Anyone married to a lawyer?

[angelofmum]

I feel like I can't go on with my DH. Together for 10yrs and 3 young kids but he is a workaholic. I knew he worked ridiculously long hours when I met him but when you're young and in love you naively hope things will get better. No one gets what it's like being married to a lawyer unless they are married to one, none of my friends can believe the hours he works. Now he's a partner in a law firm he just works round the clock night and day - he doesn't have a life outside of work. He's constantly bombarded with emails etc.. and he doesn't set any boundaries between work/home life. I thought things might be better with him at home during lockdown but if anything I've seen him less. Back to back calls/deals/document reviews etc.. some days he's at his desk from 8am until 3am without much of a break. He'll bath the boys "to help me out" but that's it. He's a good person but I think incredibly selfish. He puts his own needs before those of his family. He has minimal time with the kids and even less time for me. I'm in my 30's and feel like life is passing me by. My DH and I never eat together unless it's the weekend, hardly ever go to bed together, sex is rare as he's either working late or tired. He's always so busy that he never listens to me or hears what I say, I can see his mind is ticking over and thinking about work - I actually feel invisible.
I've threatened so many times to leave but I'm scared of being on my own as I have no income. I also come from divorced parents and I don't want to do that to the kids. I hate that he knows how I feel but he just says that's the way it is and I have to accept it. I've had CBT as he wouldn't try couples counselling and the upshot was I leave or he has to start setting some boundaries but he hasn't and won't. Anyone else a lawyer or married to one? How does your relationship survive?

@PersonaNonGarter maybe he will but there's nothing I can do to stop him. I only hope if he did I would find out.

@MNnicknameforCVthreads tried ultimatums but he's dead set on staying in his current job and making it to the equity. He's money driven and I'm not. I guess it's back to what the CBT therapist said, I stay and accept it or leave.

I would tell him you will change the locks if he doesn’t go to couple counselling.

If he is money driven, you should point out that couple counselling is less expensive than divorce and less time consuming than shared custody. You could offer to do him a Briefing Note or PowerPoint on it.

I am a lawyer although not at partner level. It does sometimes require long hours but I don’t work more than I need to. I don’t generally do weekends. I do work late during the week at times. I try not to be on bberry unless need be, and when I’m on holiday I’m on holiday. I won’t be a partner though! A lot of partners in my office do have wives at home who take care of everything domestic.
He is choosing to work in this way but you are also choosing to facilitate that by relying solely on his income, which is presumably pretty good. Just stop - get your career back on some level, so that the power balance is redressed. He can do what he wants at the moment as he holds all the cards financially - I think you need to seriously think about putting a stop to that. Appreciate you want to be with your kids, but I would get some sort of income back, it will give you more options.

@IDontLikeMondays88 he will always have more power over me money wise. Even if I went back to teaching full time, which would be impossible with the ages of my kids and not having him or family around for support. I would also earn peanuts compared to him, but I agree becoming financially independent is freeing and gives you back some self respect. I hate that I am reliant on him although he is kind and money isn't an issue in that sense, he's never made me feel beneath him.

I know there are sometimes men on these forums, would love some insight from the male perspective too to balance things?

Although saying that if they're as busy as DH is the last place they'd be is on mumsnet🤪

Thing is, when he gets to 50, you and the kids may be so used to be being without him that you'll have all moved on. Also, a workaholic cant just give it up, its his life, he doesnt have any other interests. I can partially sympathise, am married to a doctor. It is hell. And im sure that i could easily be replaced by a quiet subervient woman who wouldnt moan at him.

US firms (and magic circle) but especially US have a rep for being very well paid but zero work life balance.

Could he think about moving to a silver circle firm? Less money, but still well paid and a lot less hours.

That would be DH's dream for me to stop arguing with him about his job. He says he wishes I would just accept the peaks and troughs. Easy to say when you're not on the receiving end though😔I feel mentally exhausted thinking about it. I don't think the grass would be greener either that's the thing. I'm not interested in meeting or ever marrying anyone else and it would be a struggle on my own. I have 3 boys and feel I wouldn't be enough for them on my own.

@itsaweddingone it's been discussed many times, but he sees it as not only a drop in salary but reputation as well. He works with some big banks etc.. and has carried them over from his last job as they loved working with him so much. He said if he moved down they would drop him. He has an answer for everything but I guess a good lawyer is also good at arguing? (Depending what law they are in!)

