So confused

[Spain1]

I just said to my husband that we can't go on like this & he just said oh leave me alone & walked away. We are together 28 years married 22 & in separate rooms 10 years. I don't understand how he can be happy living like this but he has no interested in solving the situation one way or another - very confusing.

I wouldn't even sugar coat it fir the kids. They arent daft and they are old enough to hear the truth. 'Your dad isnt nice to me, so I'm leaving'. That way they know that you dont treat women like shit and get away with it. Nor do you stay when other people treat you badly.

Thank you Bunnymumy. The boys have asked me to get rid of him, move out, all 3 of them. I'm usually a very strong person but I have found it very difficult to concur this. I also look after my elderly parents 90 & 86 so not making excusing but I haven't had time to think until now with the lockdown.

other than seeing a lawyer or two. what have you done for yourself?
do you have your own bank account with your income going into it?
do you have copies/new originals of any forms you might want to have going forward (kids birth, yours, and even the marriage cert for a while).
do you want to live in one of the other homes or would somewhere else be more convenient?
you shouldn't expect him to change (as he clearly hasn't in decades) so any change will be up to you.

I have a separate bank account & have saved €30k into it. I have all the paperwork together including his last 3 years of accounts. I suppose I am trying to make it as painless as possible for myself & the boys. I can't see myself living in thd other house because it is a third the size of this one & not in a good area for raising children. I would love to buy my own house that has nothing to do with him.

They sound like great kids. Seems they'll be only too happy to see you get out of there :)

You're the only one stopping you. It's ok to do something for your own happiness, believe that. Especially considering it sounds like you're kids will be happy when you do too!

I know I am afraid of him because he has a history of violence. That is what keeps me here.

I am the only one stopping me. I need to get energy & strength from somewhere. My friends have been so supportive & patient. I suppose I was hoping the solicitor would do all the work when he is not listening to me. My boys are fantastic, so loving & kind. None of his aggression has worn off on them thank God.

I know I have it alot better than alot of people but I just can't seem to make the right decision. One day I decide one thing & the following day I decide something else.

@ Spain1

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Work out your options. He will not work with you on this so you need to provide all the action. Could you move out with the kids and rent until the lease is up on the other property then sell it to buy a home for you and the kids? Could you have a very frank conversation where you tell him he has to go - perhaps worth a try. Let him know if you go, you stop paying all bills. He may start believing it's for real when you start making changes.

You are right, you are the only one stopping you. Deep breath and take the plunge, you can do it - don't waste more time.

Cantarina thank you for your reply & you are so right. I suppose I am waiting for the court to put him out. It is so easy to get married so hard to get a divorce. Yes I need to make changes to make him realise it's for real. He's certainly doing his own thing. Just bought a new warehouse & boat with any consultation.

Wow, where did he get the money for that? Don't waste your life waiting for a good time to leave. The right time will never come, you will always find a reason to delay. So deep breath, do it now. Make a plan. Start today.

Start thinking in smaller steps rather than long term big picture.

The court cannot put him out of a jointly owned property without going through the legal battle of the financial settlement during divorce. So be prepared that you'll need to be proactive and play hard ball. The vain hope he'll be reasonable is pointless and wasting time. He'll fight back, so you need to fight harder!

You have another house which is great. It's free to live in in August. That's only 3 months so start getting yourself prepared now - copies of financial docs etc. Get the divorce rolling. Your dc are fully behind you leaving. Which is great. You have savings which is great. You can afford to spend money pushing the divorce through.

So you move into other house in August. See that as temporary breathing space. Better a bad area than a bad home life for your dc. Try and get an order to sell both properties in the financial settlement. Then buy new house. No point in hoping he'll see the light after one letter and agree to sell. That's just wasting time on blind hope.

If he ignores next letter - I presume you mean divorce papers not just a letter asking him to leave which is not legally enforceable - you push. You go straight back to solicitor. No letting him control the timeline. He's not a reasonable man, so stop expecting him to suddenly be one.

And any sign of violence, you phone the police! Immediately. Don't let that fear hold you back. Take that fear and turn it to anger! He's relying on your fear to keep you stuck. He thinks he can keep you inert. Can just carry on as normal and you'll do nothing. Show him he can't.

Just leave, it is that simple.

Of course he doesn't want the status quo to change. He is having all his cooking, cleaning and housework done by you and child rearing. So, its down to you know to let go. I would give notice to the tenants to move out, you move in. Get a really good solicitor. Make it plain and clear with your intentions and when he kicks up you must repeat these clear intentions all the time. Don't flake and back down. He checked out years ago and found himself in a nice little home with a housekeeper that is you. He isn't going to want to lose this is he? I am sure deep down this is not what he wants or envisaged for his future so he does have some understanding of the situation. Let go the both of you and move on to a better and freer life. Its within your reach, you can do it.

Separate your finances now. Start to line up your paperwork for moving out now (assuming he won't leave as that seems unlikely). Start sorting and packing. You can work on all of this today.

You will be a long time waiting for that divorce to come through but there is a lot you can do in the meantime. It sounds as though the kids will be happier if there isn't an atmosphere at home. Decide what will work best for you (pending divorce) and act on it while you are in this limbo.

Let lawyer know about warehouse and boat as bought during marriage so need to be considered in division of assets in divorce .
Tell him to move out or you will be going and not paying any of his bills.
If he refuses, then rent something and go,( after seeking legal advice).

Hi OP. He sounds awful and you’d be much better off without him.

If you want to move into the other house you’ll have to give the tenants notice pretty much now, then you can move in when they leave.

Serve divorce papers on him and call him to mediation. If he ignores it you can apply to the court. He’ll have 4 weeks to respond to the mediation and if he doesn’t you can get a certificate saying you’ve tried and he’s failed to respond. You can skip the mediation stip I think if he has been violent as you say, but you’ll have to ask your solicitor for advice.

Good luck. Divorcing one of these arseholes is a nightmare, but if you keep pushing he’ll end up with no choice. Don’t be afraid to call the police and use all the legal channels to keep yourself safe.

Thank you all for the advice I need it. Absolutely no point talking to him he completely suits himself. I do think there is something deficient in him. I've done the mediation path he didn't turn up. The only thing he did do was couples counselling & that was to sort me out & get what he wanted & that is to continue where as we are. He is building up his empire while living off me. It is a nightmare situation. He only cares about himself. Really annoys me to think that we would all have to move out to suit him. I will just have to make a decision & stick to it. This very minute in got workmen in to the house drilling at 8am. I have a half day off work first one in 3 months & boys fast asleep. Absolutely no consideration for anyone else. I just want peace.

Get a private let move into that and start divorce proceedings. Get the houses up for sale. You need to take back control of your life.
I had a similar situation he thought if he refused to move out and ignore what I was saying I’d have to stay.

Sunnydays78 how did he react when you moved out?

I just can't believe these arseholes exist & that I married one. I just want a reasonable conversation work things out & move on with our lives but that's not going to happen.

If he threatens you etc phone the police - 999 they can remove him and you can apply for an occupation order.

Has he been violent recently, why are you still frightened of him?

He promised me the world and was literally on his hands and knees begging me not to leave. It made it the hardest thing ever to do because I felt that I was in the wrong. That was all just a way to try and control me to stay. He was the nastiest man I’ve ever known yet somehow he made me feel like I was kicking an injured puppy.
He then tried to use the kids to control me. However, we got through it. I have a new partner now and my own house. Life is good. It’s been three years. You get yourself out and live the life you deserve xx