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Original poster

What to do when husband does not see the problem.

144 replies

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 08:39

Been with my husband for nearly 4 years now, got married last year. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage, whom I totally adore. I don;t have kids of my own, and honestly, although we love those little ones, I know THEY ARE NOT MINE. Their mother is a nightmare. My husband acts like a puppy...
Anyways, the kids are with us EVERY WEEKEND. We both work shift work and have a day for us, but I am soooooooooooo tired of not having a weekend with him. He doesn't see that we need that time and I am giving up on having a child of my own, cause I'm tired. I basically do most of the work around HIS KIDS, which I know it's my mistake (get taken for granted a lot!!!!). I think he is in the comfort zone in a way that he already has kids.
He says he wants more kids but I JUST DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING.
Our communication is very very poor, with either me or him shutting down and not talking or having massive fights. I can't seem to be able to open his mind to the fact that we need our time too and some focus in our family.
I feel like I'm getting old, sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time. As much as I love my step kids, I want to have my own, and I'm tired of all the work.
Don't really know what to do.
Anyone experiencing something like that????

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 18/05/2020 09:28

If you have children with this man you will at least know exactly what you're getting yourself into. If you think you're tired now then imagine a new born in the mix.

As for the poor communication between you, I would try couples counselling. You hopefully wouldn't need too many sessions to be shown how to communicate more successfully, although are you sure your DH wants to hear you?

I think it's good that he has his kids every weekend, although it's a shame he's delegated looking after them to you. Do you think it would be fair to them to say that they they can only see their dad every other weekend because dad's got a new family now?

Tableclothing · 18/05/2020 09:30

Is this something that's changed since you got married?

Theplotisgoneawayforever · 18/05/2020 09:31

How do you know they ask about you all the time when you're not around....... is he telling you that? I wonder what purpose that will serve?

Tableclothing · 18/05/2020 09:31

Fwiw he sounds like a crap dad, sorry. Think very very carefully before inflicting him as dad to your own children.

TwentyViginti · 18/05/2020 09:36

Yep a lot of divorced men with DC move another woman in to do the shitwork with DC when he has them over.

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 09:37

I don't understand many of the Acronyms. Ahahahahhaha

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 18/05/2020 09:42

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

pinkyredrose · 18/05/2020 09:43

How did it come about that you did most of the stuff for his kids? Did he just sit around being useless at mealtimes, bedtimes etc while you did all the work, did you take over or did he ask you?

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 09:44

@pinkyredrose Guess I was too naive/stupid.
It all started with me wanting to help. You know how it goes when you do something as a favor and then that automatically becomes your job???

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/05/2020 09:45

Could you try going to him with suggestions rather than saying 'this is a problem, what are you going to do about it?' Maybe suggest that you swap a weekend day for a weekday - once we are out of lockdown? Have them midweek rather than all weekend? It may be that his ex will resist this because she wants to have her weekends 'off', but you need weekends 'off' too.

But I second that you let him do the heavy lifting. The kids might love you, but even birth parents can't ALWAYS be around - they will get used to you doing your own thing and he needs to learn to parent.

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 09:46

In all fairness, he doesn't tell me to cook or clean or anything. He makes sure to say: But I didn't ask you to do this...
Like seriously, you might've not asked for it, but you're expecting it. And be a little appreciative, dude.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 18/05/2020 09:47

Perhaps their mother thinks he should be parenting their children? Rather than him delegating it to you.
I don't know. It all sounds a bit off to me.
Every weekend is an odd arrangement - usually it is every other weekend and the NR parent does one night during the week. Unless it is 50-50. But even 50-50 is usually alternate weekends.
Unless parents work weekends and have days off in the week.

stairgates · 18/05/2020 09:47

If hes this hands off with the 2 he has then he would be as useless? with a new one. Maybe he isnt the man for you, if you decide to start again then maybe find somebody who doesnt already have kids. Also a women only has a certain length of time to have biological children so if its something you want to experience then you unfortunately do have a clock. You may find you leave DH and he gets somebody else and is expecting as baby with them before you know it, it does happen.

pinkyredrose · 18/05/2020 09:48

You know how it goes when you do something as a favor and then that automatically becomes your job

No i really don't. What are the things that are 'your job'?

Muh2020 · 18/05/2020 09:50

Another one.
There was a thread like this a few weeks ago.

He has it all nicely known up sewn up now, doesn't he?
Your purpose is to do the wifework for him.

Because she judges me, saying I'm a bad influence to her kids and for me to stay away from them, I guess cause she is jealous that they love me???
So wait, you're a bad influence but yet good enough for her to palm them off on you each and every weekend till 2032?