Lawyer. Married to corporate lawyer for 30 years. Always going to retire at 55. I understood because I’m in the same profession but we got the balance between life and work wrong. His work drove everything, and I bought into that. He liked to feel important and to provide, he was in control at work. Each time we had the conversation you talk about, he would not change (I didn’t threaten to leave). In the end, 55 arrived. He vacillated, was scared of retiring. He had an affair. He left. I feel like i waited and waited for the good times held out like a carrot, the time together, the happy comfortable retirement doing things we always said we’d do. And I waited in vain. Someone else has him now (he is still working, still being important) and it turns out not being with him is ok, I no longer come far down his list of priorities-make no mistake, that’s where you are-as a PP said, he’d do counselling if work told him to.
He is probably scared, what is life if he isn’t working? what does one do all day? how can he provide? but I’d say, it’s your life too and it’s short. If he won’t or can’t face his fears and be honest to himself, about himself, you have a choice.
Maybe your marriage won’t end like mine. But you do everything now, he will have to give you money if the marriage ends. I’d say live your life now, not endure it for the promise of better to come, because it may not. One more thing: my life is better without him-taken a while to get to that, but it’s true.

I was married to a lawyer and also worked in the legal field, in the US.

Your H's hours sound about right for someone who wants to get to the top of the greasy pole.

Right now he is killing himself, as many lawyers on his track do, though many burn out.

Someone below used the phrase 'macho bullshit' - nail on the head there. I knew two very driven, Type A men who ended up dead from massive heart attacks at age 54 and 52. So much for 'time to do everything'.

Not that your H is ever going to stop, though - there will always be some arena in which he must prove himself worthy of the approval of everyone except those who theoretically matter most to him.

Workaholism in the US law firm environment is driven by fear.

You have to present him with something he fears more than his fear of not making the grade if you want to get his attention.

I am a senior associate in banking and finance at a large firm - there is a lot going on right now, lockdown has certainly not been quiet for us and there is a lot of pressure to get deals closed quickly (in some cases because of cashflow issues on the borrower side, in some cases because lender clients want to tie down deals before borrowers get cold feet).

Being a junior partner is tough and no doubt there is a lot of pressure on him to prove himself (and US firm culture won't help with that). That said, clearly somethings got to give - if you don't set boundaries the job can take every single second you have, there is always something to do and it can become all-consuming. Can you have a discussion with him about setting some boundaries? If nothing else this will help you see whether he really understands that this is an issue for you or if he is happy to continue burying himself away in the work and avoiding his home life.

Another lawyer here but not corporate. I work in a legal aid firm doing child protection. We are sadly also very busy right now, although we always are to be fair. I often work after my evening meal but not unless it absolutely cant be avoided and I try to keep weekends free. To be fair although my volume of work is more, I’m getting time back by not traveling during lockdown.

Putting in another perspective here...

I'm a lawyer. I work 9-5. I work hard during those hours and get all my work done.
It's definitely possible to not spend ridiculous hours like 8am-3am on work. He's just choosing to, over you

I’m a lawyer. If he’s in banking with a US firm I’m not surprised by the hours and doubt there’s that much he can really reduce them by if he stays in his current role.

From what you say he doesn’t want to change. Ime a lot of men in these roles have sahm wives who are content with the division of roles and effectively parenting on their own. The financial rewards are huge.

If you don’t feel able or willing to end the relationship, are there things you could do to get more practical and emotional support for yourself? Eg nanny so you can get out develop your friendships?

As pp said, if you stay (and when it gets easier as the dc get older) you may find you and your dc form a tight circle and you don’t mind so much.

If you leave, assuming you got half the marital assets, child maintenance and a couple of years of spousal support to enable you to get back to teaching, could that work?

Both me and my DH are both City lawyers.

To those who say OP’s OH can reduce his hours, it really depends on the firm. At a top City firm, crazy hours are just a non-negotiable part of the job.

I think 99% of those marrying a City professional know what they are marrying into and go with the flow. I think it is a bit unfair to take issue when you always knew that was part of the deal.

My dad’s a retired lawyer in his early sixties. He’s the only one left. Every single one of his lawyer friends is dead, many in their 40s, leaving wives and small children behind. It’s an absolute tragedy.

Why don't you arrange an appointment with someone in his firm to discuss his hours? He may see that as going behind your back, but since you seriously looking at divorce at this point, it may be a good idea.

@dawnpanda where are you a lawyer?

I don't know any lawyers that work 9-5 in a city firm, let alone a US firm!

Going behind his back I mean.

@Scott72

The OP cannot do that!

You'd get laughed out the office and her DH would be furious.

It's the culture of the firm - not his personal workload!

I’m at the Bar and work those kind of boris during big cases.
If he’s a solicitor partner he should or should soon have more control over his workload ?

I have been married to a lawyer for 19 years. It's not the job that's the problem, it's your DH. Times were tough when he was a junior and he worked long and hard hours to get to be a partner. Since then he had the flexibility and would always try and make it to kids school events etc because he didn't want to miss out. He has been very successful and it wasn't to the sacrifice of his family. So it's not the job. It's your husband 😔

Hours not boris. I have never worked boris !