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Original poster

Finding out the perfect man has a child

343 replies

Chantelle993 · 18/05/2020 18:07

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

OP posts:
BeesandGees · 18/05/2020 20:48

@Choctimeout-

He didn’t choose to create a child........ he had sex, for fun, as most people do. Who knows what happened contraception wise but five kids to five different men would lead me to question the mothers grasp of the importance of it in casual relationships.....

momtoolliex · 18/05/2020 20:48

So everyone is saying he is a shit person shit bloke for not wanting to be involved in the child's life. From what the OP said he said from day 1 he didn't want a child with this women. So if he was a woman he could have had an abortion, as it stands he can't so had to suck up the fact the woman kept the child, and has had to pay for it despite not wanting a child with her.

Completely agree

Viviennemary · 18/05/2020 20:49

The double standards are unbelievable.

TheStuffedPenguin · 18/05/2020 20:49

@TryingToBeBold I agree with you . I always feel that if something like this happens to your sons then he has no control if a woman wants to keep the baby . This guy has paid the money . He made it clear he didn't want to be involved - is this any different from a woman who gives up her child for adoption ? She's allowed to but a man isn't ?

Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 20:50

he had sex, for fun, as most people do.

Bonus points for anyone who can tell me what the potential risk of this very fun activity is? And if they know any adults who aren't aware of said risk whenever they partake in it?

JingsMahBucket · 18/05/2020 20:51

The Conservative Abstinence Brigade™️ has shown up.

Bubblebu · 18/05/2020 20:52

And how much thousand times more respect would I have for a man who said "ok I fess up, I have a child I was very young when it happened I was not ready I honoured that with the mother of the child (with whom I am no longer with) I am up for a relationship but you have to know that I am a father"

takes courage to be at both ends of the above kind of conversation but that is the litmus test??

Josette77 · 18/05/2020 20:52

My bio mum didn't tell people she didn't raise her three children. She pretended we didn't exist or pretended we lived with her friends in the country. She didn't owe people an explanation about adoption. I don't think he's done anything wrong.

Musti · 18/05/2020 20:52

He was a kid when he got a woman pregnant. It's sad he has nothing to do with his child but at least he pays for the child.

Not good that he lied but I don't tell people I start to see my whole past and I guess it may have gotten to the stage where it was awkward to tell you.

Pelleas · 18/05/2020 20:54

The Conservative Abstinence Brigade™️ has shown up

You don't have to practice abstinence - you just have to accept that if you have sex, it's a possibility a pregnancy might occur, and be prepared for the consequences of it.

Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 20:54

Well my son is only 4 so a bit presumptuous, but I assume if I do my job properly he will understand the risks involved with casual sex. Including pregnancy.

I would be deeply ashamed of him if he abandoned any responsibility for a dc born from said casual sex.

Anyone who has actually raised a dc knows money is important, but in the grand scheme of things it in no way makes up for an absent parent.

Hunnybears · 18/05/2020 20:55

I do think that not everything is black and white, although some people would have you believe different.

Was he out of order for keeping this from you? Absolutely. And I’m also shocked with how long it went on.

I suspect he felt he couldn’t tell you the longer the time went past. I also imagine he would think that you would think he wasn’t a decent person for choosing to not see the child.

I’m on the fence with that because as a op stated, he wasn’t in a relationship with her and didn’t want to be. He’d made his feeling very clear from the outset but the choice was hers to keep the baby. No his.

Makes me wonder if she honey trapped him in the hope he’d stay with her? Clearly she’s continued to do that so it would be plausible. No one should be blackmailed to stay with some.

He also oats maintenance so I applaud him for that as he certainly doesn’t need to.

Having said that, he should have worn a condom because there are women out there that do this kind of shit!

I don’t know OP. I suppose it depends how much you want to be with him. I think give him one more chance....

bluebluezoo · 18/05/2020 20:56

So everyone is saying he is a shit person shit bloke for not wanting to be involved in the child's life. From what the OP said he said from day 1 he didn't want a child with this women. So if he was a woman he could have had an abortion, as it stands he can't so had to suck up the fact the woman kept the child, and has had to pay for it despite not wanting a child with her.

Women can also give up their child for adoption, and have nothing further to do with them. Not even contributing financially.