Bin him and move out.
That's the only solution.
Both of these parents are merely losers and hassle attracters.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 18/05/2020 09:55

Well its a problem for you and you are both supposed to be a team. So either he needs to recognize its a problem and do something about it or you need to divorce him. Thats what is comes down to. So give youself a time limit - when do things need to change by. Dont tell him when the limit is. The chances are he will do just enough for just long enough and then stop agsin.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/05/2020 10:02

I really would suggest that you try an experiment. Make your own arrangements one weekend and leave him to look after his kids. Remind him that they will need breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus everything else that you normally do. Then go out.

Fuck that shit! Remind a grown man that his children need to eat?! Do you think he needs reminding that HE needs food? He’s well aware that humans need food to survive - he just doesn’t think it’s his job.

ittooshallpass · 18/05/2020 10:03

You need a serious chat so he fully understands how you are feeling. He needs to understand this is a deal breaker for you. It is perfectly reasonable to have the children EOW.

Although I must say if you had the children every weekend before you married, why did you expect it to change?

If he won't budge? Seriously... I'd cut your losses and get out now before you have your own child and find yourself doing 100% of all aspects of childcare for all his children.

Whatisthisfuckery · 18/05/2020 10:07

OP you’ve got two problems here.

1, your H is a crap lazy dad who leaves all the looking after his own children to you so you don’t get a minute either with him or to yourself.

2, you want your own kids but you can’t, because of 1.

Even if you do have your own kids you’ll always be stuck with 1, because he’s a crap lazy dad who leaves all the childcare to you.

RhymesWithOrange · 18/05/2020 10:08

Take a massive step back in the practical care of the children. That is primarily their father's job.

And take a long hard look at your marriage overall.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/05/2020 10:09

FWIW my DP used to have his DC every weekend as he had 50/50 for that half of the week. He would bring them to my house and suggest we do some art or baking etc and then slope off for a nap while I supervised everything and cleared up afterwards. That stopped pretty sharpish once I realised what was happening and I am now very vocal about him and his DCs pulling their weight when we spend time together. He now has them full time and the main reason we don’t live together is because I don’t want to become the default parent/housekeeper to him and his DCs. I’ll wait until they’re old enough to leave home before making any commitment to live with him. Step-parenting sounds like a thankless task at the best of times.

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 10:14

@MarkRuffaloCrumble don;t you think you are wasting your time?
I mean, you get to truly know a person by living with them.

OP posts:
Laaf80 · 18/05/2020 10:18

If he works on the Saturday do you have them all weekend or just on Sundays?

Do you generally do all the housework when the kids are not there?

I find quite a few women don’t mind doing everything but then expect him to step up when the step kids arrive, not realising that they shouldn’t be doing everything anyway

In general he is showing what he would be like as a father. Probably worse actually as you’d need even more help with your own and he is a lazy bastard.

You are seeing what he is so you have a choice, put up with it or move on.

emilybrontescorsett · 18/05/2020 10:19

I’m going to be blunt here op.
Wtf are you doing?
The kids are your dhs responsibility.
Why on earth are you doing this.
Seriously.
Your dh sounds like a waste of space.
If it wasn’t lock down I would suggest booking a weekend away with friends, telling your dh you are going and leaving it at that. The next weekend go out for the day Saturday. If you don’t have a friend available go out by yourself.
You have got yourself into a pickle here and you need to put a stop to it.
The kids deserve to spend time with their father. Sometimes and it is sometimes, they can spend time with all of you.
When/if we get back to normal you need to stop enabling his laziness.
He should not be palming his kids off onto you.
If he is working then he needs to see the kids after work or alter his work pattern.
If he is not prepared to do this then think very, very hard about having a child with him.
He is showing you the type of father he is and quite frankly it’s not looking great.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 18/05/2020 10:23

I am not in this position, so from an outside point of view:
Can you say something along the lines of - It's lovely that you want your children every weekend, but as much as I love them, I am constantly shattered and ultimately whilst in this house they are your responsibility. Therefore when they are here you are now going to be the one caring for them and I am going to have some time to myself.
Still be nice & chat etc, but when they come to you wanting something - "Ask your dad sweetie". And keep sending them to him for everything.
If you want to cook dinner for all, go ahead, but he can clear up. If they get up early & need supervision, you stay in bed or go and have a relaxing bath behind a locked door. Take your time doing what you want.
If there is moaning from him, be firm and repeat "They are YOUR children. They are here for YOUR PARENTAL CONTACT. I love them, I will enjoy some time with them, but YOU are doing the parenting".
As we are still unable to go out and escape, your options are rather limited, but this would be a start.