What to do when husband does not see the problem.

[Amanda87]

Been with my husband for nearly 4 years now, got married last year. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage, whom I totally adore. I don;t have kids of my own, and honestly, although we love those little ones, I know THEY ARE NOT MINE. Their mother is a nightmare. My husband acts like a puppy...
Anyways, the kids are with us EVERY WEEKEND. We both work shift work and have a day for us, but I am soooooooooooo tired of not having a weekend with him. He doesn't see that we need that time and I am giving up on having a child of my own, cause I'm tired. I basically do most of the work around HIS KIDS, which I know it's my mistake (get taken for granted a lot!!!!). I think he is in the comfort zone in a way that he already has kids.
He says he wants more kids but I JUST DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING.
Our communication is very very poor, with either me or him shutting down and not talking or having massive fights. I can't seem to be able to open his mind to the fact that we need our time too and some focus in our family.
I feel like I'm getting old, sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time. As much as I love my step kids, I want to have my own, and I'm tired of all the work.
Don't really know what to do.
Anyone experiencing something like that????

You have to live with the leftovers because you chose a man who already has kids. It's not about you it's about him. She made those children with him so if you choose to be with him you get less alone time because he has responsibilities. How would you feel if she met someone and decided he had to look after the kids all week long and would only have them from Saturday night till Sunday???

It's not too late for you to start again if you can't deal with it. I personally wouldn't be able to cope at all, I'm far too selfish. Wish you all the best OP, whatever you decided.

@Amanda87
Forgot to mention he's cheap as fuck and NEVER EVER takes us out for lunch, dinner... I understand he spends a lot on child support but why do I HAVE TO SUFFER WITH THAT?
Sorry - so why did you marry him? He really doesn't sound like either a good partner nor a good father.

I can see what he's getting out of this but what are YOU getting from this relationship? Either now or in the future- particularly if go have a child/children with him?

I really would suggest that you try an experiment. Make your own arrangements one weekend and leave him to look after his kids.
Yes to this. I think you can now drive out for the day during relaxed lockdown but can't stay overnight. Leave early with a picnic for one.

Remind him that they will need breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus everything else that you normally do.
But not this! He's an adult and a father - he should know this! If he doesn't then it's time he did.

Love is respect, this isn't love, this is manipulation.
This right there.

Sorry OP but this man has no respect for you. Are you sure you can stay in this relationship and give up hope of having your own children in an equal partnership? The ball is in your court.

Personally I'd be making my own plans for a future without him in it.

So op are you going to start going out when the kids are supposedly with their dad?
Or are you going to carry on as normal.

@emilybrontescorsett, nope!
I'm leaving this house and starting over on my own. Fuck that, I deserve better!

Good luck op you do deserve better.

Thanks!!!!! I'm afraid of nothing. Might be broken and hurt as fuck, but I'll survive.

When are you going? Got a plan yet?

Wow! I wish you luck in whatever you do, Amanda87, it sounds as though you're really at the end of your tether.

Very glad you've seen the light OP.
You are young.
Do not tie yourself to this life.
You do deserve far better.
Don't waste any more of your time with this loser.
He brings literally nothing to the table.
Get out. Enjoy singledom.

Leave him to look after his own kids.
Go out there and grab life and get what YOU want!

I'm leaving this house and starting over on my own. Fuck that, I deserve better!

Good on you, OP. You can rebuild your life, for sure, whatever your age. I'm soon to turn 50 and I had to rebuild my life 2 years ago.

Make sure you get a shit hot lawyer and your share of the assets.

One problem I can see with this is something that happened to a woman I know. She did the same. Step kids. None of her own. She did everything. Every weekend. Fast forward a few years and he’s basically taking the piss. Using her as a babysitter while he goes out every weekend with his mates so they split and she’s left with nothing. No rights to see the step kids that she’s helped to raise and wasted years and no kids of her own and now too late to have her own. You need a big think really. Is this what you really want? Being exhausted from looking after somebody else’s kids. Maybe find somebody else and be exhausted looking after your own?

@TorkTorkBam we don't have any assets.

Make sure you get a financial order with the divorce.

You dont want him racking up debts and/or coming after your assets later.

Good on you op.

An ex was like that, though we only had dsd every other weekend. I did everything for her and with her (though I didn't mind because I loved doing it) but then when I had a child with him, he didn't help at all and that I resented.

You deserve better.

You have a h problem. What is it with lazy arse men who can't even take care of their own dc??

Next weekend, go out. All day. Leave him to it.

Then sit down and talk to him properly. Do you actually want a dc with a man like this???

Come to a compromise about how often you see his dc - eow is normal.

Good luck...

@DeeplyMovingExperience

I really would suggest that you try an experiment. Make your own arrangements one weekend and leave him to look after his kids. Remind him that they will need breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus everything else that you normally do. Then go out.

Alternatively - do something which requires that you stay in your room all weekend (make up some kind of project).

Essentially, wean him off you being the default child-carer, and everything that goes with it. Let him do it all and clear up the mess.

Brilliant 🙌

I dunno - it sounds like The problem is that OP’s DH is working on Sat, but his kids come over. So, really he needs to make the calculation that many women make (though in reality it should be the couple together): does he stay at home to look after the kids or pay for childcare? It makes most sense for him to stay and look after the kids unless there are pressing financial issues.

However, people have to also remember that his ex will probably have to make the same calculation during the week as his child maintenance probably does not cover all the family bills. Eg she either has to be there to pick kids up from school or her relative/partner has to do it or she pays for a childminder.