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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when husband does not see the problem.

144 replies

Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 08:39

Been with my husband for nearly 4 years now, got married last year. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage, whom I totally adore. I don;t have kids of my own, and honestly, although we love those little ones, I know THEY ARE NOT MINE. Their mother is a nightmare. My husband acts like a puppy...
Anyways, the kids are with us EVERY WEEKEND. We both work shift work and have a day for us, but I am soooooooooooo tired of not having a weekend with him. He doesn't see that we need that time and I am giving up on having a child of my own, cause I'm tired. I basically do most of the work around HIS KIDS, which I know it's my mistake (get taken for granted a lot!!!!). I think he is in the comfort zone in a way that he already has kids.
He says he wants more kids but I JUST DON'T SEE IT HAPPENING.
Our communication is very very poor, with either me or him shutting down and not talking or having massive fights. I can't seem to be able to open his mind to the fact that we need our time too and some focus in our family.
I feel like I'm getting old, sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time. As much as I love my step kids, I want to have my own, and I'm tired of all the work.
Don't really know what to do.
Anyone experiencing something like that????

OP posts:
tarasmalatarocks · 18/05/2020 10:26

Well put it like this- it’s good experience for if you have kids because you don’t suddenly get weekends free then either— and just because they are ‘your own’ doesn’t make it any easier. If however the big problem is that he isn’t stepping up then you have had a foretaste of what the score will be for you. If you get involved with men with young kids who do like seeing their kids a lot (which is good) then the children are part of the package. If you don’t want them every weekend then it’s up to you to tell him that and explain why not

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 10:28

Forgot to mention he's cheap as fuck and NEVER EVER takes us out for lunch, dinner... I understand he spends a lot on child support but why do I HAVE TO SUFFER WITH THAT?

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 18/05/2020 10:34

Honestly OP is this the man you want to father your own DC? He'll provide the sperm but little else.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2020 10:34

Your marriage is a joke. Sorry, but why did you tie yourself to him when you knew the shitty deal and that it wasn’t going to change?

If you want to be a mum and have your own children you know you’ll have to leave him and find someone else.

Being a step parent is hard but one of the benefits of doing it before you have your own is you get to see exactly what your partner is like as a parent before you have any together. You’ve signed up for a ridiculous set up with a lazy thoughtless man who’s failing his own kids and doesn’t care about you. On top of that you admit your communication is crap and you fight a lot. It’s not meant to be like this. Have you had other relationships in the past? Being with someone is supposed to make your life easier and better.

Laserbird16 · 18/05/2020 10:34

Why are you with him? This definitely a DH problem. Ignore the whole having your own child issue for a moment, your relationship sounds a pretty shitty deal for you

emilybrontescorsett · 18/05/2020 10:35

Op you don’t have to suffer with this.
You seriously need to go out and leave him to it.
Go out and buy your own lunch.
They are HIS kids.
It’s not hard to see why his ex sends scathing texts to him.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/05/2020 10:36

don;t you think you are wasting your time?
I mean, you get to truly know a person by living with them.

Not really. We’ve been together many years now and it hasn’t always been this way - the parental responsibility has shifted over the years and he has stayed with me plenty. I know him well enough to know that he’s a good man, he loves me, and that right now I’m happy to see him on my terms, but also that he’s inherently messy, doesn’t plan ahead and would rather spend money than time to sort a problem, whereas I’m - by necessity - the other way round!

Although the DCs live at his house full time, he also has another family member living there, so he does get to come and stay over sometimes and we go on holidays together etc so have spent plenty of time in each other’s company. It’s just that their mum doesn’t really have regular parental responsibility so it’s a bit trickier to arrange.

He’s never really taken responsibility for running a home as his lodger has always done a lot of that, but over time he’s had to step up more, so I’m hoping that by the time we’re in a position to move in, he’ll be more domesticated Grin

emilybrontescorsett · 18/05/2020 10:36

No wonder the kids ask about you all the time, if this is true.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/05/2020 10:43

Very good advice from @CoffeeBeansGalore

Muh2020 · 18/05/2020 10:43

Oh please, divorce him already. This will never get better.

