What to do when husband does not see the problem.

[Amanda87]

Been with my husband for nearly 4 years now, got married last year. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage, whom I totally adore. I don;t have kids of my own, and honestly, although we love those little ones, I know THEY ARE NOT MINE. Their mother is a nightmare. My husband acts like a puppy...
Anyways, the kids are with us EVERY WEEKEND. We both work shift work and have a day for us, but I am soooooooooooo tired of not having a weekend with him. He doesn't see that we need that time and I am giving up on having a child of my own, cause I'm tired. I basically do most of the work around HIS KIDS, which I know it's my mistake (get taken for granted a lot!!!!). I think he is in the comfort zone in a way that he already has kids.
He says he wants more kids but I JUST DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING.
Our communication is very very poor, with either me or him shutting down and not talking or having massive fights. I can't seem to be able to open his mind to the fact that we need our time too and some focus in our family.
I feel like I'm getting old, sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time. As much as I love my step kids, I want to have my own, and I'm tired of all the work.
Don't really know what to do.
Anyone experiencing something like that????

How do you divorce the person you thought was the love of your life? How do you get over that?

Your DH sees the problem he just prioritises what he wants over everyone else ls needs!

What weekday does he get off?

Well. I think with enough anger and resentment over how they treat you, you naturally stop loving them.

This often happens are babies are born but it’s not ideal as then the kids get lumbered with a shitty dad.

What does he say when you complain about doing all the work?

Well, he's shown you how involved he would be with a third child around - which is pretty much not at all.

How you get over someone you thought was the love of your life is to let go of the ideal and accept the reality. That's it. You just allow yourself to see them for who they are and either choose to accept that and keep loving them and being with them, knowing they won't change, or you realise who you thought was the love of your life actually isn't.

Also - sometimes you can love someone dearly but it doesn't mean you are right for each other. Accepting that is hard, but stops you pining after a relationship that isn't working in practical terms.

Not sure if possible but I mainly lived with my mum as a child but would stay at my dads one weeknight, and then each weekend it rotated from either fri-sat or sat-sun. Worked really well.

Fri after school go to dads, get dropped off Sat evening and Sun with mum. Next week it would be the other way around. Gave each side of my family time with me on the weekend and also some time to do their own thing. I was happy as a child and even looking back at it now think it made so much sense.

Good stuff: He's dedicated to spending time with me and the kids, he's reliable and I love him.

The way I read this: He's dedicated to spending time with the kids while you're there to look after them for him. He's reliable with the fun stuff, or the stuff he wants to do, and he's reliably absent for the actual parenting.

Saturday night to Sunday night and sometimes till Monday Night.

So he normally has them one day a week (sometimes two). That's not a lot, and he even palms that off onto you.

So all you have become is childcare when he has his DC. Doesnt he do anything with them at all? Its clearly affecting you and he doesnt care- not really a sign of a loving marriage

Being in love with a person doesn't guarantee that they are a decent partner or that they don't have baggage that gets in the way of a relationship. Unfortunately I think you've fallen in love with the wrong person.

Dedicating time to spend with the kids is the bare minimum of parenting. What does he actually do? Is he just fun Dad?

I can only think of 3 weekends in 2 YEARS we have had to ourselves.......youd think youd enjoy newly married life before jumping into having kids

You do realise that most parents dont get 3 child free weekends in 2 years dont you?? But you do get each week day evening child free most parents dont get that either. And you "jumped into" having children the moment your relationship became serious not when got married.

You pointed out that you don't get to know someone without living with them to another PP who has definitely got their sensible head on and not giving any leeway to their partner dumping childcare onto them. You don't have to live with someone to get to know them better at all, quite often the red flags are there before committing further!

Fact is, you lived with and married your DH knowing full well what you were signing up for. His kids are always going to be there and your DH has shown you clearly the type of person he is. Plonking the childcare onto you just because you are a woman and now married to him is out of order. Basically he wanted to marry Mary Poppins and you've walked right into it.

There is nothing wrong with loving your step-children and wanting some space at all. It's the fact that your DH has engineered all of this and takes you for granted. The red flags have always been there, but you have ignored them.

You do realise that most parents dont get 3 child free weekends in 2 years dont you?

The DC's mum gets EVERY weekend childfree, while the OP runs around after them and their father doesn't.

Yeah every weekend but what about every evening?? Every weekday morning, after school?? Does she have that free?

@roxfox Why is it my job and my problem????
I don't care the mother doesn't have those days off. SHE HAD the kid, not me. Why do I have to live on leftovers?

It is still their father who needs to parent his DC when he has them - not treat OP as a live in nanny. What message is this sending to the DC? That the woman is always responsible for childcare, cooking and cooking, never the man.

he's afraid of changing, which means our lives are boring and stuck right now, he's stubborn as fuck, cheap.

I love how you started with the excuse for him being a dickhead. I guess you spend a lot of time thinking up excuses for him giving no actual fucks about his children to the extent that they don't like being with him and ask for you.

He knows full well what is going on but as he has a carer for his children he perfectly happy to have them every weekend. If he had to care for them I doubt it.
They are HIS kids. Stop everything you are doing and let him do all the work. I suggest going away for the first few weekends to a relative and let him get on with it completely alone.
He'll get the message.
That kind of arguing is very destructive and you will split up. Just state what you are and are not doing and leave it at that. End of discussion.
Don't have kids with someone too lazy to care for the children he already has.

He is divorced because he's a sexist, lazy person who believes parenting is women's work.

He doesn't see that we need that time and I am giving up on having a child of my own, cause I'm tired.

That has to be one of the saddest things I've read on here. I'd be utterly devastated if any of my kids gave up having their own children that they wanted to play skivvy and domestic appliance to another person who is too fucking lazy to parent.

Just STOP! Stop living on leftovers. You're what, 33 if your age is based on the year you were born in your nickname?

NO man is worth this.

He doesn't give a shit. He has no respect for you.

99% the reason these men with kids are divorced is because they're shit parents. Amazingly, so many seem to find another women to replace the one they shit all over previously.

Love is respect, this isn't love, this is manipulation.

Get away from this man. He will never change. Next time, when you meet a man with kids, run.

Mum has the kids pretty much 6 days a week, sometimes 5. She ‘leaves’ The kids with DAD and not you 1/2 days a week.

Your DH who, I presume chose to have the children, has given you leftovers and outsources his responsibilities to you.

You're being used.
Please ditch this waste of spunk.

How do you divorce the person you thought was the love of your life? How do you get over that?

Usually you realise they don't value you as a person, which clearly true for you.

Often you then realise they love bombed you and told you what you wanted to hear as part of the sales pack for getting you to replace their previous house elf.

Then you start behaving as if you are not his slave. Then you see his true colours more clearly.

The love dies but by bit as you realise you were in love with an illusion not reality.

Of course many people realise love is not enough. Him: lazy selfish manchild. You: want children. Result: he is unsuitable to be the father of your children so you decide to cut your losses before you lose your chance to have children.

I'm 34. I fear it's too late to even meet someone and even think of having kids... =/
Obviously that doesn't mean I'd make the mistake of having his kid outta despair.

@TwentyViginti the Mum has 24hours away from her children (saturday night til sunday night as OP states upthread) the Mum has still got them day time Saturday it's hardly every weekend off.

Start finding yourself again. Make a way to be out of there when his children visit. Maybe take up long walks in the countryside. Stop doing all the housework.

Don't announce any of it. Just stop doing it and look slightly bemused if he mentions it. "I don't know why you have no clean pants." Or "Yes the bathroom is a state isn't it."