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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do when husband does not see the problem.

144 replies

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 08:39

Been with my husband for nearly 4 years now, got married last year. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage, whom I totally adore. I don;t have kids of my own, and honestly, although we love those little ones, I know THEY ARE NOT MINE. Their mother is a nightmare. My husband acts like a puppy...
Anyways, the kids are with us EVERY WEEKEND. We both work shift work and have a day for us, but I am soooooooooooo tired of not having a weekend with him. He doesn't see that we need that time and I am giving up on having a child of my own, cause I'm tired. I basically do most of the work around HIS KIDS, which I know it's my mistake (get taken for granted a lot!!!!). I think he is in the comfort zone in a way that he already has kids.
He says he wants more kids but I JUST DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING.
Our communication is very very poor, with either me or him shutting down and not talking or having massive fights. I can't seem to be able to open his mind to the fact that we need our time too and some focus in our family.
I feel like I'm getting old, sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time. As much as I love my step kids, I want to have my own, and I'm tired of all the work.
Don't really know what to do.
Anyone experiencing something like that????

OP posts:

DeeplyMovingExperience · 18/05/2020 08:46

This is a really hard one. I have experienced the same. We had DSD every weekend, all weekend, and it did my head in. After a while, it turned out that he only started having DSD every weekend once we had got together. In other words, because there was a woman available to fill the role of mother, with all the cooking, playing, child care etc.

I eventually said that it wasn't right because I never actually got a weekend. He didn't see the problem, because it wasn't a "problem" for him. I said that I didn't want to spend EVERY weekend being a childminder.

I put my foot down and it became EOW which was absolutely fine.

justanotherneighinparadise · 18/05/2020 08:48

Bloody hell if we weren’t in lockdown I’d say go out.

Rainbowshine · 18/05/2020 08:50

He sees women as the ones to do all the work and that won’t change even if it’s EOW. Is that what you want from your partner? Someone that views you as a thing to do what he wants/the stuff he doesn’t want to do?

Bagelsandbrie · 18/05/2020 08:53

Hmm well if you have your own kids you’ll never have a child free weekend...! To be honest I think when you’re in a family with children - step kids or your own - these are things you just accept, unless you have good childcare! And I think all the kids - step children included - should be treated the same. It sounds as if you’d want your own child to take some sort of priority which isn’t right.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/05/2020 08:54

But yes the work should be shared equally between you both...!

DeeplyMovingExperience · 18/05/2020 08:55

I really would suggest that you try an experiment. Make your own arrangements one weekend and leave him to look after his kids. Remind him that they will need breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus everything else that you normally do. Then go out.

Alternatively - do something which requires that you stay in your room all weekend (make up some kind of project).

Essentially, wean him off you being the default child-carer, and everything that goes with it. Let him do it all and clear up the mess.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2020 08:55

Stop doing all the work for his children. Just stop. Your husband can figure out how to care for his own kids, and you can figure out if this marriage is really working for you.

Original poster

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 08:58

I don't want my child to be a priority, because I understand every child should be loved equally. I just mean that we have been in this situation for 2 years now and I can only think of 3 weekends in 2 YEARS that we had by ourselves. My point is that I got married last year, you'd think you'd at least enjoy the newly married life before jumping into having kids. But I wasn't given any choice and he thinks it's MY JOB to take care of the kids cause they are my stepkids.

OP posts:

ThinkPink71 · 18/05/2020 09:02

Totally agree with @DeeplyMovingExperience idea.

wantmorenow · 18/05/2020 09:05

My exH s partner has been very smart from the off. Whenever our kids go and stayed she went out with friends, stated at her daughters or did girls weekends.

Very impressed with her, made him do the parenting pretty much on his own. Her relationship with kids is very much dad's girlfriend not stepmum.

He did fuck all when we were together but has stepped up now. Suggest you do same when possible. It's supposed to be time for them to be with him and for him to parent.

TomNook · 18/05/2020 09:07

So do you now get a clue as to why he’s divorced?

Original poster

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 09:09

Just worried this will cause us to get distant. Although I do understand that I need to step up and think about myself, I also like being part of the family. The kids adore me and give him a very hard time when I'm not around, asking all the time about me.
I'm not a hostage, I understand I let myself go and ended up in this situation, but I don't see much fun in doing all my weekend activities by myself. I mean, what's even the point in being married like that?

OP posts:

Original poster

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 09:10

@TomNook Guess that's a big flag, eh? Ahahahahhahah

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 18/05/2020 09:10

If he thinks it’s your job to look after children, what will happen if you have a child with him?

endofthelinefinally · 18/05/2020 09:11

Well he has got you slotted into the role of live-in nanny.
Does he do their cooking, washing, clearing up, homework supervision, parenting? Because he should be doing all of those things for his children.
Why is their mother a nightmare?
He has no right whatsoever to tell you that his children are your job.
Believe me, if you have your own child, that will be your job too.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/05/2020 09:14

It's not your job to look after his kids, it's his. They visit HIM, not you. If he is treating you like unpaid childcare then he is taking the piss. We have my husband's kids 3 nights a week and although I cook for all of us and do most of the washing, anything related to his kids ie making packed lunches for school/instilling discipline is HIS job, and he knows this. I will quite often make my own arrangements with friends or my own child while his kids are with us. Not that I'm avoiding them and go out all the time, but I know that they don't come to see me. Once we're out of lockdown I would strongly suggest that you do the same.

Original poster

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 09:14

@Endofthelinefinally Because she judges me, saying I'm a bad influence to her kids and for me to stay away from them, I guess cause she is jealous that they love me???
Also she has absolutely no respect for him, her texts are full of hatred and bad words towards him. Maybe something unresolved...

OP posts:

roxfox · 18/05/2020 09:15

I get where your coming from but his kids are for life not just for while he's with his wife.

Why should he get to every other weekend when his ex has them every day and does school run and dinners and all the other lovely shit that comes with child rearing. This is why I refused to ever date any man who had kids because I need my time with my partner. I'm sorry to say this but why should the kids miss out on time with their dad so he can shack up with his new wife!!! It's not their fault. Sorry I don't mean to be harsh but seriously he needs to see his kids at least every weekend other wise he's a part time dad which isn't right imo. I feel so strongly about this because if my marriage were to break down as much as I'd hate to be away from dc I would go for 50/50 custody as children need both parents whenever possible.

Maybe you should reconsider. It's not fair you don't get to have kids of your own if that's what you want. But you married a man with baggage. He doesn't get to leave it outside while you make baggage of your own.

TomNook · 18/05/2020 09:17

I’ll text you probably full of hatred towards him because he never bloody helped when they were married

TomNook · 18/05/2020 09:17

Grr

“Her texts are”

GigiLamour · 18/05/2020 09:20

To be honest, I wouldn't want to be having kids with that man. Sorry.

These are significant problems (the fact that he doesn't SEE the problem with palming his kids off onto you is a massive problem in itself), and they will only get worse if you tie yourself into this situation with even more kids to run after and skivvy for all by yourself.

Sorry, this doesn't sound like a good partner or father.

BlingLoving · 18/05/2020 09:22

I am always a bit surprised by stepmothers who seem to think their partners' DC should make space for their relationship. I mean, you married a man with children, Surely you understood that means they're going to be part of your life?

The issue here OP is that your DH is clearly a prat. he seems to think that child rearing is a woman's job so he's happy to have his kids as long as you do all the work. So the issue is not about the SC. The issue is about your DH. And believe me when I tell you, this won't go away and you'll have the same issue when you have DC. He should be dong his share during the weekend when the kids are around.

As for time together, find a way to make the week''s work. In lockdown, DH and I have barely had any time together because kids are around, have slipped to later bed times etc. That's parenting.

pixiecircles · 18/05/2020 09:23

Why doesn't the children's mother have them at all of a weekend? I assume you have suggested EOW or one in three with her? Unless they'd rather be with you obviously.

Original poster

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 09:26

@pixiecircles She actually suggested we had them for the whole weekend every other weekend, but he works on Saturdays and can't do that now. I'm not taking the responsibility of watching them by myself while he works cause it's just not fair...

OP posts:

Flower8 · 18/05/2020 09:26

To be honest op i completely understand where you are coming from. I have two children of my own and my dp has two also, mine sadly go one night every weekend to their dad's (due to his work) and my dp has his every other weekend all weekend. And one night in the week.

This allows us as a couple to have time together and go away on the weekends without the children. This is why we've decided to wait to have a child of our own.

I think it's easy for others to say well when you have a child of your own you'll have no time ect but quite frankly they aren't your children, you can love them but equally there needs to be a balance.

I would suggest trying to sit down and talk about it, but if he really digs his heels in I'm not sure what you can do

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