TerrorWig · 18/05/2020 10:49

Just coming back to an earlier post:

I really would suggest that you try an experiment. Make your own arrangements one weekend and leave him to look after his kids. Remind him that they will need breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus everything else that you normally do. Then go out

Any man that needs to be reminded to feed his own children is a fucking dickhead.

OP, honestly I’d be making tracks to end this relationship. You’re his live-in nanny - except more like a slave because you have all of the work but don’t get paid for it. No wonder the kids mother is pissed off - he’s a deadbeat dad with you as his defender.

I agree with other posters - the kids are not the problem. The husband is the problem.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2020 10:52

You are being treated like a domestic appliance

Menora · 18/05/2020 10:55

What are you so afraid of happening if you stand up for yourself properly?

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 10:59

@Menora I have had the best and the worst time of my life with this guy. When we are good, it's heaven. When we're not, it's a complete hell.
I don't really know what's keeping me from saying Fuck that!!! I guess love... I truly love him!

OP posts:
Laaf80 · 18/05/2020 11:11

Does he love you as much?

My DH does as much in the house as I do for many reasons but also because he loves me enough not to treat me as a skivvy.

NoMoreDickheads · 18/05/2020 11:14

It's commendable that he's keen to have his kids every weekend, but when he's with them he should do the work or the vast majority of the work. Him having kids around is kind of what you signed up for unfortunately.

have had the best and the worst time of my life with this guy. When we are good, it's heaven. When we're not, it's a complete hell

What else goes on in the relationship?

DeeplyMovingExperience · 18/05/2020 11:16

I remember we had DSD for 2 weeks during the summer holidays and guess what... he didn't take any time off work! So muggins here had to take time off and be the on-call child minder. There was always an excuse, or a reason why he had to be doing something else.

You already know how much input you can expect from him if you have a child together, and your resentment will only get worse.

Yes, you love him. But is this really the man you want to have a child with? His first family will always come first. You will always have money stress. It's not a great starting point, and raising kids is bloody hard!

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 11:19

@NoMoreDickheads Lack of communication, he's afraid of changing, which means our lives are boring and stuck right now, he's stubborn as fuck, cheap.

Good stuff: He's dedicated to spending time with me and the kids, he's reliable and I love him.

Honestly at this point, after reading all I have, I'm not sure he even loves me at all although he says it all the time. Maybe I'm just convenient for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 11:21

@DeeplyMovingExperience did you split???

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/05/2020 11:26

Just stop doing the actual parenting (just do the nice fun bits) and don't do his share of anything... do stuff for you when the DC are over rather than always doing everything with them.

Read the book wifework for a start....

It reads like you are a domestic appliance tbh.

cravingthelook · 18/05/2020 11:26

I find it's interesting that weekdays are with his ex and weekends with you and your DH. My ex and I have 50/50. It's a bit of a complicated schedule due to work but mostly so we both have weekend time to do the fun stuff. When does she get to do the nice fun day out stuff with the kids? She seems to have all of the weekday practical stuff. Maybe that's why she's resentful.

I would make sure your H is doing 50% of the practical caregiving when the kids are there. If you don't do that now it will never happen if you have your own child.

TwentyViginti · 18/05/2020 11:27

Amanda87 I love you.

See how easy that is? Do I mean it?

Watch his actions, rather than listen to his words. His actions say he 'loves' you as long as you soley see to his kids needs to save him the bother and don't moan about it

pinkyredrose · 18/05/2020 11:29

Actions speak far far louder than words OP.

Laaf80 · 18/05/2020 11:30

I’m not sure he had them all weekend. OP says that he works Saturday and she doesn’t have them while he does so (which is fair enough).

Original poster
Amanda87 · 18/05/2020 11:32

@Laaf80 Saturday night to Sunday night and sometimes till Monday Night.

OP posts: