What to do when husband does not see the problem.

[Amanda87]

Been with my husband for nearly 4 years now, got married last year. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage, whom I totally adore. I don;t have kids of my own, and honestly, although we love those little ones, I know THEY ARE NOT MINE. Their mother is a nightmare. My husband acts like a puppy...
Anyways, the kids are with us EVERY WEEKEND. We both work shift work and have a day for us, but I am soooooooooooo tired of not having a weekend with him. He doesn't see that we need that time and I am giving up on having a child of my own, cause I'm tired. I basically do most of the work around HIS KIDS, which I know it's my mistake (get taken for granted a lot!!!!). I think he is in the comfort zone in a way that he already has kids.
He says he wants more kids but I JUST DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING.
Our communication is very very poor, with either me or him shutting down and not talking or having massive fights. I can't seem to be able to open his mind to the fact that we need our time too and some focus in our family.
I feel like I'm getting old, sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time. As much as I love my step kids, I want to have my own, and I'm tired of all the work.
Don't really know what to do.
Anyone experiencing something like that????

Concerned7777 whatever the time/days the mother has her kids - they are HER kids. The problem here is the father doesn't parent HIS kids when he has them, but leaves it all to OP who has NO kids.

@TwentyViginti do you think mum is to blame for the OPs dilemma? What do you think mum should do?

I'm not a hostage, I understand I let myself go and ended up in this situation, but I don't see much fun in doing all my weekend activities by myself. I mean, what's even the point in being married like that?
Well, quite. If this marriage is a dead duck you are doing yourself and the step children a favour by moving yourself to your new normal asap. Absent yourself so DH has to learn to meal plan and bond with his own children.

How old are the children?

Laaf80

Eh?

OP, 34 is certainly not too old to start again, or to have kids with a better man!
And even if it was, that’s no reason to stay in a shit marriage with a lazy sexist pig who is using you as an unpaid childminder and housekeeper!
I had my own DC at 33 and 35. Two friends had theirs at 42. Among my generation and social group, mid to late 30’s was very much the average, and for the current young generation, they all seem to be waiting longer to get on the housing ladder and establish careers before having kids. My own youngest DD is pushing 30 and has never even had a long term relationship yet - she’s in no hurry, and enjoys life with the current boyfriend. Elder DD is nearly 31, in a relationship, but doesn’t want kids for years if at all.
Please don’t “settle” for this marriage that meets none of your needs. You deserve a better life than just being a domestic servant.

You can be in love with someone and have some respectable boundaries in place.

Think about what you want out of this relationship. Him to take responsibility for his dc, him to do the lions share of looking after them, him to take you out and date you, weekends free etc etc. This isn't a big list of unreasonable expectations of a husband. Then and only then, I'd even consider having children with him.

I don't care the mother doesn't have those days off. SHE HAD the kid, not me. Why do I have to live on leftovers?

Because you married a man with children?

Your posts have been super emotive and garnered a lot of sympathy but if you actually read the detail what you’re saying is that you and your DH have his kids 24 hours in a whole week, possibly 48 some weeks - and you think that’s too much?

What do you want the mother to do - have the kids all week and all weekend too so that her feckless ex who can’t be arsed parenting gets to enjoy ALL the child free time and appease his new wife?

Yes she had the kids, but so did your husband - he doesn’t get to opt out of parenting any more than he does.

If you feel you’re doing too much for the kids and he’s not doing enough then THAT’S the issue you need to address.

You seem to be pissed off with the fact he has kids and therefore you don’t get all weekend free (in addition to all week child free) and even say ‘why should it be your problem’ that he pays child support. Well it’s your problem because you got into a relationship knowing he had children and you married him on that basis.

What solution would you like to see? If it’s that he steps up and does more parenting when his kids are there, and spends the time you don’t have the children doing nice things with you and not being ‘tight’ with money (assuming there’s some left over that is) then no, you’re not unreasonable at all. But those issues are about him, not his kids, and those are what you need to focus on when talking to him.

If it’s that you wish he’d spend less time with his kids altogether (when it sounds like he doesn’t spend that much with them really), wish he’d spend less money on child support and overall wish you didn’t have to consider his kids at all because they’re interfering with your weekend plans then you’re being massively unreasonable and should leave and find someone without children.

What Babdoc said. Gawd, how sad, that you think you have to put up with this shit because you're 34 and it's too late. It's never too late to dump a twat excuse for a person. This is no way to live. You made a mistake marrying a sexist, lazy man with kids who is using you. Don't throw away your life over one mistake.

He will never change, don't even bother. It's why he's divorced.

No one deserves to throw away their lives to enable a git like this.

The DC's mum gets EVERY weekend childfree, while the OP runs around after them and their father doesn't.

I read it as if mum having 2 days a week free = OP running around for them. I don’t see the relevance of how much free time Mum has?

No doubting her DH is a lazy bastard where his parenting skills/responsibilities are concerned. But it seems this has always been the case as she says it's been going on for years and yet she chose to marry him last year anyway knowing this. My response about the weekend was because OP was quite clearly annoyed they dont get a weekend to themselves, as well as the fact he does nothing with the children. Even if he did look after his dc when they come over they still wouldn't have a weekend to themselves.
OP how old are the dc? Was his lazy parenting part of the reason he split with their Mum?
34 is not too old to start again and have children with someone else please dont write this off for yourself if thats what you want. If you choose not to have children please let it be because you dont want to have them at all not because you dont want to have them with your husband. Time to reflect and make some big decisions I think.

