I think my partner may be autistic, what do I do?

[ididntmeanit]

I've only been with him for 6 months.

In the beginning I found it hard to connect with him but he told me he understood but to give him chance.

It turned out that this was wise advice because we soon fell deeply in love

We are generally happy but having encountered a few stresses in our lives, I've started to see that some of the things he does, which he says he genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, he doesn't mean but are because he may not be NT.

Examples

When we first got together, he plonked himself into my life, said He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

He has to ask me if I'm upset. Many times he has just left the room, gone to work etc while I've been crying

He can't think outside the box, for example, I was having an operation and it simply did not occur to him that he may be able to get a few hours off work to support me

He has never paid me a compliment ever...but says he always thinks nice things about me, just can't get it into words.

He has never bought me flowers, done anything romantic

He is obsessed with wether appliances are working or not, like really obsessed.

He is unable to give me comfort or reassurance other than solid practical advice

He does have meltdowns which are completely out of character and it's always when he is tired.

The reason I am writing this is that I am in love with this man, he has a lot to give and gives all he can to me. But having being through a very difficult time recently, I feel very let down. I feel like he hasn't supported me, that he's just watched me cry sometimes. When I do cry he just says Stop crying. There is zero tenderness.

I'd just like to know anyone's thoughts, if anyone has experienced similar and how we can work around things...

My teen is autistic and knows better than to behave as you describe. Autistic people might not automatically know things that NT people instinctively know but they learn those things instead. Autism is not an excuse or reason for the behaviour you describe. Your partner just doesn’t sound very nice.

Really?

Do you think I'm making excuses? Love can be blind, I know

Many times he has just left the room, gone to work etc while I've been crying

Why have you been crying many times with him throughout a 6 month relationship?

You need to be very careful about diagnosing him as something when you're not an expert.

Also minimising his outbursts as "out of character". No. They're part of the deal, they're not separate from him.

What do you expect to be able to do about it, even if he is on the spectrum? Does he think his behaviour is problematic? Is he interested in strategies to improve things? It's not something you can do for him.

What would I do?

Walk away.

This relationship will never, ever make you happy. It is doomed to fail. I would be running for the hills.

The crying has been because I've been through some difficulties of my own and he hasn't acknowledged my hurt sometimes, just gone into autopilot to get ready for work etc

I hadn't thought about asking him to consider strategies, that's a really good idea

He IS good and loyal and solid, he would DO anything I asked of him. But it's the fact I have to tell him and ask him that I struggle with.

He might well be autistic but there is nothing you can do about it.

You have to either accept him as he is or leave him, there is highly unlikely to be a 3rd option where he magically changes into someone else.

A very close family member is autistic, and is very responsive to the feelings of those he loves when they're expressed as openly as you're expressing yours. In other words, you cannot simply chalk this up to neurology, particularly because he hasn't been diagnosed.

What’s to love about him OP? What qualities does he have that are making you happy or that you admire in him?

You can't do anything about the fact that he may be autistic.

If he is autistic, you need to change your behaviour to include what you think is "obvious" You have to say "I'm having my operation on Wednesday. Please can you take the day off." or "I'm upset about X. Can you cuddle me for a while and let me vent?" " I like it when you buy me flowers/plan a spontaneous date/whatever you consider romantic. I would like you to do this again sometime"

Meltdowns being "out of character" is an odd sentence. If he's autistic then it's very common.

I'm not saying that an autistic person can't be supportive but they need you to explain what actions you find supportive or not because it may not be something that they know automatically. For example in Big Bang Theory, Sheldon (possible person with autism) has been trained by his mum to make a hot beverage like tea and listen to the other person's problems if they come round to his apartment and are upset. You can tell it's not what he would do if it were his choice but he respects that there are rules around friendships and goes through the motions anyway.

Honestly, if you are only six months in with no ties, DC etc, I would leave. This relationship will bring you much heartbreak, possibly interspersed with moments of joy, but predominantly much heartbreak.

He may have traits of autism, or have enough of those for diagnosis
but you don't know that he does - it may just be his 'character'.
Either way, you cannot change him.

You obviously don't feel he is very empathic.
You can bluntly say: 'this is what I need' and see if he responds well.
If he does, he might be a 'keeper' ASD or not.
If he doesn't, then you are best to walk away, imo.

Having autism or not is immaterial.

The question is, does this person meet your needs, fit well with you, make you happy and support you when you need it?

If the answer to that is no, then no amount of love will fix anything and you need to end it tbh.

I suppose it's about accepting this is who he is and asking yourself will you be happy with someone who:

Is insensitive
Has 'meldowns'
Is not romantic
Offers no compliments, ever
Has unusual quirks
Wont comfort you in times of personal crises.

Do you think that is best you can do for yourself?

You’re not describing autism, you’re describing shitty behaviour. And I say that as a mother of an autistic child. Even my 8 year old wouldn’t walk away when someone he cares about is crying, he knows that means they’re upset and need comfort. Autistic people aren’t heartless or uncaring, just because they’ve trouble recognising some things doesn’t mean they don’t know what “sad” “happy” “hurt” etc is.

Also meltdowns are normally when an overloading of the senses occur - not simply because of tiredness (though it can contribute to it). And adults with autism have normally learned to control their outbursts, they learn just the same as everyone else that their behaviour isn’t acceptable and they need to cope in another way. If he is being violent to you then he is an abuser and you need to leave.

This makes me so sad though. And it's even sadder that he doesn't mean to behave like this

What he does give me is...

Solid when I can be emotional and flighty
Devoted and loyal
Very practical, he will fix anything
Very good in bed, the best I've ever had
Despite the behaviours, this man is 40 years old and I have never met anyone with a heart so pure
He is amazing with my children (they're old enough to cope with anything that may be appropriate)- the things they find hilarious, he does too 😐
I don't think he has the ability to play mind games

So he gives a lot, maybe not what I need, I just wondered if there were any ways around all these things...I just don't want to ever get to the point where I'm tempted to start because he doesn't meet my needs

Take him as you find him. Why he behaves the way he does is rather secondary to how you perceive it and how it therefore affects your relationship. I went out with a guy like that and he was quite definitely not autistic. If I cried when we were having some hideous argument he told me I was pathetic and self pitying. He told me I was stupid all the time (eg. If I didn't finish a sudoku ...). Doesn't really matter why someone is a wanker.

Has he been diagnosed professionally? His behaviour sounds more controlling and selfish rather than autistic which is more sensory overload and communication ... but a huge range with everyone different.

Six months and you are feeling like this. Suggest running fast in the opposite direction!

I'm betting you haven't had many happy, healthy relationships. Of course he has some good points, most people do.

If you ask me the bad far outweigh the good. How often fo you need him to fix things? Surely a friend could help you if needed.

What do you mean by a heart so pure? Leaving you crying sounds very far from pure, as do the meltdowns.

I'm also seeing 'he had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that' as worrying.

Between your 'many times' of crying his meltdowns, it sounds like a dramatic 6 months.

Are your kids witnessing all this high drama? Has he moved in with you already?

He just sounds selfish. An autistic person knows that if you're crying you are upset and asks if you are ok. A shitty person thinks they can't be bothered with your crying and runs off to work. He sounds more narcissistic than autistic to be honest.

He had made up his mind he was having me, and that was that

Hmmm, I think he's been showing you his personality in it's best light...six months in and he's relaxed enough to start training you to accept behaviours you wouldn't have done at first. No advice on whether he's autistic or not, but I do advise you not to relax your boundaries both on how you would like to be treated and on being an equal partner in your relationship.