Anyone married to a lawyer?

[angelofmum]

I feel like I can't go on with my DH. Together for 10yrs and 3 young kids but he is a workaholic. I knew he worked ridiculously long hours when I met him but when you're young and in love you naively hope things will get better. No one gets what it's like being married to a lawyer unless they are married to one, none of my friends can believe the hours he works. Now he's a partner in a law firm he just works round the clock night and day - he doesn't have a life outside of work. He's constantly bombarded with emails etc.. and he doesn't set any boundaries between work/home life. I thought things might be better with him at home during lockdown but if anything I've seen him less. Back to back calls/deals/document reviews etc.. some days he's at his desk from 8am until 3am without much of a break. He'll bath the boys "to help me out" but that's it. He's a good person but I think incredibly selfish. He puts his own needs before those of his family. He has minimal time with the kids and even less time for me. I'm in my 30's and feel like life is passing me by. My DH and I never eat together unless it's the weekend, hardly ever go to bed together, sex is rare as he's either working late or tired. He's always so busy that he never listens to me or hears what I say, I can see his mind is ticking over and thinking about work - I actually feel invisible.
I've threatened so many times to leave but I'm scared of being on my own as I have no income. I also come from divorced parents and I don't want to do that to the kids. I hate that he knows how I feel but he just says that's the way it is and I have to accept it. I've had CBT as he wouldn't try couples counselling and the upshot was I leave or he has to start setting some boundaries but he hasn't and won't. Anyone else a lawyer or married to one? How does your relationship survive?

OP I could have written your post so I actually haven’t read any further pages on the thread because it’s too uncomfortable. I used to work in a magic circle firm and now work in a completely different industry but my husband is a senior partner in banking. Banking is crazy busy at the moment. There are very few people who can understand what it’s like - I do have an inside track though because I used to work those hours myself.

We tried couple counselling a few times but it didn’t work because the counsellors could not get their head around the nature of the work and kept on saying “just leave the office at 7pm”.

I’m trying to think what’s helped...getting a daily cleaner, like many of his other partners, so we don’t argue about chores is a start.

Spend the money on things that make your life easier - meal plan boxes, deliveries : anything that will make your day more enjoyable and bearable and don’t feel guilty about it for a second. During lockdown I’ve paid over the odds for extra online lessons for the kids eg drama, coding etc for them but also do give me a break

I’m a lawyer. I’ve worked in 7 or 8 different firms in various capacities and can probably count on my fingers the times I’ve worked before 8am or past 7pm. I manage to do just 8 hour days most of the time. Holidays are sacred and I never work on them. It’s a choice. I work to live I don’t live to work. What’s important to me is my DH and family.

Sure I will never make the big money but I don’t care at all. DH works too but is exactly the same as me. What we make is perfectly comfortable and we have a happy life that we love.

If I was you I’d get a job (your DH must earn enough to afford childcare) and get some financial independence then decide what you want from there.

I should add that I took four years off when my youngest was born and I’m now back at work and that has forced my DH to step up and do things like take the DC to school - also really helped my MH too.

It sounds like you've had a positive conversation and he's realised how you're feeling. I would now strike whilst the iron is hot (more difficult whilst in lockdown I appreciate) and organise:

• cleaner
• gardener
• online grocery shop (potentially tricky currently)
• some regular childcare - one night a week babysitting as a standing event
• a once a week evening activity for you so that you can focus on yourself

You must be able to afford these since he must be on at least a couple of hundred thousand and you need to prioritise your family and your relationship.

Then diarise various events:

• once a fortnight date night. Non negotiable but he can pick the evening each time to make sure it fits with his diary commitments.
• once a week home early so that he can spend the evening with the DC - agin let him chose which evening it will be each week so that he can put it in his diary and stick to it like he would with parents' evening. Don't make the mistake of saying its every Wednesday as a standing event for example since it will then get pushed for something else. It needs to be picked as suitable and stuck to. Remind him that morning.