If I had my children for only 24 hours a week and my spouse was putting pressure on me to have them less than that paltry amount because it eats into the 48 hour weekend, I would be ditching my spouse. My ex and I do 50/50 because that is best for the children. The DC's didn't ask to be born, your DH chose to have them. If you don't like that you gave the choice to walk away. Your DH should look after his own DC, no doubt, but you can't tell him how much he should have them. They came into his life before you and shoukd be his priority.

Also she has absolutely no respect for him, her texts are full of hatred and bad words towards him.
He doesn't like his own children. He cannot be arsed to look after them for a measly 24 hrs each weekend. The children come home talking about how great you are and not talking about their dad at all.

I would have no respect for him too.

I am surprised you respect him.

When you stop being a doormat I bet his reaction will soon have you spilling hatred and bad words. That's without you even having your children ignored.

If I had my children for only 24 hours a week and my spouse was putting pressure on me to have them less than that paltry amount because it eats into the 48 hour weekend, I would be ditching my spouse.

The spouse who does the bulk of the parenting during your paltry 24 hours? Would you really?

Surely with so little time he should be bending over backwards to spend as much time with his kids as possible, NOT getting someone else to do the work for him. Don’t judge her, he’s the lazy idiot, she’s just a mug.

Am I right that he has the children this often so that he can minimise his child maintenance payments to his former wife?

So you are effectively subsidising him. He is using you to save himself money. He will never prioritise relationship time with you over money, because he is cheap.

People who are cheap are like that about everything, not just money. Of course you end up doing the bulk of the actual parenting.

Do not inflict this man on your future children as their father.

The only chance to save your relationship is by forcing him to parent and seeing if he steps up. You can keep doing everything until you crack and scream at him to fuck off while throwing his clothes after him, or you can make the effort every weekend to sit back and let him do all the parenting. You could plan lines like ‘I’d love to hang out but I really really want to go out for dinner. If dp wants to take us all that would be amazing , otherwise I’ll phone a friend.’ For meals at home just don’t get up and start preparing. If he asks what’s for dinner say I don’t mind, whatever you feel like cooking.

Or, you could think about all that effort and how it’s no surprise he’s divorced and call it quits.

Also she has absolutely no respect for him, her texts are full of hatred and bad words towards him.

He's a lazy sexist who doesn't parent his own children, why on Earth should she respect him?

Quite a lot to unpack here. You could have your own child with him in which case you'd certainly never have free time just with him unless at some point you get childcare. You don't really want to because I think you are worried this marriage is a non starter. So that's what you need to work out, it's not really about the kids. I guess you feel you can't work that out with the kids around,,but plenty of people run into trouble after they've had kids but before they are married. I don't want to upset you but I'm a bit sceptical of your emphasis of needing time with him since you've not been married long. I had a nine week old baby when i got married to a man I'd been seeing for a year - there was no "us" time. How long you've been together is surely more of a factor, and it's hardly a new relationship, is it. If at this point in the relationship you feel there are aspects to him you don't like or don't understand, that is an issue that has nothing to do with the kids.And stop doing all the work for him.

@AnneLovesGilbert bulk of the parenting its 24 hours a week which they will sleep approx 8-10 of those. They cant be babies if you have been together 4 years presumably they can toilet and feed themselves. Of course he should be doing his bit not disputing that at all but come on its hardly 24/7 upto the eye balls in shitty nappies with a screaming baby. I think OP should have some input though not just her DH. The "not my responsibility " thing and "HIS kids not mine" is ok when you are dating but when you married him you married into them too and they became your family not some inconvenience to your weekend. Suggestions that you go out every time he has them are awful how would that make the children feel that their step Mum avoids them . The parenting should be done together not 1 person or the other.

Surely can only be exhausted because you are either unwell (Vit D deficiency makes you feel like that) or you are literally doing all the mental load and work for him and the DC as well as working?

Are You basically the skivvy and in swans in home to a clean and tidy house and cooked meal?

This is why he got divorced the first time. And will probably be the reason the second time.

His Ex knows what shit he's trying to pull on you. And the poor kids are in the middle.

I wasn't given any choice and he thinks it's MY JOB to take care of the kids cause they are my stepkids
That doesn't sound like a 'puppy'....does it?
Sounds like a deluded, tin-pot dictator who only bows to whoever has a stronger sense of self than him - his ex.

This 'man' has basically told you the same he told his ex- the kids are women's responsibility and looking after him is also the woman's responsibility.

He's suckered you into being unpaid childcare for him and you enable him in taking the piss out of ALL of you.

He's doing to you what he did to his ex.
He can't crack the whip with her anymore so he's doing it to you.

Surely the first thing to do would be to stop doing all the work that the kids require. Let him do it. You could just have the fun time with them! Let him see that it does actually need an effort made to look after kids. Just stop! Stop being a martyr.

And tell him, either we sort out the weekends to something more manageable or I am off.

OP: "Also she has absolutely no respect for him, her texts are full of hatred and bad words towards him."

He's a lazy sexist who doesn't parent his own children, why on Earth should she respect him?

This.

He's making an absolute mug of you! You're wasting some of your best years doing ALL of the parenting that needs to be done, when the child's actual parent is present and capable in the same house as you. Sorry but why the fuck are you doing this?

This is who he is.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who sees his children 2 days out of every 7 and chooses to use 0% of that time actually parenting and taking responsibility for them?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would rather you made his life easier by doing everything you do now, knowing it's ruining your vision of being a mother one day and actually making you reconsider it?

You sound a lovely step mum.

And I'm sure you'd be a lovely mum too. He's not the only man you could share that with. Why are you wasting your efforts on him?

This 'man' has basically told you the same he told his ex- the kids are women's responsibility and looking after him is also the woman's responsibility.

Perfectly put, this.

Well, we can all see why this man was divorced.