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Original poster

Finding out the perfect man has a child

343 replies

Chantelle993 · 18/05/2020 18:07

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

OP posts:
Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 21:08

Why can't men have the same choice.

Because biology isn't fair. If it was women wouldn't get beaten to death so easily and men could magically carry babies and have control over what happens after conception.

But it isn't, so men have control of their own body and sperm before conception. Stop making them the equivalent of helpless infants by saying they have no choice at all.

bubdee · 18/05/2020 21:09

He doesn't want anything to do with the child but pays £600 a month? That baffles me.

Candyfloss99 · 18/05/2020 21:11

Run as fast as you can.

Rubyred24 · 18/05/2020 21:11

Dies it really cost £600 a month to raise a child?

Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 21:12

And where does the childs needs come in to any of this bullshit?

Wahhh, he did not want a baby.

Well guess what? He fucking has one.

He took the risk. He knew what that risk was. He fucked up.

It isn't about what he wants/needs anymore, it is about the child that didn't have a say in any of it.

I would be repulsed by any potential partner who did this. I would be heart broken by any son who would do this. Why do you all have such a low bar for male behaviour?

duletty · 18/05/2020 21:12

What am I missing here...been married 20 yrs and never picked up
Husbands phone to accidentally swipe through it 👀

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 21:14

He didn’t lie though, did he?

I know a lie by omission blah blah but I’m not sure he owed it to OP to tell her until they were moving forward in some way.

And Christ! Can you imagine if we were all judged by our teenage mistakes?

Leflic · 18/05/2020 21:15

I’m slightly amazed the subject of children didn’t come up before this. Unless you are both teenagers its literally part of every bodies conversation on First Dates for example. What type of person are you looking for, what happened in your last relationships, do you want kids.

A year is a long time to know someone with a view to a relationship and for this not to be discussed.
Also £600 is ALOT of CM. How much does he earn or is this arrears as well.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/05/2020 21:16

If you think it's different for men and they should just 'suck it up' and parent a child they don't want, why?

There is a difference between a responsibility to have a child and a responsibility to parent a child.

His child exists, they had no choice about being born to a deadbeat dad. It's not about forcing anyone- the right thing to do is obviously to be responsible and OP is right to run a mile from a man who won't.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/05/2020 21:17

Choctimeout Mon 18-May-20 20:54:28
Well my son is only 4 so a bit presumptuous, but I assume if I do my job properly he will understand the risks involved with casual sex. Including pregnancy

I would be deeply ashamed of him if he abandoned any responsibility for a dc born from said casual sex

Anyone who has actually raised a dc knows money is important, but in the grand scheme of things it in no way makes up for an absent parent

Well with respect, you haven't raised a child yet, you've only just begun and if you were the parent of a teenage boy who had a one night stand and is then told that he's going to be a father of a child he doesn't want with a girl he hardly knows you might think that your 18 yr old should help financially but go to uni and live his life - it is her choice to have or not have the baby, not his.

burnoutbabe · 18/05/2020 21:19

Did he lie?
If your on a dating site and it asks if you are a parent it really wants to know, do you have kids you are responsible for?
You wouldn't tick yes if you had had kids who were adopted out or were a sperm doner or surrogate.
I'd not be that fussed by this, he was very young and was given no choice.
If the mother can choose to give away her child and walk away (ie give up for adoption) why can't a father?
And trying to mange for-parenting sounds like a nightmare with this woman. Not something a 17 year old could really handle.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 18/05/2020 21:21

He has one yes, but in the same way I wouldn’t judge a woman who gave her child up for adoption and chose not to have a relationship with them, I won’t judge this man for essentially doing the same thing.

He is fulfilling his obligations by paying for the child. The mother clearly knew he didn’t want her to continue the pregnancy and that he didn’t want to be a father to the child when born. It is of course her right to continue the pregnancy regardless, but she did willingly choose to bring a child into the world knowing the father didn’t want them.

Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 21:21

@Toomuchtrouble4me

if you were the parent of a teenage boy who had a one night stand and is then told that he's going to be a father of a child he doesn't want with a girl he hardly knows you might think that your 18 yr old should help financially but go to uni and live his life - it is her choice to have or not have the baby, not his.

Would I fuck! Funnily enough I expect my son to behave like a decent human being!

Mistakes happen, but if he did that I would expect him to step up, he'd be 18, not 8. And not just financially.

What about going to university means he couldn't do his share of parenting exactly?

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 21:22

You’re like one of those non-parents who insists on knowing the exact right way to raise a child, Choc!

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 21:23

And you don’t even know that the man in question was 18, unless I’ve missed a post.

Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 21:25

Yes, such high and unrealistic aspirations, to expect my ds to be a decent human who wouldn't ignore his own flesh and bloods existence.

I am genuinely sorry for those of you who expect no better.

LexMitior · 18/05/2020 21:26

People are all talking about the ins and outs of what he did when he was 17. But really that’s not relevant.

What is relevant is;

Hiding it
Lying about it
Claiming his ex is “crazy”

Why should you care about that one? Because a man who says this but leaves a child of his own with a “crazy” woman is;

A) Selfish
B) Content to have his own flesh and blood raised by a mother who is psychiatrically disturbed
C) Morally suspect

You are right not to engage with him more. A man who says his ex is crazy but leaves his child with this crazy woman is very bad news.

Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 21:27

@OhCaptain if you actually read the posts you'll see the '18 year old' is in reaponse to another poster musing about my hypothetical future 18 year old, and how I'd not want him to have anything to do with a potential granchild.

Bathbedandbeyond · 18/05/2020 21:28

What a cunt he is.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/05/2020 21:31

What is an FWB?

2bazookas · 18/05/2020 21:33

He literally does everything for me and everyone,

But not his child.

Hunnybears · 18/05/2020 21:33

@Toomuchtrouble4me

It’s ermmm friends who have casual no string sex....

Hunnybears · 18/05/2020 21:34

Friends With Benefits

Leflic · 18/05/2020 21:35

No he doesn’t with your smart arse response! If his name isn’t on the birth certificate then he doesn’t have to pay as they can’t prove it’s his his child!

Bollocks. Child Maintenance can be claimed from man. If the man says he’s not the father then a DNA test is done. Not the father the cost of the test is refunded. End of. Otherwise the test is positive he pays for the DNA and CM.
Nothing to do with the birth certificate.
If he wants parental responsibility he needs to get it through the court.

LexMitior · 18/05/2020 21:38

Also, don’t be one of these women who take the ex being crazy as a sign that he rates you. Some women don’t read it right. The man who says his ex is crazy is half way to admitting that if she is, he is at least partly responsible.

If she isn’t, he’s a liar who wants to make himself look better.

You can almost ignore the fact he has a child. It’s the crazy comment that should worry you most. If she really is, then she should not be looking after children.