TheLashKingOfScotland · 18/05/2020 20:57

He's not the perfect man and your friend is a rubbish friend. No decent man would abandon his child. No good friend would encourage you to continue with such a waste of a relationship.

Viviennemary · 18/05/2020 20:57

Imagine if a woman had a baby when very young and she felt not ready. Gives child up for adoption. New man comes along years later. He finds out. Says you are a shit parent, will you do the same with our children. It's unthinkable.

Choctimeout · 18/05/2020 21:00

He also oats maintenance so I applaud him for that as he certainly doesn’t need to.

When did mumsnet get infested with alt right misogynistic posters. What the fuck is wrong with you lot?

Of course he fucking has too, it's HIS KID!

The Conservative Abstinence Brigade™️ has shown up

Far from it I'm am honorary memebr of the 'Take responsibility for your own actions brigade'.

I'm gobsmacked at this thread. Is this honestly what some of you believe? That all responsibility for the creation/raising of a baby is on the woman if she chooses to not abort?

And the man bears none despite impreganting her? That he couldn't help it or must have been conned into ejaculating?

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 21:02

I think people are being very insensitive bandying the word abandoned about.

There’ll be people on here who will have given a child up for adoption or taken into the foster system.

cantsaynotocake · 18/05/2020 21:03

Hi OP
I feel really sad for you as this is a huge thing to keep from you. I was in a relationship for 5 years and had a child in this relationship. We split up due to a number of reasons. I then found out that he had a child before we met and didn't have anything to do with the little girl. I was heartbroken to think that this poor child was neglected by her father all the while mine was in a loving family, it's a huge secret to keep, but what I'm trying to say is as hard as it is it's so much better you know now before you reproduce with him! I really hope your ok x

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/05/2020 21:04

Going totally against the grain but he had sex as a teen resulting in a pregnancy, from that teenage mistake he had no choice in her having the baby, he didn't want her and didn't want the baby and he didn't want to raise a child he never wanted. He was in his teens! And yet he provided financially, quite a lot too.
There are plenty of people who've had a child adopted and never told future partners, and gone on to be fantastic mothers or fathers. He made a teenage mistake. Yes he should have told you but if everything else is perfect, you should proceed...with caution.

Qwerty543 · 18/05/2020 21:05

A woman gets to choose if she wants to keep a child or not. Men have no choice whatsoever. Why can't men have the same choice. He told her he didn't want a child. She chose to carry on with the pregnancy, as is her right. It's his right to not want to be a parent. At least he pays. Such double standards. He's done nothing wrong.

TheStuffedPenguin · 18/05/2020 21:06

I'm gobsmacked at this thread. Is this honestly what some of you believe? That all responsibility for the creation/raising of a baby is on the woman if she chooses to not abort?

That's not what's happening here though . He has paid to help look after the child . It is her choice to continue with an unwanted pregnancy . It is equally his to say I don't want to be involved.

Mama1980 · 18/05/2020 21:06

Things are never black and white but this sounds bad, I'm sorry.
FWIW I had my ds1 with a man who didn't want a child. We were FWB, who suffered a contraception failure. I wanted my son.
We talked and came to an agreement, long story short he does not play a dad role but he talks to visits my son and keeps in touch, all has worked out well for everyone concerned and I was happy to explain that to his now wife when she asked. No secrets, no drama.
The key thing here is that he lied, repeatedly and worse than that he played the crazy ex card. Well if she's that bad why on earth would he leave a child to be raised by her?! So he's either lying or left a baby in to be raised by someone 'crazy' with no support.
Either way you (and the child) deserve better than a man who would lie about this.

Pasghetti · 18/05/2020 21:07

I'm surprised at some of these reactions. Tbh I would hear him out.

TheLashKingOfScotland · 18/05/2020 21:07

Vivienne you missed the part where the woman lied to her new partner for a year. Hmm

Hunnybears · 18/05/2020 21:08

@Choctimeout

*When did mumsnet get infested with alt right misogynistic posters. What the fuck is wrong with you lot?

Of course he fucking has too, it's HIS KID!*

No he doesn’t with your smart arse response! If his name isn’t on the birth certificate then he doesn’t have to pay as they can’t prove it’s his his child!

He didn’t want a baby with her. She knew that but continued with the pregnancy. You can’t blame that on the man!!

If the tables were turned and the woman didn’t want to go ahead with a pregnancy, the man would get no say at all if he wanted to keep it.