull the plug on that too. I am going to end this thread now but thank you for all your replies & I am going to keep reading them to give me strength.

@Spain1
Well Done on starting your new life ! He's conditioned you , he has a home , food , everything done for him so clearly wants that to continue? Does he contribute anything? Bills etc ?
Keep going , there's a future for you and your boys.

I'd be tempted to get a full 'drains up' analysis on his business and private finances as part of the divorce, it'll cost, but I bet my bottom dollar he's a lot more financially secure than you think he is

Keep posting @Spain1 for support.

You can do this, for your boys and also for yourself.

Yeah, his actions are saying, if you want a divorce, prove it by doing it. He's putting it all on you, because he's quite happy to live like this. So don't expect him to make it easier for you, you will have to take charge and do it all yourself. Keep posting whenever you need a handhold or indeed a shove in the right direction if it helps, but I've got no doubt you can do this now.

Thanks everyone yes I think he has alot put away. He contributes very little to the household & it's like getting blood out of a stone. He covers himself really but is convinced he is contributing alot more than he is. He believes his own lies. If questioned he either loses it or sulks. Also has very expensive taste & never stops buying constant deliveries to the house. I'm gone behond caring what he does & thankfully I am financially independent & always have been. I'm definitely suffering anxiety attacks so the hand holding & shoving are definitely helping to keep me going.

Stop his access to money. Yes any savings etc are joint assets, but from the sounds of things he won’t think twice about cleaning out savings. How are your finances split? Does he have access to your salary? Everything goes into one account and he can help himself? If so, you put in enough to cover the necessities (if that means you’re paying all the bills then so be it) then anything left over goes into an account only you have access to. If he’s just bought a warehouse and a boat then he’s got money! Do you know his income/value of assets etc? He’s not going to change so don’t waste your energy trying to work out why he does things or to rationalise his behaviour. Take control of your life. How do you want to be treated and what are you no longer willing to accept? Make the change in your mind that things are going to end. You know what’s he’s like so that’s really helpful. You know how he’ll react so use that to your advantage. If he’ll blow up or storm off don’t have that conversation. Decide what you want to happen then put things in place to make that happen. You don’t need to tell him anything until you are ready and have everything worked out ie you’ve found a rental house, you know what will happen with the properties, you have separated your finances, you know what his business situation is, you have drawn up how assets will be divided and you have discussed things with your boys. Once you’re organised you tell him what is going to happen. He has chosen not to engage with the process so you crack on. He wont cooperate so just do things without him. You are entitled to have a life that makes you happy. Your boys have told you they don’t want their own dad around (that says everything really!). It will be a tough journey but you will have the strength to get through and just keep focused on the other side when it’s the 4 of you in a quiet, calm house that is just yours.

@Lolapusht I have most things in order I've had plenty of time to do so. I just hope my boys will come with me. I never want them to think I left them behind. He's just such a nasty piece of work. Onward & upward now looking forward to my next appointment with my solicitor. I am going to have everything written down & exactly what I want. Before I go to a rental property I am going to check with her first.

Is it better to stay in the marital home until the divorce comes through? Does it affect the outcome if you move out?

I was advised to stay in the marital home but things might be different now. Speak to your solicitor, they will have the best advice

Yes, ask your solicitor. Please let her know how your finances have been managed, and that you've been paying the mortgage alone.

I'd also let her know that you've been effectively separated, and just sharing the home since whatever date you moved out of the bedroom. That may allow you to recoup payments you've made since the date of the mental separation.

Yes I'm afraid to leave with getting legal advice first. Also I would prefer to buy a property rather than rent for security reasons. We are seperated 10 years this October but many difficult years before that.

You have two "marital properties" so I would move into the other one.

I think I will speak to my solicitor first & see what she says now that I found a good solicitor.

Good luck

@Weenurse thank you I'll need it. I have a great practical brain I can organise everyone else. Disastrous emotional brain can never make up my mind.

Time to engage the practical brain. You sound awesome and sting strong 💪
We will be here for you when emotional brain needs us x

@roubaixtuesdsy the strength is coming but it's taken a long time. I have a window of opportunity now at the moment to get things sorted & I'm going to use it. I'm getting the strength from my boys, my friends, my physchotherapist & solicitor. I don't involve my family because they are two emotionally involved & parents very elderly 86 & 90. This time it's for real & has to happen. Everyone deserves peace & happiness even me.

Yes you do @Spain1!

You can do this

@REignbow thanks so exhausted tonight. He has to be the most selfish man on the planet. And because I react I look so bad to the boys. It is do emotionally damaging for them. I am so exhausted from the whole situation.

Any luck with lawyer?

Appointment next Thursday.

Remember they are paid by time, do not use the time to tell your story.
Just deal with the facts and have your list of questions ready to go.
Make sure your questions are in order of priority, most important to least important, so if you run out of time, the most importantly questions are answered.
If you need to tell your story or debrief, do that with family and friends

Thank you good advice. What kind of questions should I ask?