• once a weekend family trip out for all of you - even if its just a walk or a bike ride or a picnic. No phones allowed.
• once a weekend Daddy time with the DC to give you some time to yourself.

When we remember it really helps to have a family meeting on a Sunday evening so that we know everyone's whereabouts and commitments for the week. Ensures nothing is missed and makes sure we know what slots are available to do other things.

Agree with @HasaDigaEebowai

A way you could approach the scheduling thing with him is by asking what he does when he is with one client and another client wants him. Presumably sometimes he has to say no, that time doesn't work for me. He can do that for you and the kids too.

I am not the wife of a lawyer but I was Senior Associate in a Banking team in a silver circle firm before I gave it up when we had our kids. I actually married a banker so still understand having a busy husband and feeling like “waiting” at home which is tough, especially when I was used to being so busy myself- but I wouldn’t change it. Lots of women do what I do, I can’t think of one male I worked with giving up their career or scaling it back for kids!

Working in a banking team is toxic in so many ways... and you have to be a complete workaholic to thrive which it sounds like your husband is. But I don’t disbelieve what he is saying that he has to put those hours (especially as a jr partner) he will have so much pressure on him to keep these clients he brought over and make them profitable that when it’s going well it is addictive and a big status boost which as a jr Partner he needs. He will also need to be closing high profile deals, getting the PR and his name out into the industry.

He’ll also be a slave to his clients and will be used to having his associates do exactly what he wants, when he wants it without challenge. I think this then becomes hard to switch off and many lawyers I know can find it hard to be challenged or listen or consider others feelings... it usually gets worse the older they get.

I’ve known one lawyer admit she had to go to counselling after a series of connected deals because she had been so blinkered during the process that it felt like coming out of a war and she had forgotten what outside life was like as she had hardly left the office in months (v extreme obviously).

I think with lots of staff also being put on furlough/ asked to go part time hours the pressure of those still on full time hours will be ramping up even more.

It’s tough, I feel for you! But knowing the culture of one of these firms I can see why he feels he has to work in this way. It’s so ingrained.

It is ingrained. But there is no reason that it has to be your life, OP.

You really do only get one life, don’t waste it. You are not an adjunct or facilitator for someone else’s achievements.

[b]the other has used the money to buy herself time and parenting/domestic help basically. They have a full time nanny and a cleaner. She says it isn't how she would like it to be and would rather have her husband but she can live with it because she is at least not trying to parent their 4 kids alone.[/b]

This advice x1000. You will never change your husband - he is what he is and trying to reason with him to spend more time with you won't work. So either get divorced or accept who he is and use his fruits to buy yourself a better life.

I actually think it can be helpful to be a non-lawyer, as you can sometimes remind them that they aren’t exactly splitting the atom, teaching disadvantaged children or saving lives...

Money talks, but I think recent events have shown us that it isn’t everything!

as you can sometimes remind them that they aren’t exactly splitting the atom, teaching disadvantaged children or saving lives... this would have made me laugh out loud back in the day! And once you factor in derivatives, the debt sold onwards and upwards and in different directions, it becomes impossible to unravel and so the finance docs become meaningless anyway! I miss my colleagues and doing a job which required me to use my brain (sometimes), but the long hours not so much. But as crazy as it sounds the projects/deals were often fun, lots of laughing in between hard-nosed but charming negotiation...

@MaybeDoctor this is so true! DH says he couldn't be with another lawyer like himself as it would be a nightmare. I come from a teaching background (family are pretty much all teachers) so I see things differently to how he does. I grew up with the mantra that your health and happiness are more important than anything. DH says I keep him grounded and he needs me to bring him back to reality. As I remind him and this may sound harsh, but on his gravestone he will be missed by his loving family not his loving clients. He is indispensable and when he's long gone there will be someone to replace him. It's hard to get that message through to someone like him though.